Paragraph in the Future Time Frame
Paragraph due 8AM Mon Oct 13. Replies due 8AM Oct 17.
Watch the professor's lecture "Becoming a Certified Public Accountant." (11:02) This model paragraph features verbs in the future time frame
but also includes past and present time frames as well. 175 words. 12
sentences. The lecture includes an analysis of sentence structure and verb
tenses.
Writing Assignment. Observe the due date. Late
assignments will not be accepted.
Correction
Symbols for Online Classes
10/11/14
My daughterÕs
target[1]
My daughterÕs name is Khanh
Nguyen. KhanhÕs target is to become Computer
Science Engineer1. At the
beginning[2], she began study[3] at the Mission College[4], where she studied[5] Software Classes1. Now, she continued[6] by
transferring to San Jose State where she followed6, 5 Computer
ScienceÕs1, [7] degree. She has
finished most of her courses over the past few semesters. Next semester,
she will take courses at San Jose State University[8].
She will be focussing carefully to pass them. While Khanh has been studying at
San Jose State University for the Computer Science1
examinations[9]. She has
been an intern at the Applied Weather Technology INC1, 4. She has
already passed three classes of her senior year. By the time she graduates,
not only she will have gotten[10]
her degree, but she will also have passed all the Software1 classes. A
lot of her classmates will have passed[11] [12]
some will be studying for it, while other will not have started
it[13] yet. After graduation, Khanh will be working at Applied Weather Technology
because she had been interning and she received the offer of[14]
the AWT company. Finally, Khanh
will have achieved her goal. She and all of my family are happy.
The topic is suitable, and the a variety of sentence types are used. However, the contradictory time frame and verb tenses lead to confusion about when the actions occurred or will occur. Verbs are underlined properly. Future tenses are used well, but some actions are described with the wrong tense and in some cases incorrect word choice. Modals were not used. Review the chapters on capitalization and use of articles and determiners. Other resources are also provided in the footnotes. At 196 words, the paragraph exceeds the limit. The submission lacks data on vocabulary levels. See instruction #3 above.
10/11/14
Meeting with[15]
my consin1 [16]
My
younger consin16, Herry has grown up[17] [18] ,also he
graduated university last year and work at a technology company . I met him
when I back[19]
China this early year . We gathered and took
with my each other[20] at China traditional restaurant4
,and I got5 a big
news[21]
.Herry will marry[22]
with his brilliant girlfriend ,17 moreover18 his wedding
day[23]
will held[24] on
April next year . We will be asked[25] to
attend his wedding ceremony . My consin16 live[26] in Canada ,
so we will be visiting Canada next year if we
want to attended3 his wedding
.They will be busy next year because they will be
preparing[27]
their wedding . His girlfriend are26 thinking of
designing an elegant wedding and
her mother are26 going to
help her
because they will purchase significant items and
select appropriate dresses ,and they13 need her13 mother's guidelineError! Bookmark not defined. .I visited Canada before ,and I've liked[28]
it .I am going to planeError! Bookmark not defined. how to save
money to see them.
K1:
78.75 K2: 3.75 AWL: 5.62 Off-list: 11.88
The topic is appropriate – the wedding is a future
event, although the title misleads us to the past. Some but not all verbs are
underlined. VocabProfile info was entered. There are
no error-free sentences in the entire paragraph. There are serious errors in
sentence boundaries, structure, grammar, vocabulary, and mechanics. Reference Serious problems with
spacing and keyboarding. Learn how
to type. Access many more resources for sentence structure, grammar, vocabulary in our class in Angel. It does not appear that
you have studied the comments and corrections I made on your first few
compositions. This sentence has many problems in vocabulary, word order,
verb tenses, word forms, spelling and punctuation. Have your gone to seek help
from a tutor in the Academic Support Center on campus? Reviewed your 950G and
960GW, RV learning materials? Accessed Smarthinking
online tutoring?s
10/11/14
My Future Plan[29]
I would like to talk about my future plan for five
years.[30]
First, I am going to use a year to learn English and able to communicate
with everyone. The plan has already started, and I have studied in adult
schools and community colleges. In daily life, I watch some TV shows with
English caption[31], such as
Crime Scene Investigation. Second, I will find an ideal job after I
learn English well. I used to have a job about operation pipeline of natural
gas[32]
in China. Natural gas transports over long distances to lose pressure[33],
and my job was to develop a plan of pipeline operation. During that period, I
had chance[34]
to training[35]
in Houston. That is[36] a very
precious experience for me. I believe in the near future I will find a
job[37].
The last[38],
I hope I could[39] have two children in the future[40]
five years. I hope we[41]
can be together in the process of their growth, and I could encourage39 them when they encounter difficulties.
（170 words）
K1: 85.88% K2: 2.94% AWL:7.06% OFF-LIST:4.12%
The topic about plans for the future is suitable. The length is desirable, the sentence structures, choice of words and verb tenses are generally good, and the ideas are coherent. You used future with will and be going to, but other future forms, such as future perfect and future perfect progressive. The use of modals is minimal and needs improvement.
10/12/14
Things to do before the year 20151
It's October 12th. You can say that it is close to the end of 2014, so I'll plan a lot of things to do this year. First, I'll study very hard, especially to improve my grammar because I always have trouble with it whenever I speak to people. They don't understand what I'm talking about. Also, I'll try hard to improve my vocabulary. That would[42] help me to speak more smoothly. Second, I will have found a part time jobs[43] for me to get some more money because I just bought a new car. So,[44] the money what[45] my husband and I usually spent[46] is increase[47]. I am going to baby sit my son[48] next month. I [49]scare[50] that he will cry all day and miss me so much. It is so bad to say that. Finally, my happy family had the plans for the Chirstmas[51] and Think-giving[52] are coming[53] now. We will took[54] long vacation[55] for[56] around[57] trips[58] from California to Arizona. I hope we can have excellent time[59].
The topic about plans for the future is suitable. The paragraph started out well but deteriorated halfway through. The sentences in the second half are poorly constructed and full of mistakes in spelling, verb forms, determiners for count nouns, and phrases that don't make sense. For example, the part about babysitting your son is illogical. You babysit someone else's child, not your own. You did not underline the verbs or include vocabulary information. 90% K1 words. Only 1.13% AWL.
|
Current profile |
|
|
% |
Cumul. |
|
90.40 |
90.40 |
|
5.08 |
95.48 |
|
1.13 |
96.61 |
|
3.39 |
100.00 |
10/12/2014
Retirement
I'M GOING TO TALK about my PLAN for RETIREMENT[60].
I HAD BEEN WORKING for SUN MICROSYSTEMS for many YEARS when the BIG COMPANY
CLOSED due to UNKNOWN PROBLEMS. Therefore[61]
I AM NOW MAKING a PREDICTION[62]
for my FUTURE: the[63]
RETIREMENT. What SHOULD I DO first? DEFINITELY I AM GOING TO go to EDD, the
EMPLOYMENT [64]DEPARTMENT[65]
to report my unemployment status. Then IÕLL PROBABLY GO to the SOCIAL SECURITY
OFFICE to apply for my SSI BENEFITS. FINALLY, IÕM SUPPOSED TO[66]
make PLAN[67]
for my VACATIONS[68] ABROAD.
MAYBE IÕM TAKING[69] my FAMILY
to PARIS, the CAPITOL[70]
of FRANCE[71]
for one MONTH. THERE, we WILL CERTAINTLY BE VISITING all the FAMOUS PLACES like
the EIFFEL TOWER , DIFFERENT PALACES, MONUMENTS and
MUSEUMS that make FRANCE FAMOUS.
Also, we ARE GOING TO have a chance to communicate[72]
and[73]
speak[74]
French with PEOPLE THERE. Talking about RETIREMENT, I SHOULD THINK of the
HOUSIING for my FAMILY. I mean I WILL HAVE MOVED to a BIGGER and QUIETER PLACE
to live. We WILL PERHAPS buy a BIG FOUR-ROOM HOUSE with a LARGE BACKYARD to[75]
NATHALIE, our DOG! It SOUNDS LIKE a BEAUTIFUL DREAM[76]
isnÕt[77]
it? I mean a DREAM WOULD HARDLY exist would it?[78]
Visually, the most shocking thing about this paragraph is the use of ALL UPPER CASE (CAPITAL) LETTERS. Are you aware that using all capital letters is the equivalent of shouting? It is unacceptable to submit an academic paper like this. At 204 words, it's excessively long. Remove all the chatty spoken language; this is not a speech. The topic is suitable, and the sentence structure is generally very good. Make sure to use a pair of commas around appositive phrases and clauses. The part about EDD is misleading; that's where one goes when one is laid off and files for unemployment benefits; however, you are retiring, a voluntary act that most likely has retirement benefits. The last sentences don't seem to relate. Finish with a logical conclusion. You did not underline the verbs or include vocabulary information. Only 3.43% AWL
|
Current profile |
|
|
% |
Cumul. |
|
84.80 |
84.80 |
|
3.43 |
88.23 |
|
3.43 |
91.66 |
|
8.33 |
100.00 |
Disneyland Journey
My husband and I are going to take our children
to Disneyland next summer. Although we have visited[79]
there since 2012[80], this[81]
is worth to visit[82] over and
over again if we have time and finance[83].
We will leave at 8:00 A.M.from San Jose, and
before dinner time, we will have gotten into[84]
the hotel in LA[85]. Second[86]
early[87]
morning, we will go to Disneyland as soon as it opens. There will be
not too much[88] visitors in
the park since it is so early. By the[89]
lunch time, we should[90]
have played[91]
all rides. When the live show performs[92],
we should[93] be eating popcorn
while we are watching the magical spectacular show of MickeyÕs adventure.
Around 4:00P.M., most visitors will be waiting along
the Main Street of Disneyland for a festive musical parade, where my daughters will
meet the fantasy Disney Princesses. At the end, we will watch a
breathtaking water show on a river, which is a musical and pyrotechnic
spectacular[94].
I ensure[95]
my daughters will keep this journey in their mind[96]
forever.
(word 176)
K1 78.78%
K2 5.47%
AWL 5.47%
Off-List word 10.29%
The topic and length are suitable. Do you mean you visited Disneyland in 2012? Or you have gone there several times since 2012? Besides this sentence, the others are generally well constructed, use a variety of future tenses, and are coherent and comprehensible. The verbs are underlined and the words and vocabulary details are included.
10/12/14
Come[97] back to Vietnam1
Planning for Coming[98] Back
to Vietnam
It was five years ago since[99]
I have migrated[100][101]
to the United States and I havenÕt come[102] back
to Vietnam[103]
so I am planning to come[104]
back there to visit my family. I want to come back at the end of this year because I am
going to have some weeks for the break time after I will have finished[105]
my school[106].
Therefore, I am going to decline[107]
of[108]
spending money and save it from now[109]
for a long vacation. Second, I ought to book the[110]
ticket as soon as possible because I can save a lot of money if I order[111]
early. Moreover, I just want to ensure that the ticket is till stock[112]
because it is often short[113]
at the end of year. Third, I am also preparing some presents for
my relatives in Vietnam. Now IÕm so excited when I think about it[114].
The ideas are understandable and simple. The sentence structure is good, but some words are not accurate. Note in yellow that you used the same phrase. By itself, this is repetitive. Moreover, it is the wrong word. Come here go there. Expand your vocabulary. Use a synonym, return. In a complex sentence involving the future, a present tense verb must be used in the dependent clause (DC). Review Ch4 Future pp 37, 39, etc. At 146 words, this paragraph is shorter than the required 150-175. The verbs were not underlined and the words and vocabulary details were not included, as required. You used only three AWL words, and all of them are used incorrectly (migrated, decline, ensure). Access the Vocabulary Resources in our class to improve your word choice. Use a dictionary to compare migrate, immigrate, emigrate and look up other words.
10/12/14
My Ideal Retirement Plan
Most people say retirement is relaxing, whereas I will
be busier at that time than when I am working. By
the time I am 60, I will have retired.
Definitely, I am going to make an ideal retirement plan, for I
prepare[115]
for the future. First of all, I will be very or at least
partially[116]
financially prepared for retirement. And then, I will get a
part-time job, one that will use my skills and allow me to
accompany[117]
with my husband to travel. I'm visiting[118]
places I haven't seen for many years and ones I've never been to before.
What's more, I will want to be a volunteer to help our
community. In my free time, I will visit my friends. Finally,
I will write the[119] book
about our dramatic immigrant stories ,[120]
hence[121] I
should take a deep[122]
to think about what I want for starting[123]
to branch out discover[124] more
opportunities. In summary, according to this plan, I believe that I will
have a wonderful retirement, and it's[125]
busy in a satisfying way.
(173 words)
Planning for retirement is a suitable topic for future time.
The structure of most sentences is very good; while the clause beginning with hence needs serious revision, the others
need minor edits. You underlined the verbs, as required. You used future with will well. The present and pres prog uses are incorrect; please review Ch3. You used one future
perfect but failed to include future progressive and future perfect
progressive. What will you be doing in 2, 5, 10 years? What will you have been
doing by a certain date? You included vocabulary data, as required, and used
7.18% AWL well: accompany
community definitely dramatic finally financially hence immigrant job relaxing
summary volunteer whereas.
|
10/12/14
Increasing Number of Single Men
in China
Nowadays
in China, having a real property becomes[126]
a decisive factor for young men to find mates. This means only men affording[127]
houses are considered marriage material. Today, many women view economic
factors as their first priorities when looking for a boyfriend because an ideal
marriage based on materialism is an instant way to change their status without
the[128]
hard work. Many women and their parents assert that it is menÕs[129]
responsibility to provide a home for their wives[130],
according to the Chinese traditional norm. However, the rapidly[131]
increased in property prices has made many young men not afford[132]
houses. Obviously, womenÕs obsession with materialism and increasing housing
prices will allow[133]
many young men to have trouble in finding life partners. In addition, it is
anticipated that China will face a growing number of young men who will
be perpetual bachelors due to the cultureÕs preference for boys and [134]one-child[135]
policy. I am surprised to learn that over 20 million men will never have
married by 2020, according to the statistics by local authorities.
(175 words)
This paragraph is academic in tone, with 8% AWL, and the topic
is refreshingly different from the others. It is composed of structurally sound
sentences with a variety of sentence types within the word limit. The
combination of present and future time frames and present and future tenses is
very well executed. Note the use of afford: can/cannot//be able/be unable to +
afford + n/n phr/inf. Notice that English has several
distinct words – have, make (cause), let (allow) –for Chinese 让 depending on the intent. Future verbs are underlined and
vocabulary is documented. Well done!
|
10/13/14
Our Journey to Germany
My kids[136] and I will be traveling to Germany over the summer time next year. It will be for us[137] a stress and frantic and time to see all the families, relatives and friends. However[138] it is a stressful occasion[139] but[140] we are[141] always have been looking[142] forward to this time. Our flight leaves from San Francisco International Airport at 6:00 pm[143] and we are going to approach[144] Munich[145] our destination[146] the following day. By the time we are incoming[147] it will be dark. Germany is nine hours ahead from[148] the United States and the oversea[149] flight takes approximately 11 hours. I am not looking forward to this long flight, but my children like it. This will be the time when they can focus[150] and relax by the TV for hours. Before we leave, we must purchase some presents for the family. As well[151] to[152] get prepared and organized with all the packing and requirements what[153] I need for our stay because we will be staying approximately[154] there for almost two month[155].
Describing next summer's trip is a suitable topic. The paragraph is a good length at 172 words. Why do you want to emphasize that your trip is stressful? You use this word twice at the beginning. This gives the reader a negative feeling. Is that your intent? If so, provide other details that support this negativity throughout the trip. If not, change the outlook. Future, future progressive, okay. Fut per? Fut perf prog? What will the children (two? Seven? Twenty?) have done by the time you land? Be careful of word choice. Will they have slept? Watched 5 hours of movies? OR what will you have purchased for your relatives by the time you depart? The sentence structure is good; pay attention to the order of words and phrases. You underlined verbs and provided vocabulary data.
For sbdy to do sthg.
IC1 + comma + IC1. Commas around an appositive phr.
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our journey to germany |
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10/13/14
Plan
How time flies! I wasn't born yesterday! I have been[156] an adult already,[157] I am about to enter the cruel real world, so I am going to make a future plan that help[158] me achieve my goal step by step. Before I enter the real world I will have graduated from the[159] college, because Knowledge[160] is the foundation of everything. Then,[161] I will develop a good life habit like go[162] the[163] the gym at least twice a week,[164] and keep[165] early hours. Also I am going to work hard on my English language skill,[166] I will have[167] able to communicate by[168] English with everyone. My major is computer science,[169] I love programing, so I will find a job which[170] is about[171] computer[172]. I will have to contact [173]with others as much as possible to make more friends, learn from other's[174] strong points to counteract my own weaknesses. according[175] to that[176] plan, I will be growing dramatically.
K1 Words (1-1000): 87.90%
K2 Words (1001-2000):
AWL
Words (academic): 7.01%
Off-List Words: 2.55%
The topic of the paragraph is suitable for future time. At 156
words, it's within the word limit. The verbs are not underlined, but with a few
exceptions, you used all of the future tenses well. Overall, the sentence
structure is very good. However, the major error type is maintaining sentence
boundaries: you made three comma splice errors. Please review Correction
Symbols for Online Classes and note the difference between one kind of comma in English (and the rules) vs. two kinds in
Chinese. The academic words (achieve adult
communicate computer computer contact dramatically
foundation goal job major) are used well, but many of the K1 words are
not; look at the footnotes. The title is weak.
[1] Cap. See directions and Course > Lessons > Grammar and Sentence Structure Resources > when to use capital letters
[2] of what? When?
[3] wf
[4] det. Review Ch 7 Articles and
Other Determiners
[5] ww
[6] Time phrase and verb tense don't match.
[7] not possessive
[8] confusing – not a new school, based on previous sentences
[9] frag
[11] vt + object
[12] ro
[13] what is the antecedent of this pronoun?
[14] ww
[15] 'meet sbdy' and 'meet with sbdy' are different. See explanation
[16] sp
[17] cs
[19] 'go' = vi. Prep required
[20] ???
[21] sg cn
[22] vt + O, no prep
[23] delete
[24] wf
[25] invited
[26] sva
[27] ;prepare' vs 'prepare for' – prepare a meal for my family, prepare a lesson for my students (I give it to them) vs. to prepare for cold weather by putting on a heavy coat; to prepare for war
[28] tns
[29] Is this a future plan (a plan you will make later, in the future), or your plan(s) for the future?s
[30] This is not
a speech. Write a topic sentence. Course
> Lessons
>Grammar
and Sentence Structure Resources > How
to write a topic sentence
[31] pl cn
[32] about operation pipeline of natural gas --> operating natural gas pipelines
[33] -->DC: When n. g. (passive)É it losesÉ
[34] det+ sg cn
[35] wf
[36] tns
[37] Why did you mention your prior job? Do you hope to get a new job related to that one?
[38] Last
[39] can: possible vs. could: may not be possible
[40] ww: next
[41] pronoun referents? We? They? Who?
[42] fut
[43] Sg/pl
[44] Combine to make a compound sent: IC1, so IC2 "SecondÉ increase"
[45] ww
[46] tns
[47] active, fut
[48] ??
[49] be
[50] wf scared
[51] sp
[52] sp
[53] Analyze the sent: family can't be the subj of both verbs.
[54] wf
[55] sg
[56] del
[57] del
[58] del
[59] sg Review Ch 7
[60] This is not a speech. Write a topic sentence.
[61] punc
[62] ww: plan. Repetitive
[63] del. See Ch 7
[64] + Development
[65] punc
[66] supposed to? By whose expectation? ww
[67] det
[68] sg
[69] tns
[70] sp
[71] punc
[72] +in
[73] del
[74] del
[75] ww
[76] punc
[77] ww
[79] tns
[80] tns? Meaning? Time frame?
[81] Ww: this amusement park
[82] wf: ger
[83] ww: money
[84] ww: gotten to/arrived at
[85] sp
[86] ??
[87] ww: The next
[88] ww
[89] del
[90] ww: will? May?
[91] ww: ridden on
[92] ww: During the live performance
[93] ww: will?
[94] wf: n
[95] ww: am sure
[96] do they have only one together or two separate minds?
[97] Ww: come here vs. go there. Wf: ger
[98] ww
[99] ww: that
[100] ww: immigrated
[101] tns: past
[102] ww
[103] punc
[104] ww
[105] tns: pres perf
[106] + semester, term
[107] ww: stop, delay, refrain from
[108] del
[109] from now on
[110] indef
[111] vt + obj
[112] ??
[113] ?
[114] pron referent?
[115] Tns: pres prog
[116] awk: use one adv phr
[117] vt, no prep
[118] tns: fut
[119] indef art
[120] punc
[122] ww: take a deep?? Take=vt + obj
[123] awk: del for starting
[124] ?? awkward succession of 3 verbs.
[125] Tns: fut
[126] tns: pres perf
[127] who can afford
[128] del
[129] sg
[130] sg
[131] wf: adj
[132] unable to affor
[133] ww: cause
[134] + China's
[135] one-child-only
[136] "Children" is more formal. "Kids" is less formal.
[137] Move this prep phr after time.
[138] Ww: Although
[139] punc
[140] del
[141] del
[142] wo: aux1 + adv + aux2 + main v
[143] punc
[144] ww: reach
[145] punc
[146] punc
[147] ww & tns: land
[148] ww
[149] wf + s
[150] focus on what?
[151] Don't start a new sentence with this connector.
[152] Ww: as
[153] ww
[154] del
[155] pl
[156] tns: simp pres
[157] cs
[158] tns: fut
[159] del
[160] no cap
[161] punc
[162] wf: ger
[163] ww: prep
[164] punc
[165] wf
[166] cs
[167] ww
[168] ww
[169] cs
[170] that
[171] ww related to
[172] pl
[173] vt + d.o.
[174] pl
[175] cap
[176] ww: this