Chapter 10 Relative Clauses and Adjective Phrases

 

Writing Assignment

Paragraph with Relative Clauses and Adjective Phrases

1. Compose an academically written paragraph of 150-175 words using different action verbs in any time frame. Use relative clauses and adjective phrases to add details to your writing. Use the Ch10 Writing Checklist to check for your writing. 
Use at least one of each sentence type, in any order: simple, compound, and complex. The complex (or compound-complex) sentences should include an adverbial clause, a relative clause and a noun clause.
Post your composition to the Discussion Forum for this chapter. Type a suitable title in the Subject Line of your message; capitalize the content words (N, V, Adj, Adv).

2.Examine the vocabulary in your writing by copying and pasting your sentences in the Web Vocabulary Profiler at the Compleat Tutor. Strive to include at least 5% words from the Academic Word List (AWL), which are shown in yellow.

 

Refer to Marsha Chan's Correction Symbols.

 

 

Soo, Kimberly 96                                                                                                  

4/22/2014

Student 1

Great Business Leaders

A good business leader is someone who has a vision for the future and whom people admire for his or her distinct ability. Every industry has its own good leaders whose leaderships[1] have brought lots of peopleÕs respect.  For example, Steve Job[2] had a vision in the computer industry.  He had successfully combined[3] computing, art, and graphic together.  Leading[4] Apple competed with a lot of well-known computer companies at that time[5] and it eventually leaped out as a giant in the computer industrial[6].  Today, as people using[7] his companyÕs products, they are amazed by his brilliant talent and envy[8] for his great leadership.  Another example of [9]good leader is Disney World founder:[10] Walt Disney, who had created[11] many famous Disney movies and childrenÕs themed[12] playgrounds.   Today people are still entertained by his creation[13] all over the world.  Both Steve Jobs and Walt Disney are great business leaders who had a vision ahead of their own time[14] and they have helped making[15] better life for human[16].  

165 words, 9 sentences, 18.3 words per sentence, grade level 10.4, 8.43% AWL.

1.       complex w/ rel cl

2.       complex w/ rel cl

3.       simple

4.       simple

5.       could be compound if corrected

6.       could be complex w/ rel cl if corrected

7.       complex w/ rel cl

8.       simple

9.       compound- complex w/ rel cl

 

Excellent content, on-target in terms of topic, sentence structure and relative clause components. Lacks rel adj clauses. Don't use past perfect unless it's in relationship to a different, more recent, past action.

Vocab profile

%

Cumul.

75.30

75.30

5.42

80.72

8.43

89.15

10.84

100.00

a good business leader is someone who has a vision for the future and whom people admire for his or her distinct ability every industry has its own good leaders whose leaderships have brought lots of people respect for example steve job had a vision in the computer industry he had successfully combined computing art and graphic together leading apple competed with a lot of well known computer companies at that time and it eventually leaped out as a giant in the computer industrial today as people using his company products they are amazed by his brilliant talent and envy for his great leadership another example of good leader is disney world founder walt disney who had created many famous disney movies and children themed playgrounds today people are still entertained by his creation all over the world both steve jobs and walt disney are great business leaders who had a vision ahead of their own time and they have helped making better life for human

 

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Wang, Yanqiu(Angela) 85                                                                        

4/20/2014

Student 2

Beauty Is in the Eye of the Beholder

William Shakespeare expressed a similar[17] sentiment in LoveÕs Labours Lost, [18]which he wrote ÔBeauty is bought by judgement of the eyeÕ. Three centuries later, Margaret Wolfe Hungerford,[19] was widely credited with the current form Ôbeauty is in the eye of the beholderÕ in Molly Bawn. Apparently, no one knows when the expressing[20] first came[21]; however, the idea is still provocative. When people come to judge somethingÕs beauty, the answers are always variety[22]. Some people think that visual beauty is the only type of beauty, while some people disagree with this concept. If one asks me about[23] my opinion, I would say that visual beauty is not the only type of beauty. For example, when we see someone who has good physical look[24] but bad behaviors[25], we probably don't think the one[26] is beautiful. I believe that a person who has a good personality is beautiful. Overall, beauty is up to oneÕs preference.

 

Vocab profile

%

Cumul.

84.31

84.31

2.61

86.92

5.88

92.80

7.19

100.00

william shakespeare expressed a similar sentiment in love labours lost which he wrote beauty is bought by judgement of the eye three centuries later margaret wolfe hungerford was widely credited with the current form beauty is in the eye of the beholder in molly bawn apparently no one knows when the expressing first came however the idea is still provocative when people come to judge something beauty the answers are always variety some people think that visual beauty is the only type of beauty while some people disagree with this concept if one asks me about my opinion i would say that visual beauty is not the only type of beauty for example when we see someone who has good physical look but bad behaviors we probably do not think the one is beautiful i believe that a person who has a good personality is beautiful overall beauty is up to one preference

152 words, 9 sentences, 16.9 words per sentence, grade level 9.3, 5.88% AWL.

1.       complex w/ rel cl

2.       Simple

3.       Compound- complex w/ adv cl

4.       complex w/ adv cl

5.       complex w/ n cl & adv cl

6.       complex w/ adv cl & n cl

7.       complex w/ adv cl & rel cl & n cl

8.       complex w/ n cl & rel cl

9.       Simple

 

This paragraph seems to be taken out of an existing essay. There's no basis for stating "a similar sentiment" because another sentiment was never mentioned. The sentence structure is very good. However, there are only 3 relative clauses and no rel adj phrases. It contains more adv cl + n cl than the target structure for this chapter. That's another reason I suspect the paragraph was lifted from en essay you wrote for another class. If you revise this, consider the direction " Use relative clauses and adjective phrases."

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Qin, Zhengzheng 92                       

4/19/2014

Student 3

Observations from Excel Summary of EMR Results

After I utilized the EMR method to analyze the well responses to the rainfall events in the three adjacent observation wells, I compared the results between the wells and summarized as follow[27].

The maximum rainfall intensities[28] MRIin the three observation wells that estimated[29] by the EMR method seemed unreasonable because there was so much variability for the same precipitation event between the wells. For instance, the average value of the MRI in the NE well in 1997 was 30.4 mm/h greater than in the NW well. The average value of the MRI in the CE well was 51.7 mm/h greater than in the NE well. Also, some of these rainfall intensities were greater than 500mm/h, which means the rain gauge data must have had > 0.25 m of precipitation recorded in the half hour increment. However, it is impossible to have such great value since the maximum half hour increment of the measured precipitation was 0.02 m, which is clearly smaller.

 

Vocab profile

%

Cumul.

76.36

76.36

1.21

77.57

7.88

85.45

14.55

100.00

after i utilized the emr method to analyze the well responses to the rainfall events in the three adjacent observation wells i compared the results between the wells and summarized as follow
the maximum rainfall intensities number;mri&#number;in the three observation wells that estimated by the emr method seemed unreasonable because there was so much variability for the same precipitation event between the wells for instance the average value of the mri in the ne well in number was number number mm h greater than in the nw well the average value of the mri in the ce well was number number mm h greater than in the ne well also some of these rainfall intensities were greater than numbermm h which means the rain gauge data must have had number number of precipitation recorded in the half hour increment however it is impossible to have such great value since the maximum half hour increment of the measured precipitation was number number which is clearly smaller

132 words, 5 sentences, 26.4 words per sentence, grade level 12.0, 7.88% AWL.

1.       complex w adv cl

2.       complex w rel cl  & adv cl

3.       simple

4.       simple

5.       complex w rel cl

6.       complex w adv cl & rel cl 

Excellent sentence structure. Unified para. No compound sentences. Only 3 rel cl. No rel adj phr. If you revise this, consider the direction " Use relative clauses and adjective phrases."

 

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Nguyen, Binh 55

4/19/2014

Student 4

assignment chapter 10[30]

My favorist[31] thing that i[32] usually do when i32 have time outside is go finishing[33]. i32 feel really relax[34] and28  comfortable when i32 do that. i go to San Francisco[35] where the weather is nice and i32 can get[36] many fish. i32 usully[37] go with my friends who like fishing as well. i32 like to spend time to wait[38] for fish catch[39] my hook[40] that make[41] me feel so excited. i32 usually take a whole day to fishing[42] and then go somewhere where i32 can buy some food or something before i32 come back home. fishing32 is really exciting.

Vocab profile

%

Cumul.

88.89

88.89

6.06

94.95

1.01

95.96

4.04

100.00

my favorist thing that i usually do when i have time outside is go finishing i feel really relax and comfortable when i do that i go to san francisco where the weather is nice and i can get many fish i usully go with my friends who like fishing as well i like to spend time to wait for fish catch my hook that make me feel so excited i usually take a whole day to fishing and then go somewhere where i can buy some food or something before i come back home fishing is really exciting

99 words, 7 sentences, 14.1 words per sentence, grade level 5.6, 1% AWL.

1.       complex w rel cl & adv cl

2.       complex w adv cl

3.       compound- complex w adv cl

4.       complex w rel cl

5.       run-on  - should be 2 simple

6.       complex w adv cl

7.       simple

This composition lacks a title, is too short and simplistic, lacks academic vocabulary and advanced grammar. There are only two instances of one of the target structures: relative clauses. There are no adjective phrases. There are no error-free sentences. If you revise this, please review Chapter 10 and follow the directions more closely.

 

Bui, Vu 55                                                                               

4/17/2014

Student 5

My Favorite Place

Nha Trang, where[43] is a beautiful city in Vietnam[44]. It locates[45] in the center of Vietnam. It is attractive to foreigner[46] tourists due to [47]nice beaches. I traveled to Nha Trang with my family when I was young. I visited some places such as Vin pearl[48] Resort & Spa, which is known as one of the best hotels in Vietnam[49] and Nha Trang bay48, which is surrounded by 4[50] mountains. I know some people who are my friends[51] living in Nha Trang. Now they are living in San Jose[52]. IÕm planning to travel to Nha Trang again in 2015[53] when my friend will celebrate[54] his wedding.  

105 words, 8 sentences, 13.1 words per sentence, grade level 5.3, 0% AWL.

1.       fragment

2.       simple

3.       simple

4.       complex w adv cl

5.       complex w 2 rel cl

6.       complex w rel cl

7.       simple

8.       complex w adv cl

 

This title is not very informative since it does not state the place name. The paragraph is too short and simplistic, lacks academic vocabulary and advanced grammar. There are only three instances of one of the target structures: relative clauses. There are no adjective phrases. There are no error-free sentences. The fragment is a major error. Some sentences are not closely related to the topic (friends­ Nha Trang). The run-on is a major error. If you revise this, please review Chapter 10 and follow the directions more closely.

 

Vocab profile

%

Cumul.

73.58

73.58

5.66

79.24

0.00

79.24

20.75

100.00

nha trang where is a beautiful city in vietnam it locates in the center of vietnam it is attractive to foreigner tourists due to nice beaches i traveled to nha trang with my family when i was young i visited some places such as vin pearl resort spa which is known as one of the best hotels in vietnam and nha trang bay which is surrounded by number mountains i know some people who are my friends living in nha trang now they are living in san jose i am planning to travel to nha trang again in number when my friend will celebrate his wedding

 

MacHicado, Angelica 55                              

4/20/2014

Student 6

The most beautiful place

   One of my favorite place[55] is Lake Tahoe. Tahoe is a beautiful place which has many outdoors activities that people can do it[56] when they stay in the city. I like to do snow boarding[57] which is super[58] fun, and you[59] can do it in the winter session[60] also I like to do wake-boarding60 a good time for that is summer because the weather is good. Tahoe is an amazing place where you59 can enjoy it[61], and that city has restaurants, parks, malls, etc. Every time that I go to Tahoe is[62] a wonderful time because I do many outdoors[63] activities like cycling, camping, hiking [64]playing some sports60 those are[65] a good time for me because I enjoy it[66] and also makes me relax for[67] all [68]stress that I have.

130 words, 5 sentences, many of which are run-ons. 2.29% AWL.

1.       Simple

2.       Complex w 2 rel cl

3.       Run-on. If corrected: A) compound-complex w rel cl + B) simple + C) complex w adv cl

4.       Compound-complex w rel cl

5.       Run-on. If corrected: A) complex w adv cl + B) compound-complex w adv cl & rel cl

This paragraph contains an excess of run-ons; these are serious structural mistakes. Sentence boundaries are important so that the reader can know when one idea ends and another begins. It is too short for the requirement of 150-175 word and lacks an academic tone. It switches point of view several times from 1st to 2nd to 3rd person: I ­ you ­ people (they). No error-free sentences. If you revise this, please review Chapter 10 and follow the directions more closely.

 

Vocab profile

%

Cumul.

84.73

84.73

5.34

90.07

2.29

92.36

7.63

100.00

one of my favorite place is lake tahoe tahoe is a beautiful place which has many outdoors activities that people can do it when they stay in the city i like to do snow boarding which is super fun and you can do it in the winter session also i like to do wake boarding a good time for that is summer because the weather is good tahoe is an amazing place where you can enjoy it and that city has restaurants parks malls etc every time that i go to tahoe is a wonderful time because i do many outdoors activities like cycling camping hiking playing some sports those are a good time for me because i enjoy it and also makes me relax for all stress that i have

 

Kwon, Igsoo 75

4/20/2014

Student 7

I Changed My Nationality

When I changed my nationality, I couldn't explain my feellings[69] [70]which were both happy and sad. It's the first time in my life this happened[71]. I never thought to[72] change[73] it[74] while I were[75] doing military service70 which is for man[76] in Korea and when I was in collage[77]. It's serilous[78] for us to maintain a sense of loyalty to our country which was South Korea[79] because the war didn't finish[80] with South and North Korea yet since the North Korean Army attacked Seoul, which is capital of South Korea, in 1950. Leaders, who are the President and Ministers,79 pressure to keep their loyaty to citizen, students,[81]and arms[82]. So, most of[83] Korean man76 have [84]very strong loyalty, which is pressured by them[85]. Of cource[86],81I was loyatly[87] too before I moved to California.


Current profile

%

Cumul.

85.51

85.51

2.17

87.68

 

1.45

89.13

 

10.87

100.00

 

when i changed my nationality i could not explain my feellings which were both happy and sad it is the first time in my life this happened i never thought to change it while i were doing military service which is for man in korea and when i was in collage it is serilous for us to maintain a sense of loyalty to our country which was south korea because the war did not finish with south and north korea yet since the north korean army attacked seoul which is capital of south korea in number leaders who are the president and ministers pressure to keep their loyaty to citizen students and arms so most of korean man have very strong loyalty which is pressured by them of cource i was loyatly too before i moved to california

134 words, 7 sentences, 19.1 words per sentence, grade level 5.3, 1.45% AWL.

1.       complex w adv cl

2.       complex w rel cl

3.       complex w 2 adv cl  & rel cl

4.       stick-together sent: separate it

5.       should be simple

6.       should be simple?

7.       complex w adv cl

This paragraph would have been better if you described your feelings, as stated in the topic sentence. The sentence structure is an improvement over your earlier compositions. However, many of sentences digress into a focus on Korea, not your feelings, nor on the process or the reason for changing your nationality. Some relative clauses are acceptable, but others are awkwardly inserted without reason. There is no excuse for the spelling mistakes. No error-free sentences. Insufficient in length for a 150-175-word composition. If you revise this, please tell when, how, why you changed your nationality and how you felt.

 

 



[1] ncn

[2] Jobs

[3] simp past

[4] omit

[5] punc

[6] wf: n

[7] wf: pres

[8] vt – omit prep

[9] det

[10] punc

[11] simp past

[12] wf: n

[13] cn pl

[14] punc

[15] Recall the grammar help/have sbdy do sthy – I posted a reply to you on a DF.

[16] Cn pl.

[17] similar to what? No other topic has been mentioned.

[18] prep

[19] punc

[20] wf: n

[21] phr v: came about/was first used

[22] wf: adj

[23] ww

[24] cn pl

[25] ncn

[26] ww: n

[27] s

[28] only 1 space

[29] wf: passive?

[30] Title?

[31] sp

[32] cap

[33] ww

[34] wf: adj

[35] punc

[36] ww

[37] sp

[38] wf:ger

[39] wf:inf

[40] ro

[41] sva

[42] wf: inf

[43] ww

[44] frag; lacks IC

[45] wf: passive

[46] wf: adj

[47] det

[48] cap

[49] punc

[50] sp

[51] This cl is devoid of meaning

[52] This sentence contradicts the previous one.

[53] punc

[54] tns: pres

[55] cn pl

[56] omit

[57] punc non-restrictive cl

[58] ww

[59] I­you­people

[60] ro

[61] referent?

[62] S+V

[63] wf: adj

[64] cc

[65] ww S +V

[66] ref?

[67] ww

[68] det

[69] sp

[70] punc NR rel cl

[71] this= referent?

[72] ww

[73] wf: ger

[74] ref

[75] SVA

[76] cn pl

[77] ww

[78] ww

[79] unnecessary cl

[80] tns: past perf

[81] space

[82] this whole prep phr needs revision

[83] del

[84] det

[85] ??

[86] sp

[87] wf: adj