Compositions with Nouns, Noun Modifiers, Articles and Other Determiners
Chapter 6 Nouns and Noun Modifiers
Chapter 7 Articles and Other Determiners
Student Writing
Paragraph
with Nouns, Noun Modifiers, Articles and Determiners
1. Compose
an academically written paragraph of 150-175 words using different action verbs
in any time frame. Choose a topic from Chapter 6 D3 Write (hobbies, machines)
or Chapter 7 D3 Write (transportation, plants, climate). Use the Ch 6 Writing
Checklist to check for your use of nouns and noun modifiers. Use the Ch7
Writing Checklist to check for your use of articles and other
determiners.
- Use at
least one of each sentence type, in any order: simple, compound, and
complex. The complex (or compound-complex) sentences should include an
adverbial clause, a relative clause and a noun clause.
- Post
your composition to the Discussion Forum for this chapter. Type a suitable title in the
Subject Line of your message; capitalize the content words (N, V, Adj,
Adv).
2.Examine the vocabulary in your writing by
copying and pasting your sentences in the Web Vocabulary
Profiler at the Compleat Tutor. Strive to include at
least 5% words from the Academic Word List (AWL), which are shown in yellow.
Correction
Symbols
Qin, Zhengzheng 92
Student 1
3/27/2014
Transportation Solutions of[1] Modern Life
Since the first car was invented by a Frenchman in 18th century, people have had more choices of transportation solutions. Today cars are necessities of families in most countries. Environmental scientists have noticed that the air pollution from cars has been one of the most serious issues nowadays. They have done many surveys to encourage people to use other transportations[2].
A growing number of cities have been known[3] as bicycle-friendly cities. Riding a bicycle benefits your health and reduces carbon dioxide emission[4]. Bicycle lines[5] have been designed on both sides of the major roads in these cities. San Jose is one of the bicycle-friendly cities I know[6]. I always see students ride[7] their bicycles to campus. In my opinion, the modern transportation solutions should be both energy-saving and convenient. In big cities, the pace of life is very fast and it may not give people enough time on the road. Public transportations[8], such as light rails[9] and trains, would be[10] the best choice for those people[11] live in big cities.
170 words, 12 sentences, 14.2 words per sentence, grade level: 8.6
Excellent sentence structure, use of verbs (various tenses, passive and active voice), nouns, noun modifiers, articles and other determiners. For a composition of this length, focus on bicycles; skip the generalities, which imply that you will also discuss other modes of transportation besides the bicycle. See footnotes for details.
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Nguyen,
Binh 55
Student 2
3/29/2014
My hobby[12]
My hobby is playing game[13] on my computer. It[14] doesnÕt[15] like other people who like to listen to music,[16] or play some sport[17] [18]games,[19] I like to play my game[20]. I donÕt want to go outside,[21] I like to stay in my room,[22] spend my time to play[23] game[24]. I feel good when I do that. I often stay in my room and[25] playing game[26] when I am stress[27]. It helps me a lot. Even though,[28] some time[29] I get stress[30] because of playing game[31]. However, when I playing[32] game[33], I feel relaxing[34], my mind [35]so clearly,[36] [37]no more sorrows,[38] [39]no more pains. I think I canÕt find out[40] any hobbies that help me [41]than my favorite.
117 words, 9 sentences, 13.0 words per sentence, grade level: 3.8
The topic of playing games is evident. However, the composition is 70% shorter than the required length. It is exceedingly simple, scant on information, and repetitive. There are many errors in word choice and precision, word form, use of nouns, and run-together sentences. Sentences lack noun modification. There is not even one error-free sentence in this short paragraph. This writer is advised to take ESL 940GW and ESL 940RV to develop vocabulary and sentence-writing skills. Instead of spending so much time playing video games, the writer should consider devoting time to reading English texts and studying English grammar. See footnotes for details.
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Kwon,
Igsoo 75
Student 3
3/28/2014
Why Does He Enjoy Kendo (a Beautiful Japanese Martial Art, Like Fencing)?[42]
When I was twenty seven[43], I saw a woman model that[44] was practicing some[45] martial art in a commercial film on television. I was very impressed and never saw[46] the martial art which[47] was named ŌKendo[48]Ķ before. This is [49]Japanese fencing. After a week, I signed up for a Kendo[50] training center[51] and I have been practicing[52] two or three times a week. I am so happy and have decreased my stress while Ipractice[53] it. ItÕs sometimes depressing when I donÕt achieve my expected level[54]. So I try to reach a realistic goal which[55] balances throughhome[56] life, career and hoppy[57].
I took[58] a Kendo[59] tournament which[60] was attended by about two hundred competitors last Sunday in San Jose. Even if[61] I couldnÕt get any metal[62], I had a feeling of satisfaction. The result was that [63]I succeeded to go[64] [65]the individual man[66]Õs quarterfinal and [67]group man[68]Õs semifinal.
I hope continue to make a Kendo practice[69] forever[70] if not, I canÕt [71]move my body. I am going to teach Kendo[72] skills and spirit to others.
175 words, 12 sentences, 0 error-free sentences, 14.5 words per sentence, grade level: 7.6
The composition is unified in that it focuses on kendo, a form of martial arts. It uses a variety of sentence types and verb tenses appropriately. The title is quite awkward. A title should be a noun phrase/n. clause, e.g., Why I Like Kendo, How I Got Started in Kendo, or Kendo: My New Hobby. Explanations and definitions should be embedded in the body of the essay. Varied sentence types. Adequate use of nouns, modifiers and determiners. See footnotes for further details.
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Le, Huy 70
Student 4
3/27/2014
Photography- a Part of My Life
I like taking pictures of everything that is around me. I believe that taking picture requires a thorough process of editing and composing[73]. The photographerÕs role is to make specific individual[74] or structure[75] appear attractive to the viewers. To be a good photographers[76], a person must comprehend many significant and principle skills[77]. His target is to generate[78] adequate transformation[79][80] for an exposure. Sometimes, he also needs to alter his perspective to acknowledge[81] complement[82][83]. Because IÕm new in the photography field, I always devote my time in similar procedures[84] to build my conformity[85][86]. In fact[87], my family has induced[88] me to abandon my dream due to financial and economic restrictions involved[89], but my response to them is an assurance of my vision[90]. I know that my aspect[91] is perceived negatively, yet,[92] I project[93] my commitment on[94] it. Whatever[95] IÕm concentrating[96] right now is fundamental for my life. I know that my hobby is worthless for[97] them, but I will never sustain[98] it. The life that I want is not to pursue revenue but to trace[99] diversity and differentiation.
177 words, 12 sentences, 2 error-free sentences, 14.8 words per sentence, grade level: 10.0.
It is clear that you enjoy photography. However, it is difficult to understand the meaning of many of your sentences. It seems as though you opened up the Academic Word List and simply dumped 44 words into the composition without regard to their meaning, use, and form. Rather than overload the paragraph with 25% AWL words, you need to select them judiciously and use them appropriately. I recommend that you stay in the range of 5-8% AWL. Use words wisely; use them well. In your composition you seem very angry. I suggest you omit your ill feelings toward your family and focus your attention on why you enjoy photography as a hobby. Describe the what, where, how of your chosen hobby. Omit irrelevant ideas.
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Soo,
Kimberly
94
Student 5
3/27/2014
Daily Commute Transportation[100] in My Hometown
When I was living in China,[101] most of people[102] utilized these transportations[103]: bus, motorcycles, and bicycle for daily transportation[104]. [105]Bus was considered luxury transportation. Most people would have taken the bus daily for traveling to work if they could afford it because it has provided the speed that people need to reach to their places and it is very comfortable[106]. Motorcycles are equally expensive because you need to pay a lot of money to purchase the motorcycle, and then you need to buy gasoline to use it[107]. Therefore, bicycle had been[108] widely used as daily commute vehicle in my home town[109] at that time for reasons of economics. Once you[110] purchase it[111], then you can use it for a long time and you donÕt need to buy gasoline to run it. It is also very convenient to store this small and simple equipment because it does not require a lot of space to park[112]. Some people liked this equipment for health reasons.
162 words, 8 sentences, 20.2 words per sentence, grade level: 10.0
The overall sentence structure is varied and grammatical. Well-done. However, this paragraph wanders from past to present in an uncontrolled manner. Is your purpose to describe transportation in the past? If so, review Chapter 2. Or is your purpose to describe current conditions or general truths? Review Chapter 1. Be careful regarding the point of view: To keep an academic rather than a conversational tone, don't use "you". Compare: Homework must be submitted by the due date. –and– You must submit your homework by the due date.
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MacHicado,
Angelica 70
Student 6
3/27/2014
My hobbies[113]
To have plenty of hobbies make life more interesting and fun in many difference[114] ways[115]. Let me tell you why I said[116] that I have a lot of hobbies that including[117] Ō[118]volley ball, snowboarding, ski[119], wake-boarding, hiking, camping[120] and of course[121] dance[122] [123]those sports make my life so much fun. I really enjoy to do[124] those things[125], but there are also others thing[126] that I used to do and i[127] don't do any more such as basket ball, ping pong, and play guitar[128]. Now one of my favorite[129] is to do[130] snow-boarding because this is the season time for do[131] it. I go [132]once a month to practice snowboarding and ski[133] in Lake Tahoe[134] which is the most beautiful place where I like[135] to spend my time. However,I do not go to Tahoe only in the winder time,[136] I also go in the summer time because wake-boarding is my second chose[137], and summer is the good[138] time for to[139] that sport. I have been doing these activities for long time[140]. [141] I always have a fantastic time when I go that place. I also have a good time when I go to dance even though I do not go very often, but when I go; I have the opportunity to see a lot of my friends who are still dancing more frequently than me.I try to go to hiking every week but it is to hard because sometime some of my friends do not have a time, and I do not like to go by my self.
256 words is excessive. The word limit for all compositions is 150 to 175 words. You have been reminded of this fact every week, yet you have never met this criterion. Avoid writing in a conversational style, as if you were talking to a person. Instead, write academically using a narrative academic style. Focus your attention on one topic. Your favorite hobby is snowboarding. Include information and details that support the main idea. Remove irrelevant words and sentences. Write fewer sentences, and make them error-free. There are no error-free sentences in this composition. See footnotes for details.
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Bui, Vu 63
Student 7
3/27/2014
my favorite hobby[142]
When I was young, I often played soccer at the park. This is my favorite hobby because it could help my heath and I could meet my lovely friends. I usually played soccer [143]about 2[144] hours after school and weekends. I ran a lot with my leg in my games[145]. This is a sport which I have to use my leg[146] to run and kick a ball. So[147] I didnÕt feel tired,[148] I felt good. I ate a lot of food, sleep[149] well and specially[150] I didnÕt feel sick. During that time, I met a lot of my friends. We talked about our homework and shared our experience about school and home. Sometimes we met often[151] ate[152] out after games. In short, soccer was my favorite hobby when I was young.
131 words, 11 sentences, 11.9 words per sentence, grade level: 3.5.
The topic of playing games is evident. However, the composition is 70% shorter than the required length. It is exceedingly simple, scant on information, and repetitive. There are many errors in word choice and precision, word form, use of nouns, and run-together sentences. Sentences lack noun modification. The focus of grammar in Chapters 1-7 is not evident in this composition. There are no academic words. See footnotes for details.
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Lin,
Chunyan 75
Student 8
3/27/2014
My favorite hobby[153]
Everyone has some[154] hobbies. I am no exception,[155] I like listening to music, reading novels, traveling very much. But[156] my favorite hobby is listening to music. Sometimes I am even crazy about music. You may ask me why.[157] I am crazy about music for many reasons. First, you know[158], music is divided into some[159] different styles[160]. Such as Pop[161], Jazz[162], Rock[163], Blues[164], Bass[165] and symphony[166][167]. Different persons[168] have [169]different appreciation about[170] music.[171] I appreciate light music, pop music and so on[172]. IÕve reaped the benefit of music and changed my mind a lot[173]. Second, music is perfect to [174]my spirit and soul. When I felt [175]upset, alone and[176] even sometimes I lost[177] my temper, and[178] then[179] listening to music can cool down my crazy mind. Music is active and positive. It takes me to another world and made[180] me to be[181] another one. Now IÕm an optimist and I will appreciate[182] everyday[183] and everything. Third, music is the same as our[184] language which is able to reach my spirit and bridge the gap between my soul and the external world. In a word, I must say, music is the current language of the world. Enjoying[185] them[186] and youÕll obtain a lot of happiness.
203 words, 19 sentences, 0 error-free sentences, 10.7 words per sentence, grade level: 6.3
Your love of music is evident. There is an attempt to present reasons, though the reasons are not all clearly described. More importantly, each sentence has 1-7 grammar and word choice errors. Delete irrelevant words and sentences ; write within the 150-175-word limit. Incorporate academic words. See footnotes for details.
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Wang,
Yanqiu(Angela) 80
Student 9
3/27/2014
Playing Table Tennis
You might think it is impossible to play a sport without getting
bruises or
broken bones, but table tennis does[187]. Table tennis,
also called ping-pong, is an indoor game that can be played by two or four
players with two styles[188] which are pen grip and shakehand grip. The pen grip style[189] was my favorite, which I used to play withwhen I was in China; additionally[190], table tennis is
omnipresent in China, so I could easily
find an enthusiastic partner and an unoccupied table tennis room to play.[191] I had an affinity
relationship[192] with table tennis not only[193]because[194] its convenience, but also because[195] its health
benefits. Playing table tennis can keep you mentally sharp because when you play it, you have to concentrate[196] the tiny ball and
make quick decision[197]. Especially[198], table tennis less
requires physical condition, thus it is a perfect game for senior[199] to play. Another
advantage for playing table tennis is that you have more[200] chances to meet
amiable people and become friends. Therefore,
if I find someonewho[201] also loves to play table tennis, I will start playing again.
183 words, 8 sentences, 0 error-free sentences, 22.9 words per sentence, grade level: 10.8
It is
clear that you enjoy table tennis. There are a lot of unrelated details mixed
up in this paragraph. It is not unified. Focus on one aspect: playing table
tennis (e.g., equipment, game play), grips and strokes and competitive moves;
benefits of playing t.t. to young and old; the dangers of playing t.t.; or your
main reasons for playing t.t. I don't understand why you underlined those
particular words. The focus of this paragraph is supposed to be on nouns, noun modifiers, articles and determiners. Write academically,
not conversationally. Avoid talking; "you" appears 6 times in this
paragraph.
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Nguyen,
Dung 88
Student 10
3/27/2014
MY FAVORITE HOBBY[202]
Everybody has different hobbies that they like to do
for fun or just to relax. There are many kind[203]
of activities like football, basketball, swimming, or baseball. It all depends
on each personality. For me, volleyball is my favorite hobby because[204]
it's part of my life and I can not[205]
live without it.
Since I was a little girl I played volleyball in[206]
the school team and also with my friends in the neighborhood. My mother told me
that I liked kicking[207]
the ball around and had so much fun with it when I was only about two years
old. Since then, playing volleyball is[208]
my favorite's[209] sport[210]
and it is my hobby whenever I have free time.
Playing volleyball also helps me to relax and be confident when I have[211]
stress and frustration. For example, after doing my homework[212]
or when I come home from work[213]
I play a little bit with my kids outside of the house or we go to the park[214],
if the weather is nice. When I play volleyball I feel healthy and stronger,[215]
besides I meet new people from the neighbor.[216]
I not only like playing volleyball but I also enjoy watching volleyball on T.V.
when I go to the beach, my family and friends get together to play and we have
a lot of fun.
For me, volleyball is a part of my life and it means a lot to me. Currently I
am trying to get in a team before the summer comes. It is so much fun to play
with the ball. I love volleyball so
much.
266 words, 15 sentences, 17.7 words per sentence, grade level: 7.3
That your hobby is volleyball is clear. Unify the ideas; focus on one aspect (see comments on the composition about table tennis). Omit extraneous information. Stick to the word length limit of 150-175. Overall sentence structure is very good. Work on word choice, punctuation, and avoidance of run-on/comma spliced sentences.
