Paragraph
with Passive Sentences
1. Compose an academically written paragraph of 150-175 words using different action verbs in any time frame. Use both active and passive voice verbs. (Do not use passive voice for stative verbs or intransitive verbs!) Review Chapter 5 The Passive. For topic suggestions, look in Parts C and D of the chapters.
Type a suitable title in the Subject Line of your message; capitalize the content words (N, V, Adj, Adv).
2. Include a variety of sentence types (simple, compound, complex, compound-complex) in the paragraph. Incorporate the grammar and structures presented thus far in Grammar Sense (verbs in present, past and future time frames; modals; nouns and noun modifiers; articles and other determiners; quantifiers; gerunds and infinitives).
3. Examine the vocabulary in your writing by copying and pasting your sentences in the Web Vocabulary Profiler at the Compleat Tutor. Strive to include at least 5% words from the Academic Word List (AWL), which are shown in yellow. Below your paragraph, write the number of words and the percentages for K1, K2, AWL and Off-list vocabulary.
11/3/14
Recently I learned how the memory works. There are three stages of memory systems: sensory, short-term and long-term memory. Information is encoded into sensory memory through [1]eyes and ears, which is a very prime stage of memory. Visual sensory memory only[2] last[3] for a fraction of second for 1image brainstem to judge if the data is important to be brought into consciousness. After the auditory information has been collected by 1ears, it can be held on[4] longer, and the duration is about two to four seconds to recognize the meaning of the phrase. Subsequent[5], our brain will figure out which sensory memory is important, and then the information will be selected from sensory memory to short term memory. The short term memory will last about twelve to thirty seconds without rehears[6], and this kind of memory is easy to be[7] interrupted and decay[8]. If the new information is contacted with[9] something that is already well known, which[10] can help us remember it easier and longer, hence[11] using this method short term memory is transferred into long term memory.
(words 179)
K1 =82% K2=
6%
AWL =
6%
Off list=6%
This paragraph is a good example of an academic topic. The use of passive voice is appropriate. The sentence types are varied and interesting. The submission includes the number of words and is slightly over the specified limit of 175 words. The percentages for K1, K2, AWL and Off-list vocabulary are listed. The paragraph meets the target of at least 5% words from the Academic Word List (AWL). Great job!
11/3/14
Sushi is a kind of traditional food created by Japan[12], and [13]has a long history. It is welcomed[14] in America, the UK, and many other areas. Sushi is made with rice. All types of sushi is consisted[15] by a kind of rice. The rice is mixed with vinegar. There are other things in it like vegetables and raw fish called "neta". Sushi is varied to many type of forms.[16] Some sushi is wrapped in seaweed, [17]some is not.[18] Nigiri sushi is made with fish or vegetables that are put on top of sushi rice. Maki sushi is made with fish or vegetables rolled up inside rice. Soy sauce, wasabi, gari, and other toppings are often put on sushi. In Japan, sushi is sometimes sold at automatic conveyor-belt,where plates of sushi are put on a[19] automatic moving belt which passes by the customers. People freely take the sushi they want as it passes. finally[20], sushi is one of the greatest inventions,17 I love sushi very much.
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Current profile |
||
|
% |
Cumul. |
|
|
66.66 |
67.66 |
|
|
8.98 |
76.64 |
|
|
5.79 |
81.43 |
|
|
18.56 |
100.00 |
|
The use of passive voice is appropriate in the paragraph. There are two comma splice (cs) errors. Please review Correction Symbols. Some short simple sentences can be joined and repetitious elements can be omitted: Sushi is made from rice that is mixed with vinegar. The word things is vague and overused. Try to find more specific words such as ingredients. Some sentences are unclear. For example, perhaps you mean Sushi is created in various shapes and styles. The verb consist is an intransitive verb; it can never be used in the passive. A consists of B1, B2, etc. This submission fails to include the number of words but includes the percentages for K1, K2, AWL and Off-list vocabulary. The paragraph meets the target of at least 5% words from the Academic Word List (AWL).
11/3/14
Recently, I was deeply touched and inspired
by a book called ÒA Piece of CakeÓ, a memoir by Cupcake Brown. Cupcake Brown,
an African American Woman born in San Diego, underwent a miserable life beyond
what nearly everyone imagined. She suffered [22]motherÕs
death at her[23] eleven years old and subsequent
childhood abuse and rape at fostered family[24],
from where[25]
she fled for23 numerous times. She survived from23 shoplifting, prostituting and joining gang[26].
WhatÕs worse, she was addicted to alcoholism and drug use[27],
which finally[28] enslaved
her. However, in pursuit of her dream to be[29]
a lawyer, she made her best endeavors to fight drug abuse. Meanwhile[30],
through her perseverance and commitment, she graduated from the USFÕs law
school with honors and eventually became a lawyer. Her life was a miracle, and
her successful story told me that although the path to success is arduous, with
our efforts and persistence, the fear and enormous obstacles will be overcome
and our goal will be achieved. I firmly believe that if we try hard, anything
is possible.
(175 words)
|
K1 Words (1-1000): |
71.84% |
|
|
K2 Words
(1001-2000): |
5.75% |
|
|
AWL Words (academic): |
6.32% |
achieved commitment
enormous eventually finally goal persistence pursuit subsequent survived
underwent |
|
Off-List Words: |
16.09% |
|
This is an uplifting topic that shows one can soar above the misfortunes when one is determined to reach a goal. Appropriate use of passive voice, varied sentence types, very good overall grammar. To practice passive voice, the paragraph could include another sentence like this: She was subjected to child abuse and rape. Pay attention to the use of prepositions and transitions. This submission includes the number of words and is within the specified limit of 150-175 words. The percentages for K1, K2, AWL and Off-list vocabulary are listed. The paragraph meets the target of at least 5% words from the Academic Word List (AWL). Great job.
11/2/14
Chris Nielsen, who[31]
is acted by Robin Williams, is my favorite movie character. Chris is
a prime role in the film named What Dreams May Come. The film is based
on the 1978 novel of the same name by Richard Matheson, and was directed
by Vincent Ward. It won the Academy Award for Best Visual Effects. It
was also nominated for the Academy Award for Best Art
Direction. The plot centers on Chris, a man who died and found himself in
a heaven more dramatic than he could have ever dreamed of, but without his
wife, who killed herself after he died. Despite[32]
he might be in hell forever, he decided to challenge[33]
to bring his wife back to heaven. ÒSometimes, when you lose, you win.Ó Finally,
everyone thought Chris gave up and then accompanied his wife in hell, but his wife was brought to heaven by Chirs[34].
Chris is a brave and responsible man. That's why I like him.
(159 words)
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Current profile |
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|
% |
Cumul. |
|
77.99 |
77.99 |
|
2.52 |
80.51 |
|
6.29 |
86.80 |
|
13.21 |
100.00 |
AWL [9:9:10] academy academy accompanied challenge despite dramatic finally
prime role visual
This submission includes the number of words and is within the specified limit of 150-175 words. The percentages for K1, K2, AWL and Off-list vocabulary are listed. The paragraph meets the target of at least 5% words from the Academic Word List (AWL). You explain well why you like this movie character. The passive is used appropriately. However, it is evident that some of the language is not within your own range of writing. It is, in fact, plagiarized, from one of several web pages: What Dreams May Come is a 1998 film about a man who dies and finds himself in a heaven more amazing than he could have ever dreamed of, but without his wife, who killed herself after he died.[35] Plagiarism is a serious academic offense. How to avoid plagiarism.
11/2/14
Dumpling
is36 a traditional Chinese food, and it[37] is welcomed by a lot of
people. It was37 invented more than
one thousand years ago. Chinese dumpling consists37 of varied food[38],
such as meat, vegetables and[39]
dough skin. The skin can be either thin and elastic or thicker. Dumplings[40]
may be sweet or savory. In most regions of northern China, it is37 the most popular Spring Festival food. Dumpling is37 usually boiled or steamed, and it continues37 to be a traditional dish eaten on Chinese New Year's Eve.
Pot sticker is37 another kind of derivatives from dumpling. Pot sticker
is37 steamed with[41]
a thin layer [42] of water
and[43]
fried in oil on[44] a pan, and
the reaction occurring makes the skin crispy and brown. Now[45],
many countries around the globe have similar dumplings food, but they[46]
are unique and delicious. I believe dumpling will be[47]
loved around the globe by more[48]
people.
(151 words)
K1: 65.56% K2: 12.58%
AWL: 8.61% OFF-LIST: 13.25
AWL: consists
derivatives globe globe layer occurring reaction
regions similar traditional traditional unique varied
This submission includes the number of words and is within the specified limit of 150-175 words. The percentages for K1, K2, AWL and Off-list vocabulary are listed. The paragraph meets the target of at least 5% words from the Academic Word List (AWL). The process of making dumplings is a suitable topic to use passive voice, and the passive is used appropriately except for repeated SVA errors. You used the words dumpling and pot sticker as if they were noncount nouns, which they are not. They are definitely countable: 1 dumpling, 20 dumplings. The process about steaming and frying pot stickers is misleading. Your sentence starts with steaming, but the proper procedure begins by frying. Pot stickers are pan fried in vegetable oil. After two minutes, a small amount of water is added to the pan, causing a reaction that makes the skin crispy and brown. The pan is covered with a lid, and the pot stickers are steamed for several more minutes. Now, doesn't that sound proper and delicious? The concluding sentences relating to other countries have several problems (see footnotes) and detract from the believability of the paragraph.
11/2/2014
For[50]
two years ago there was an enormous storm in the area were my Mom[51]
in Germany is living. This enormous storm was experienced[52]
by my Mom and her neighbors for the first time. The[53]
damage to my Moms[54] property and her neighborhood had
been causing[55] by its
fierce winds and heavy rains. With a loud blast the old cheery[56]
tree in my Moms54 backyard was being uprooted[57] and collapsed at[58]
the roof from[59] the garage[60] which is
attached to the house, creating a hole where the rain got in. The garage was
flooded by[61] the water which only had been raised57 a little bit
because the water could exit by the garage door. Through
this[62]
intense winds there was another loud crash and the neighborsÕ car had
been hit57 by the neighborÕs[63]
fallen tree, caving in the roof and breaking the windows. My Mom and her
neighbors were happy when the storm had been diminished57.
Word in text: 156
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Current profile |
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% |
Cumul. |
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77.56 |
77.56 |
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12.82 |
90.38 |
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5.13 |
95.51 |
|
4.49 |
100.00 |
for two years
ago there was an enormous
storm in the area were my
mom in germany is living this enormous storm was experienced by my mom and her neighbors for the first time the damage to my moms property and her neighborhood had been causing by its fierce winds and heavy rains
with a loud blast the old cheery tree in my moms backyard
was being uprooted and collapsed at the roof from the garage which is attached to the house creating a hole where the rain got in the garage
was flooded by the water which only had been raised a little bid because the water could exit by the garage door trough this intense wind there
was another loud crash
and the neighbors car had been hit by the neighbor fallen tree caving in the roof and breaking the windows my mom and her neighbors were happy when the storm had been diminished
This submission includes the number of words and is within the specified limit of 150-175 words. The percentages for K1, K2, AWL and Off-list vocabulary are listed. The paragraph meets the target of at least 5% words from the Academic Word List (AWL). The subject of damage from a storm is appropriate, and a variety of sentence types is attempted. However, the first impression is not strong with the misspelled key word in the title. Moreover, there are multiple errors in the use of verbs. The first passive is not used well. Of course, the storm was experienced (by everyone) for the first time. That particular storm could not have been experienced before it existed. Your mother experienced such an enormous storm for the first time / It was the first time that your mother experienced such an enormous storm. Passive is not suitable for this idea. The second passive uses the wrong tense and wrong form. DamageÉ was caused. If you use past perfect, that would mean the damage occurred before the storm – illogical. The same tense error is evident in the improper use of past perfect later in the paragraph. The third passive should use simple past. After all, it occurred with a loud blast, which is a sudden action: was uprooted. There are errors with word choice, particularly prepositions. The final sentence is an unlikely conclusion to the rest of the paragraph.
11/3/14
With[66] me, writing is considered[67] a hard subject because I usually make many mistakes in writing a paragraph. First, I am stuck in creating ideas of a brainstorm[68] so many supporting sentences are not relevant to topic mostly. Second, there are many errors in my writing like using language[69]. For example, the words which are used in paragraph[70] have caused readers confusing[71] about meaning. Third, I am caught in faults of sentence structure and grammar so I have not expressed my ideas exactly. As a result, my paragraphs have not been[72] unified. Therefore, I am often taken[73] many hours to write a paragraph. However, by knowing[74] these problems, I have been trying to learn and refer[75] more books about how to write a paragraph well[76] and I have had many useful lessons. Hopefully, in a[77] near future my writing will be improved[78] with ideas[79] are clearly stated and supported, [80]grammar and vocabulary[81] are used more correctly.
The topic of your paragraph is more suitable for active voice than passive voice because it is personal, and all of the actions relate only to you, not to a third person, not to an unknown or unimportant actor. I consider writing a difficult subject. Even when I broaden the actor to include others, I don't see value in using the passive: For many people, writing is a difficult subject. Many people consider writing difficult. The second sentence is not passive, but BE + adj, and the phrasing is awkward. Do you mean First, I get stuck trying to brainstorm ideas and then select the most relevant ones for my paragraphÉ Another BE + adj: My paragraphs are not unified. Active: I often take many hoursÉmy writing will improveÉI will use grammar and vocabulary more correctly. Review the topic suggestions on page 87. This submission fails to follow directions in #3 to write the number of words and the percentages for K1, K2, AWL and Off-list vocabulary. I did the research for you and list them below. Please do so for the next submission.
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% |
Cumul. |
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82.69 |
82.69 |
|
8.33 |
91.02 |
|
7.05 |
creating errors paragraph paragraph paragraph paragraph paragraphs relevant structure topic unified |
|
1.92 |
|
11/2/14
In order to prevent terrorists from hi-jacking a
plane at international airports, all passengers included[84]
their luggage must be carefully checked before being boarded[85].
I remember the day when we came back from vacation and we took a transit[86]
at Hong Kong International Airport,[87]
we were asked to declare everything we were going to[88]
bring home. All belongings like wallets, watches, jackets, belts and even shoes
etcÉ, must[89]
be shown up[90].
They will be inspected through a machine. My son, whose handbag was full
of souvenirs, was fails[91]
the inspection. A kitten was found in his handbag. But that was just a simulated
kitten working with battery[92].
My son was fine after that. In another word[93],
safety precautions must be applied hard[94]
for the safety of the passengers. I was touched by the hard work
of all agents and wish[95]
the security procedures must also be strictly applied to all persons
working at the airports60 including people who load luggage, supply
catering food60 and even pilots and air hostesses working
on the plane.
This topic lends itself to the use of passive voice and the sequence of events is clear. The first passive verb must beÉchecked is correct, and several others are, too (kitten was found, must be applied, I was touched,), but quite a few are malformed or misused. For example, passengers are not boarded; airplanes are boarded (by passengers). The phrasal verb show up is intransitive. Intransitive verbs can never be passive. had to be/needed to be removed and inspected in the scanner separately. All belongings? Are you sure? Did you have to undress completely?! There's a strange mixture of past (correct), present, and future (incorrect). Review Ch 4 Modals: had to. This submission fails to follow directions in #3 to write the number of words and the percentages for K1, K2, AWL and Off-list vocabulary. I did the research for you and list them below. Please do so for the next submission.
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Current
profile |
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% |
. |
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76.44 |
.44 |
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6.90 |
.34 |
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3.45 |
Transit inspected inspection simulated security
procedures |
|
13.22 |
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174 words
10/30/2014
My favorite character is Jane Eyre from my favorite novel, whose title is also her name. This novel was written by Charlotte Bronte. Jane Eyre is an orphan and had a difficult childhood. She was left by her aunt when she was a little, then she was educated at a Catholic school. While she was a family preceptor, she found pure love, and had to choose between her passionate love with a married man (even though his wife was the[97] crazy lady) and maintaining her religious belief as an[98] true Catholic. Jane Eyre was a great example of true belief in Catholism[99]. The character opted against adultery even though she was passionately in love. I like the part when she returned to find her true love after obtaining a great wealth[100]. And after finding out that his wife died[101] and that he was going blind, she decided to stay to take care of him, married him and bear[102] his kid[103]. I donÕt like the part when she was locked up in the red room for fighting back to the her[104] auntÕs son after he had bullied her.
The topic is suitable, and a variety of sentence types are used. The story is clearly laid out and the sentence grammar is excellent. Although a few passive verbs are used at the beginning, the main part of the story is written in active voice. Several mistakes are made with the article a, which should be used before a singular count noun/n phr beginning with a consonant sound. This submission fails to follow directions to write the number of words and the percentages for K1, K2, AWL and Off-list vocabulary. At 187, it exceeds the word limit somewhat. There are only 2 academic words; 1% is far below the target of 5% AWL. I did the research for you and list the results below. Please follow the directions in #3 for the next submission.
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% |
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83.42
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|
|
3.74 |
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|
1.07 |
Maintaining
obtaining |
|
11.76 |
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187 words
10/29/2014
The water table fluctuation and source responsive flow model
that I have been using in my research are convenient methods to study the
ground water recharge processes and can make relatively good estimations
according to the precipitation data. However, there are several problems that
need to be solved or improved to
make the model more reliable and automatic.
First of all, it is important to determine t he value of the
specific yield that be assigned as
a parameter in both the water table fluctuation study and the source responsive
flow model. The value I used in my research is 0.013, which was calculated from a
previous stream flow study that utilized data from a nearby site. Since the
recharge I have calculated by using this specific yield value is too high, this
value is considered to
be larger than the actual value. Unfortunately, no such measurement has been taken in the
study area.
This is a clear case of plagiarism. It is obvious that you copied the entire composition from last semester's classmate, who was doing her master of science degree on a very specific technical subject. You can see that I gave my evaluation, comments and corrections of this composition in a video recorded lecture http://youtu.be/4UOzij4JtzY (Scrub forward to 40:10). Your score is 0.
The course syllabus clearly states: COLLEGE POLICY ON CHEATING: Dishonesty includes but is not limited to in-class cheating, out-of-class cheating, plagiarism, knowingly assisting another student in cheating or plagiarism, or knowingly furnishing false information to college staff, faculty, administrators or other officials. Dishonesty may result in an F in the course. Refer to the Academic Regulations and Standards on page 172 of the Mission College 2013-2015 Catalog.
[1] Det: the/ one's/ a person's
[2] wo: for only a fraction
[3] sva
[4] ww: onto
[5] wf: adv
[6] ww: rehearsal? being reheard?
[7] is easily + pp
[8] wf: decays (vi, unlike interrupted, vt)
[9] wf: contacts (active, vt)
[10] You used if already. Don't use 2 subordinators: it/this connection
[11] punc: ; hence,
[12] ww: by Japanese people / in Japan
[13] S: it
[14] ww: popular
[15] vi: consists of
[16] This whole sentence is malformed.
[17] cs
[18] It's better to use: Some types ofÉ areÉ
[19] wf
[20] ww
[21] del to me
[22] her
[23] del
[24] ww: in her foster family
[25] ww: from which
[26] sg/pl?
[27] wf: addicted to alcohol and drugs
[28] according to the conclusion, she was not finally enslaved, was she?!
[29] become
[30] ? del
[31] whose role
[32] ww: Despite + n/ger. Even though + clause
[33] VT + object
[34] sp
[35] including, but not limited to, http://www.reefcentral.com/forums/blog.php?bt=1704, http://www.thefullwiki.org/What_Dreams_May_Come
[36] Dumplings (are)
[37] pl – you cannot eat a single dumpling, right?!
[38] Ww: various ingredients
[39] wrapped in a
[40] See, you used plural here! This one is correct!
[41] Ww: over
[42] ww: shallow amount
[43] This is the wrong sequence.
[44] ww: in
[45] ww: Why now? Are you claiming that because of Chinese dumplings, other cultures started making dumplings? Can you prove that?
[46] they = all the dumplings in the world. Don't you mean the Chinese ones?
[47] Tns: why future? Aren't they already loved?
[48] Why comparative? More than what? More than whom? There's no comparison.
[49] Sp: storm
[50] Del: Two years ago. For + period of time: duration.
[51] 1) Mom is colloquial. As you are directed to write in an academic tone, use mother. 2) Do not capitalize common nouns in English (in contrast to German), only proper nouns.
[52] Awk.
[53] del
[54] 1) see above footnote. 2) punctuate the possive: my mother's
[55] wf, tns: simp past
[56] sp: cherry
[57] tns: simp past
[58] ww: onto
[59] ww: of
[60] punc
[61] ww: with
[62] wf: pl
[63] same neighbors? their
[64] pl?
[65] del
[66] ww
[67] wf
[68] awk: this phrase "creatingÉ brainstorm" doesn't make sense
[69] awk: what does " writing like using language" mean? All writing uses language. Adding a comma to set off "likeÉ" would make it grammatical, but could you be more specific?
[70] my paragraphs ?
[71] wf: n
[72] tns: simp pres
[73] wf: active
[74] ww: facing? becoming aware of?
[75] //
[76] punc
[77] ww: the
[78] wf: vi
[79] rel pron
[80] cc
[81] rel pron
[82] Security checks like the one you described are not only for international flights, but domestic ones, as well.
[83] The paragraph is not about airports, but rather security checks.
[84] ww: and
[85] wf: boarding
[86] ww: we transited in Hong Kong
[87] cs
[88] why underline this? It is not passive.
[89] Ww: see p 55 past necessity
[90] ww: removed?
[91] Ww, wf: simp past: failed
[92] a battery-powered toy kitten
[93] ww: In other words
[94] ww: strictly, rigorously, stringently
[95] ww: agree that
[96] Titles are usually noun phrases. You could change yours from a sentence to a noun phrase: Jane Eyre, My Favorite Character
[97] ww: a
[98] ww: a
[99] Sp:
Catholicism. Éan
example of a true Catholic.
[100] ncn
[101] tns: past perf
[102] //: decided to stayÉ, marryÉ, and bearÉ
[103] ww: kid is informal and inappropriate for this paragraph; use child.
[104] Ww: against her aunt's son