Paragraph with Relative Clauses and Adjective Phrases
1. Compose an academically
written paragraph of 150-175 words using different action verbs in any time
frame. Use relative clauses and adjective phrases to add details to your
writing. Use the Ch10 Writing Checklist to check for your writing.
Use at least one of each sentence type, in any order: simple, compound, and
complex. The complex (or compound-complex) sentences should include an
adverbial clause, a relative clause and a noun clause.
Post your composition to the Discussion Forum for this chapter. Type a suitable
title in the Subject Line of your message; capitalize the content words (N, V,
Adj, Adv).
2.Examine the vocabulary in your
writing by copying and pasting your sentences in the Web Vocabulary Profiler at the Compleat Tutor. Strive to include at least 5%
words from the Academic Word List (AWL), which are shown in yellow.
Soo,
Kimberly 96
4/22/2014
A good business leader is someone who has a vision for the future and whom people admire for his or her distinct ability. Every industry has its own good leaders whose leaderships[1] have brought lots of peopleÕs respect. For example, Steve Job[2] had a vision in the computer industry. He had successfully combined[3] computing, art, and graphic together. Leading[4] Apple competed with a lot of well-known computer companies at that time[5] and it eventually leaped out as a giant in the computer industrial[6]. Today, as people using[7] his companyÕs products, they are amazed by his brilliant talent and envy[8] for his great leadership. Another example of [9]good leader is Disney World founder:[10] Walt Disney, who had created[11] many famous Disney movies and childrenÕs themed[12] playgrounds. Today people are still entertained by his creation[13] all over the world. Both Steve Jobs and Walt Disney are great business leaders who had a vision ahead of their own time[14] and they have helped making[15] better life for human[16].
165 words, 9 sentences, 18.3 words per sentence, grade level 10.4, 8.43% AWL.
1. complex w/ rel cl
2. complex w/ rel cl
3. simple
4. simple
5. could be compound if corrected
6. could be complex w/ rel cl if corrected
7. complex w/ rel cl
8. simple
9.
compound- complex w/ rel cl
Excellent content, on-target in terms of topic, sentence
structure and relative clause components. Lacks rel adj clauses. Don't use past
perfect unless it's in relationship to a different, more recent, past action.
|
a good business leader is
someone who has a vision for the future and whom people admire for his
or her distinct ability every industry has its own good leaders whose leaderships have
brought lots of people respect for example steve job had a vision in the computer industry
he had successfully combined computing art and
graphic together leading apple
competed with a lot of well
known computer companies at that time and it eventually leaped out as a giant in the computer
industrial today as people using his
company products they are amazed by his brilliant
talent and envy for his
great leadership another example of good leader is disney world founder walt disney who had created many famous disney
movies and children themed playgrounds today people are still entertained by his creation all
over the world both steve jobs and walt disney are great business leaders who had a vision ahead of their own time and they have helped making better
life for human |
|
---
Wang,
Yanqiu(Angela) 85
4/20/2014
William Shakespeare expressed a similar[17]
sentiment in LoveÕs Labours Lost, [18]which
he wrote ÔBeauty is bought by judgement of the eyeÕ. Three centuries later,
Margaret Wolfe Hungerford,[19]
was widely credited with the current form Ôbeauty is in the eye of the
beholderÕ in Molly Bawn. Apparently, no one knows when the expressing[20]
first came[21];
however, the idea is still provocative. When people come to judge somethingÕs
beauty, the answers are always variety[22].
Some people think that visual beauty is the only type of beauty, while some
people disagree with this concept. If one asks me about[23]
my opinion, I would say that visual beauty is not the only type of beauty. For
example, when we see someone who has good physical look[24]
but bad behaviors[25], we
probably don't think the one[26]
is beautiful. I believe that a person who has a good personality is beautiful.
Overall, beauty is up to oneÕs preference.
|
william shakespeare expressed a similar sentiment in love
labours lost which he wrote beauty is bought by judgement of the
eye three centuries later margaret
wolfe hungerford was widely credited with
the current form beauty is in the eye of the beholder in molly bawn apparently
no one knows when the expressing first
came however the idea is still provocative
when people come to judge something
beauty the answers are always variety some people think that visual beauty
is the only type of beauty while some people disagree with this concept if one
asks me about my opinion i would say that visual beauty
is not the only type of beauty for example when we see someone who has good physical look
but bad behaviors we probably
do not think the one is beautiful i
believe that a person who has a good personality
is beautiful overall beauty
is up to one preference |
152 words, 9 sentences, 16.9 words per sentence, grade level 9.3, 5.88% AWL.
1. complex w/ rel cl
2. Simple
3. Compound- complex w/ adv cl
4. complex w/ adv cl
5. complex w/ n cl & adv cl
6. complex w/ adv cl & n cl
7. complex w/ adv cl & rel cl & n cl
8. complex w/ n cl & rel cl
9. Simple
This paragraph seems to be taken out of an existing essay. There's no basis for stating "a similar sentiment" because another sentiment was never mentioned. The sentence structure is very good. However, there are only 3 relative clauses and no rel adj phrases. It contains more adv cl + n cl than the target structure for this chapter. That's another reason I suspect the paragraph was lifted from en essay you wrote for another class. If you revise this, consider the direction " Use relative clauses and adjective phrases."
---
Qin,
Zhengzheng 92
4/19/2014
After I utilized the EMR method to
analyze the well responses to the rainfall events in the three adjacent
observation wells, I compared the results between the wells and summarized as
follow[27].
The
maximum rainfall intensities[28] (MRI)in the three observation wells
that estimated[29] by the EMR
method seemed unreasonable because there was so much variability for the same
precipitation event between the wells. For instance, the average value of the
MRI in the NE well in 1997 was 30.4 mm/h greater than in the NW well. The
average value of the MRI in the CE well was 51.7 mm/h greater than in the NE
well. Also, some of these rainfall intensities were greater than 500mm/h,
which means the rain gauge data must have had > 0.25 m of precipitation
recorded in the half hour increment. However, it is impossible to have such
great value since the maximum half hour increment of the measured precipitation
was 0.02 m, which is clearly smaller.
|
after i utilized the emr method to analyze the well responses
to the rainfall events
in the three adjacent observation wells i compared the
results between the wells and summarized
as follow |
132 words, 5 sentences, 26.4 words per sentence, grade level 12.0, 7.88% AWL.
1. complex w adv cl
2. complex w rel cl & adv cl
3. simple
4. simple
5. complex w rel cl
6. complex w adv cl & rel cl
Excellent sentence structure. Unified para. No compound
sentences. Only 3 rel cl. No rel adj phr. If you revise this, consider the
direction " Use
relative clauses and adjective phrases."
---
Nguyen, Binh 55
4/19/2014
My favorist[31]
thing that i[32] usually do when i32 have time outside is go finishing[33].
i32 feel really relax[34]
and28 comfortable when i32 do that. i go to San Francisco[35]
where the weather is nice and i32 can get[36]
many fish. i32 usully[37]
go with my friends who like fishing as well. i32 like to spend time to wait[38]
for fish catch[39] my hook[40]
that make[41]
me feel so excited. i32 usually take a whole day to fishing[42]
and then go somewhere where i32 can buy some food or something before i32 come back home. fishing32 is really exciting.
|
my favorist
thing that i usually do when i have time outside
is go finishing i feel really relax and
comfortable when
i do that i go to san francisco where
the weather is
nice and i can get many
fish i usully go
with my friends who like fishing as well i like to spend time to wait for
fish catch my hook that
make me feel so excited i
usually take a whole day to fishing and then go somewhere where i can buy
some food or something before i come back home fishing is really exciting
|
99 words, 7 sentences, 14.1 words per sentence, grade level 5.6, 1% AWL.
1. complex w rel cl & adv cl
2. complex w adv cl
3. compound- complex w adv cl
4. complex w rel cl
5. run-on - should be 2 simple
6. complex w adv cl
7. simple
This composition lacks a title, is too short and simplistic, lacks academic vocabulary and advanced grammar. There are only two instances of one of the target structures: relative clauses. There are no adjective phrases. There are no error-free sentences. If you revise this, please review Chapter 10 and follow the directions more closely.
Bui,
Vu 55
4/17/2014
Nha Trang, where[43] is a beautiful city in Vietnam[44]. It locates[45] in the center of Vietnam. It is attractive to foreigner[46] tourists due to [47]nice beaches. I traveled to Nha Trang with my family when I was young. I visited some places such as Vin pearl[48] Resort & Spa, which is known as one of the best hotels in Vietnam[49] and Nha Trang bay48, which is surrounded by 4[50] mountains. I know some people who are my friends[51] living in Nha Trang. Now they are living in San Jose[52]. IÕm planning to travel to Nha Trang again in 2015[53] when my friend will celebrate[54] his wedding.
105 words, 8 sentences, 13.1 words per sentence, grade level 5.3, 0% AWL.
1. fragment
2. simple
3. simple
4. complex w adv cl
5. complex w 2 rel cl
6. complex w rel cl
7. simple
8.
complex w adv cl
This title is not very informative since it does not state the
place name. The paragraph is too short and simplistic, lacks academic
vocabulary and advanced grammar. There are only three instances of one of the
target structures: relative clauses. There are no adjective phrases. There are
no error-free sentences. The fragment is a major error. Some sentences are not
closely related to the topic (friends Nha Trang). The run-on is a major error.
If you revise this, please review Chapter 10 and follow the directions more
closely.
|
nha trang where is a beautiful city in vietnam it locates in the center of vietnam
it is attractive to
foreigner tourists due to nice beaches i
traveled to nha trang with my family when i was young i visited some places
such as vin pearl resort spa which is known as one of the best hotels in vietnam and nha
trang bay which is surrounded by number mountains i know some
people who are my friends living in nha
trang now they are living in san jose i
am planning to travel to nha
trang again in number when my friend will celebrate his wedding |
MacHicado, Angelica 55
4/20/2014
One of my favorite place[55] is Lake Tahoe. Tahoe is a beautiful place which has many outdoors activities that people can do it[56] when they stay in the city. I like to do snow boarding[57] which is super[58] fun, and you[59] can do it in the winter session[60] also I like to do wake-boarding60 a good time for that is summer because the weather is good. Tahoe is an amazing place where you59 can enjoy it[61], and that city has restaurants, parks, malls, etc. Every time that I go to Tahoe is[62] a wonderful time because I do many outdoors[63] activities like cycling, camping, hiking [64]playing some sports60 those are[65] a good time for me because I enjoy it[66] and also makes me relax for[67] all [68]stress that I have.
130 words, 5 sentences, many of which are run-ons. 2.29% AWL.
1. Simple
2. Complex w 2 rel cl
3. Run-on. If corrected: A) compound-complex w rel cl + B) simple + C) complex w adv cl
4. Compound-complex w rel cl
5. Run-on. If corrected: A) complex w adv cl + B) compound-complex w adv cl & rel cl
This paragraph contains an excess of run-ons; these are
serious structural mistakes. Sentence boundaries are important so that the
reader can know when one idea ends and another begins. It is too short for the
requirement of 150-175 word and lacks an academic tone. It switches point of
view several times from 1st to 2nd to 3rd
person: I you people (they). No error-free sentences. If you revise this,
please review Chapter 10 and follow the directions more closely.
|
one of
my favorite place is lake tahoe
tahoe is a beautiful place
which has many outdoors activities that people can do it when they stay in
the city i like to do snow boarding which is super fun and you can do it in the winter session also i
like to do wake boarding a good time for that is summer because the weather is good
tahoe is an amazing place where you can enjoy it and that city has restaurants parks malls etc every
time that i go to tahoe
is a wonderful time
because i do many outdoors activities like cycling camping
hiking playing some sports
those are a good time for
me because i enjoy it and also makes me relax for all
stress that i have |
Kwon, Igsoo 75
4/20/2014
When I changed my nationality, I couldn't explain my
feellings[69]
[70]which were both happy and sad. It's
the first time in my life this happened[71].
I never thought to[72] change[73]
it[74]
while I were[75] doing military
service70 which is for man[76] in Korea and when I was in collage[77].
It's serilous[78] for us to
maintain a sense of loyalty to our country which was South Korea[79] because the war didn't finish[80]
with South and North Korea yet since the North Korean Army attacked Seoul,
which is capital of South Korea, in 1950. Leaders, who are the President and
Ministers,79 pressure to keep their loyaty to citizen,
students,[81]and arms[82].
So, most of[83]
Korean man76 have [84]very
strong loyalty, which is pressured by them[85].
Of cource[86],81I was loyatly[87]
too before I moved to California.
|
when i changed my nationality i could not explain my feellings which were both happy and sad it is the first time in my life this happened i never thought to change it while i were doing military service which is for man in korea and when i was in collage it is serilous for us to maintain a sense of loyalty to our country which was south korea because the war did not finish with south and north korea yet since the north korean army attacked seoul which is capital of south korea in number leaders who are the president and ministers pressure to keep their loyaty to citizen students and arms so most of korean man have very strong loyalty which is pressured by them of cource i was loyatly too before i moved to california |
134 words, 7 sentences, 19.1 words per sentence, grade level 5.3, 1.45% AWL.
1. complex w adv cl
2. complex w rel cl
3. complex w 2 adv cl & rel cl
4. stick-together sent: separate it
5. should be simple
6. should be simple?
7. complex w adv cl
This paragraph would have been better if you described your feelings, as stated in the topic sentence. The sentence structure is an improvement over your earlier compositions. However, many of sentences digress into a focus on Korea, not your feelings, nor on the process or the reason for changing your nationality. Some relative clauses are acceptable, but others are awkwardly inserted without reason. There is no excuse for the spelling mistakes. No error-free sentences. Insufficient in length for a 150-175-word composition. If you revise this, please tell when, how, why you changed your nationality and how you felt.
[1] ncn
[2] Jobs
[3] simp past
[4] omit
[5] punc
[6] wf: n
[7] wf: pres
[8] vt – omit prep
[9] det
[10] punc
[11] simp past
[12] wf: n
[13] cn pl
[14] punc
[15] Recall the grammar help/have sbdy do sthy – I posted a reply to you on a DF.
[16] Cn pl.
[17] similar to what? No other topic has been mentioned.
[18] prep
[19] punc
[20] wf: n
[21] phr v: came about/was first used
[22] wf: adj
[23] ww
[24] cn pl
[25] ncn
[26] ww: n
[27] s
[28] only 1 space
[29] wf: passive?
[30] Title?
[31] sp
[32] cap
[33] ww
[34] wf: adj
[35] punc
[36] ww
[37] sp
[38] wf:ger
[39] wf:inf
[40] ro
[41] sva
[42] wf: inf
[43] ww
[44] frag; lacks IC
[45] wf: passive
[46] wf: adj
[47] det
[48] cap
[49] punc
[50] sp
[51] This cl is devoid of meaning
[52] This sentence contradicts the previous one.
[53] punc
[54] tns: pres
[55] cn pl
[56] omit
[57] punc non-restrictive cl
[58] ww
[59] Iyoupeople
[60] ro
[61] referent?
[62] S+V
[63] wf: adj
[64] cc
[65] ww S +V
[66] ref?
[67] ww
[68] det
[69] sp
[70] punc NR rel cl
[71] this= referent?
[72] ww
[73] wf: ger
[74] ref
[75] SVA
[76] cn pl
[77] ww
[78] ww
[79] unnecessary cl
[80] tns: past perf
[81] space
[82] this whole prep phr needs revision
[83] del
[84] det
[85] ??
[86] sp
[87] wf: adj