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DIRECTIONS
Week
4 Writing Assignment: Paragraph in the past time frame
Due
date: 11 pm Sat Sep 25, 2004.
Click
NEW THREAD to post your paragraph. In the Subject Line, type your paragraph
title. In the message body, type or copy your paragraph of 150-175 words. You must
use different action verbs in the past time frame. Refer to the different verb
forms in Chapter 2 and the academic
vocabulary from Ch 1 online. Use at least one of
each sentence type, in any order: simple, compound, complex, and
compound-complex. Pay attention to verb tenses and verb forms. For topic
suggestions, see the syllabus.
Each paragraph was graded according to the criteria specified above.
|
|
11. Trip to Malaysia 13. Adapting to Online Classes 15. Driver License (2) 16. Trip to Yosemite 18. My Honeymoon 19. School Fun Fair |
25. Trip to New York 27. Trip to Europe 29. Teenage Drivers |
Date: Wed Sep 22 2004 2:33 pm
Author: Tran, Thai <thaitran@covad.net>
Subject: My trip in Corsica
Have you ever been on an island ?1 Two summers ago, I had an opportunity to visit
Corsica,[1]a small island of France, with my
husban[2] and my daughter. This island is
named[3]
³A mountain in the middle of the sea³. Thus[4],
on the winded[5] road, we
could see the rainbow[6]
sun ray[7]
reflecting on the picturesque cliff[8]
and on the deep blue sea. The beaches with white sand and transparent water[9]
allowed us to distinguish multicolor[10] fish swimming. The water was so warm
that we paddled[11] all long
day with pleasure. Once, while we were climbing and hiking in the mountain, we
were surprised by a magnificent waterfall tumbling and forming a small pool at
the bottom.1After we enjoyed bathing in this natural pool,
we tasted sausage and salami, the local product, at a hut restaurant[12]
nearby.
Iıll never forget this wonderful
trip. Next time, if I have opportunities[13]
to travel, I hope I could[14]
visit the other paradise islands of the world.
165 words. How lovely! You used very descriptive language to describe the island. Reading your paragraph takes the reader to the wonderful scenery. The paragraph contains well-written simple and complex sentences, but not compound or compound-complex. The use of present perfect, past, past progressive in the past time frame is excellent. No past perfect. Posted Sat Sep 25 2004 2:00 AM.
19
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Date: Thu Sep 23 2004 1:23 pm
Author: Ho, Shih-Wei (Candice) <shibayoyo@hotmail.com>
Subject: Discovery in a business conference
I went to an international conference called Flexible Display Conference in Phoenix, Arizona in February 2004 and learned about many impressive technologies. The conference was held by United States Display Consortium and the topics included flexible TFT substrates, flexible electronic displays and some related issues. There was also an exhibition for attendants[15] to demonstrate what they had been working on. Philips, the leading technology company in Europe, introduced an innovative product called electronic paper[16] which was[17] as light and thin as paper and whose content can be uploaded through a modem line or a satellite network. In the exhibition, the demonstrator operated the electronic paper while he was pretending to be on the phone in a subway train. This invention drew a lot of attentions[18][19] and Philips was working[20] with a Californian company to launch the product next year. The introduction of this product was expected[21] to replace current newspapers and revolutionize peopleıs lifestyles. In order to lower the cost, related companies had been working[22] on flexible TFT substrates, such as plastics, to be incorporated in the electronic paper.
179 words. This describes some very interesting technology. The sentence structure is excellent, and the vocabulary is appropriately sophisticated. Great use of present perfect, simple past in active and passive voice, past progressive and past perfect progressive. Try to distinguish between what people did at the conference (past) and what the companies are doing (now) to advertise their products so that people will buy (future) them. The paragraph contains well-written simple sentences with complex elements, compound sentences that need internal punctuation, complex sentences, but no compound-complex ones. Posted Sat Sep 25 2004 2:00 AM.
19
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Date: Thu Sep 23 2004 10:19 pm
Author: Ohay, Yevheniya <zhenya.ohay@sbcglobal.net>
Subject: The Muse concert.[23]
Last Tuesday was one of the happiest days in my life. My friend and I bought concert tickets to the performance of our favorite band ³Muse². [24] As the concert was approaching closer and closer, my mood was getting better and better. After I got out from school[25] I went home and started to get ready for the concert. I got my[26] permission from the teacher lo leave my class earlier[27]. While I was dreaming about the evening my friend came and we headed to San Francisco.25 There were many people in front of the entrance. Some of them were waiting in line to get inside; others were trying to buy tickets and few[28] were distributing them.19 By the time we got inside one band already had performed.25 Turned[29] out that the concert consisted of the performances of the[30] three different bands. With [31]usherıs help we found our seats, which were located on the balcony in the middle section. When the[32] ³Muse²[33] came out they created[34] exciting atmosphere in [35]hall.25 The performance was great and the band has[36] the charm that made everyone sing aloud and enjoy the show entirely.19 It was the best concert I have ever been at! I hope Iıll remember being there as long as I can.
211 words. I can tell how much you enjoyed this concert. Your paragraph has a lot of energy in it. You used all of the four sentence structures: simple, compound, compound, and compound-complex. Except for the internal punctuation, they are very well-formed. You used simple past, past progressive, past perfect, and present perfect excellently. If you kept within the word limit, it would have been even better. Posted Sat Sep 25 2004 2:00 AM.
19
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Date: Fri Sep 24 2004 11:38 am
Author: Kim Cho, Eunsook <cho3274@hotmail.com>
Subject: The First Business Trip[37]
In 2001, I went on my first
oversea[38]
business trip to[39] Germany for
5[40] days. There was a large
international education exhibition.[41]
Before this trip, I had never gone abroad except for my honeymoon; I went on a
honeymoon to Hawaii.[42]
This trip gave [43] [44]impetus
to trable2 more. My first impression of Germany was that
this country wasnıt similar to my country[45].
Houses in the city, which I stayed in,[46]
were built with[47] different
construction materials and had different shapes from my countryıs houses. [48]
Some highways didnıt have a speed limit. One morning, I rode a bicycle among
big green trees. The soil looked fertile, dark brown, and the air refreshed me
in mind and body. I fell in love with Germany without any thought[49]
such as[50]
the history, politics, economy, and social issues. During the exhibition tour,
I met somebody conducting an opinion poll about the exhibition. I was
embarrassed because I couldnıt answer anything. I couldnıt speak any word in
English, [51]even yes[52].
In addition, all catalogs were written in English, so I couldnıt read them.[53]
I regretted giving up studying English.[54]
I needed to start studying English again in order to overcome my language
obstacle. Germanıs natural environment and culture made me yearned[55]
for a foreign country and the exhibition convinced me why should I[56]
study English again. Iıll never forget that business trip.
229 words far exceeds the word limit. Your trip to Germany was a turning point for you in terms of travel and learning English. You clearly enjoyed it. You used all of the four sentence structures: simple, compound, compound, and compound-complex. Except for the internal punctuation, they are very well-formed. You used simple past in both active and passive voice, past perfect, and present perfect, but not past progressive. The paragraph far exceeds the word limit; keep the most important points, and omit the others. Posted Sat Sep 25 2004 2:00 AM.
17
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Date: Fri Sep 24 2004 12:22 pm
Author: Kim, Moonjung <mkaileen@yahoo.com>
Subject: A trip to Las Vegas with my family23
A trip to Las Vegas with my family
This
summer[57]
my husband, my daughter, and I went on vacation for[58]
Las Vegas. It was only a 2 night 3 days short trip[59]40; however[60]
I got carried away by going to[61]
Les Vagas2. For[62]
last few years[63] I only had
to concentrate[64] on raising my young daughter all by
myself since we didn't have our parents or close relatives here to help me.[65]
I thought the trip would give me freshness in my ordinary boring life[66].
As soon as we got off [67]plane,
we had to fill[68] our stomach[69]
first; we hadn't eaten dinner before we got on the plane.1After we finished dinner, we rent[70]
a car,[71] and drove around the down town Las
Vegas. It was three years ago las time I visited here and I found several new
hotels.[72]
The street was filled with lots of people[73]
and excitements[74]. After the
short[75]
sightseeing, we checked in[76]
Excalibur hotel[77],[78]
and slept for tomorrow[79].
Next day I decided to let my husband spend a day gambling.[80]
While he was gambling, my daughter and I swam in the hotel pool,[81]
and went shopping around[82].
My husband, my daughter, and I joined to go[83]
to Hoover Dam. Even though my husband gambled away several hundred dollars, I
tried not to ruin[84]
my vacation feeling. Finally, I relieved[85]
myself that I had the[86]
great time.
225 words far exceeds the word limit The paragraph vacillates (swings indecisively) between positive and negative. What is the overall feeling or viewpoint that you want the reader to come away with while reading your paragraph? Choose one unifying theme and stick with it. The paragraph far exceeds the word limit; omit unnecessary ideas and wordiness. The paragraph uses simple compound, complex, and compound-complex sentences, although with errors in word choice, word usage, syntax, and punctuation. Past, past perfect are used, but not past progressive or present perfect. Posted Sat Sep 25 2004 2:00 AM.
15
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Date: Fri Sep 24 2004 12:41 pm
Author: Pham, Jenny <jennypham@comcast.net>
Subject: Creative writing23
I had a great fun in a creative
writing class that I took last semester. This class introduced me to how to
write a fiction novel. First, I began to make up a couple[87]
main characters including[88]
everything about[89] physical
and emotional descriptions[90]
such as looks[91], job[92],
family, and friends. Second, to enrich the settings[93],
I created the location where the story happened, and the weather was also
mentioned[94] to help the
readers see a real[95] clear picture. Third, to grab the
readersı attention, [96]plot
was designed[97] to add more[98]
drama and strategies[99] to the story. After finishing the
story, I transferred the most important ideas from more than five page story[100]
to less than ten sentences poetry[101].
In the end, I was fascinated[102]
how a novel can turn into a two hour movie.
138 words falls short of the minimum requirement. Your account of creating characters and setting for a novel is very good, and reducing the kernel ideas from a story to a short poem is very interesting. The opening reference to a novel, however, does not lead the reader to the short story. The other conflicting part about this paragraph is the reference to a movie at the end; it is an illogical conclusion to the poetry. Probably there are parts of the creative writing class that are missing from this short paragraph. Add the missing information in your revision. The paragraph uses only the simple past, no past perfect, past progressive, or present perfect. It uses simple, complex, and compound-complex sentences, no compound sent. Posted Sat Sep 25 2004 2:00 AM.
16
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Date: Fri Sep 24 2004 9:56 pm
Author: Ly, Yen <yensontin@yahoo.com>
Subject: My best vacation2337
My best vacation
I can say the trip to Canada on[103]
this[104]
spring break with my family was the best vacation that I have ever had. I[105]
visited my aunt, and then I took the ferry about two hours[106]
to Vancouver;24 a place that attracts most of the tourists with
many museums and flowers[107].
I was startled when I first saw the wax characters in the Wax Museum because
every things[108] there were
look[109]
like[110]
real. It was very interesting because I could see all the famous people from
many different dynasties. The most popular flower in Vancouver is[111]
tulip, so I could enjoy thousand[112]
different kinds of tulip[113]
in Butcher2 Garden[114].
When I stepped in the garden, I felt like I was standing in front of a colorful
poster of wonderful combination[115].
The trip was worth it because I could eat many tropical fruits that I hadnıt
eaten for long time[116].[117]
I was attracted by many special souvenirs that the local people have sold[118]
near by the harbor, so[119]
I wish I can go[120]
back there.
174 words. It is apparent that you enjoyed your vacation in Canada. The paragraph describes the Wax Museum and the Butchard Gardens (in Victoria, not Vancouver), but merely mentions fruit and the fact that Canada is not at all tropical is puzzling. The paragraph uses simple past tense, past progressive, and past perfect; the present tense is used incorrectly. It uses simple, compound, and complex sentences adequately; the last sentence attempts to be compound-complex but is not quite right. Posted Sat Sep 25 2004 2:00 AM.
16
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8.
Date: Sat Sep 25 2004 12:19 am
Author: Zhou, Jiali <kelly17cat@yahoo.com.cn>
Subject: My helpful education23
My education was helpful to me
when I applied for a part-time job as a teacher -assistant[121].1There was about one year ago before I came
to the U.S.[122] Since I
knew I had to immgrate2 to the U.S.,1I was studying at an English trainning2 center out of[123]
school in order to improve my listening &2 speaking skills.1A few weeks later[124],1the foreign asked me to help him with the
children's class that he was teaching.1He doesn't[125] know Chinese, so he needed a T.A. to
help him translate something[126] to the kids and communicate with
their parents.1Before I came[127]
to that center,1I 'd learned[128]
English for about 540 years at my own school.1The English education was helpful with the T.A.
job somehow126.1When I disscussed2 [129]with
the teacher, I was using oral English to talk with him.1The[130]
grammer2 skill helped me correct the homework which are312 students did. I needed to read the textbooks
before having classes that used my reading skill[131].1Without the English education I learned[132]
at school, I couldn't afford[133]
to get the job, and the teacher coundn't2 ask me to help.1I could earn surplus[134]
money while I was studying at school.
192 words exceeds the word limit. There is a lot of imprecise language, which creates a paragraph that lacks clarity. Some sentences use simple past, past progressive adequately. The paragraph does not use past progressive effectively or present perfect at all. There is a reasonable attempt to use simple and complex sentences. There are no compound or compound-complex sentences. Word choice, spelling, and spacing errors are prevalent. Posted Wed Sep 29 2004 2:00 AM.
13
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Date: Sat Sep 25 2004 10:35 am
Author: Chu, Hoang <hchuq@yahoo.com>
Subject: In order to hunt a job, 23[135]
I learned from my own experience
how to get a job. Job hunter[136],
I would have[137] strategies
and plans. First, I determined my skills and abilities; then, I filled out a
first root[138] resume.
There were some available sources[139]
on the website that helped me to optimize[140]
an effected[141] resume; indeed, a resume should
attract[142] to[143]
employers or they are interested[144]
when they read it. The root resume[145]
changed[146] to an
actual resume after I had read job descriptions[147]. [148]Resume
was an advertiser[149]
my background to employersı personnel[150].
I spent hours to edit, rewrite, and modify[151]
up to date[152] before
send[153]
it to employers. I used computer fax modem147 to fax my resumes. I purchased a good phone
with automatic answering system147. I agree with everyone about the first
impression142; I really cared[154]
what I should wear on that day for a job interview. I was always hoping125 for the best; furthermore, luck was one of the
factors that I counted on. Finally, one of those companies called me to work
for them. I accepted their offer.
177 words. This paragraph vacillates between past time frame and general truth. Stick to the past time frame. The fact that you used resources available on the web to develop/improve your resume seems to contradict the first statement, which implies that you learned only from your experience and did not get help or tips elsewhere. The paragraph uses simple past tense and simple, compound, complex and compound-complex sentences. What is the main idea you want the readers to remember? State it in the topic sentence. Posted Wed Sep 29 2004 2:00 AM.
14
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Date: Sat Sep 25 2004 12:07 pm
Author: Le, Giai <giaithanhle@yahoo.com>
Subject: Homework[155]
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Giai Le
Student ID: 1460434
ESL/970G
What you did in order to get a driver
license?[157]
I got a driver license after some
experiences that made me wiser whenever I recalled[158]
them[159].
I was so[160] confused while attending[161]
the written test. The questions seemed easy, but I somehow had forgotten most
of what I had learned. I finally qualified[162]
that test at the third time[163].
Another fact was[164],
I always admitted[165]
myself[166] that I got[167]
a lot of skills in doing thing by hands[168],
especially driving vehicle147. Conversely, the drive[169]
instructor really had a long-hard-time[170]
to teach me before I was able to wheel[171]
the sedan properly.
I remembered[172]
I was so160 nervous on the day I took a driving test
officially. I confined[173]
myself that did very well in changing lane as well as pullover and
three-points-turn. I had thought I was going to make it before the examiner
failed me due to over speed. Two weeks went by, I returned to DMV for a second
driving test. I had prepared myself the day before I actually sat behind the
driving wheel. I behaved wiser after the previous experiences had marked deeply
into my brain. After the test, I knew that I had maneuvered the vehicle
perfectly. I received the driver license in one of the most beautiful Friday in
June, 2002.
In conclusion, I definitely had a
big lesson in life. I known, in whatever circumstance, there is nothing easy if
you do not go for it one hundred percent.
236 words, 4 paragraphs. This far exceeds both the word limit and the paragraph limit. Follow the directions and write with the criteria and specifications in mind. Throughout the paragraph, there are serious word choice and word usage errors. The paragraph lacks academic vocabulary and grammatical accuracy commensurate with an advanced level. In many cases, I guess the meaning and suggest a word. In some cases, I simply cannot guess the meaning. Since the essay is too long, it is not effective for me to correct all of the errors. It must be rewritten as one short paragraph containing only the most important information to recount the story. Posted Wed Sep 29 2004 2:00 AM.
10
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Date: Sat Sep 25 2004 12:12 pm
Author: Chen, Lin <colineva25@hotmail.com>
Subject: My Once[174]
Boring Tour
My Once Boring Tour[175]
It[176]
happened on April 1999. My wife and I enjoined[177]
a tour group to visit Malaysia,[178]
and we were pretty[179]
excited before we went to an exotic country, but the whole touring agenda and
viewpoints planning[180]
destroyed our dreaming imagination[181]
about a beautiful tropical country. [182]We
had been visited[183] [184] a shopping store[185],
a mosque, a casino which is biggest[186]
in Asia, and a Dutch style street in a city during the journal[187].[188]
A tremendous thing[189]
was also happened183 on the way to the casino; the touring bus[190]
was out of work[191]
in the hills, and we had wait for almost two and half hours until another bus
coming184. The whole tour way[192]
designed[193] so160 boring except for someone who was166 really like[194]
gamble[195], and my
wife and I were[196]
definitely not. We love[197]
to see some beautiful views, different cultural[198]
or customs, and anything new for us, but we didnıt get it[199]
at all.
154 words. This paragraph attempts to describe a boring tour in the past time frame, but some points (a mosque) may not appear boring in the way theyıre described. There is no topic sentence.[200] The vocabulary is very weak. There are many wrong words word choice, as well as word form errors. The paragraph lacks academic vocabulary and grammatical accuracy commensurate with an advanced level. There are many malformed verbs. There are no error-free sentences. Posted Wed Sep 29 2004 2:00 AM.
11
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Date: Sat Sep 25 2004 1:35 pm
Author: Vu, Duy <duy_vu2001@yahoo.com>
Subject: My Trip
Last summer, I and my friend[201]
had an opportunity to visit [202]hometown,
a small city is[203]
located at[204] South of
Viet Nam[205]. I have
not seen[206] my family
and relative[207] for a long time. When I got there, I
couldnıt image[208]
the change[209] of[210]
the city[211]. The
big-tall great buildings were almost grown up[212];
the people with motorcycle were crowded.[213]
We took taxi home with heavy suitcases[214];
otherwise, I would ride motorcycle with much danger[215].
I thought this trip would make me fun and interested[216]
because we could rather[217]
to meet my friends; however, they had moved to many other places to get good
education[218]. Therefore, I and my family visited
many famous places and restaurants of Viet Nam which[219]
food I have never tried[220]
before; itıs[221] really delicious and spicy. It was[222]
three weeks later I decided to ride motorcycle218 even thought2 we could get accident[223]
any time because the streets are[224]
always filled with a lot of people; whatever it was exciting and strange to me.
Anyway I had to come back to U.S after a month and this is an unforgettable
experience trip to me. If you have a chance to take vacation, I highly
recommend you to visit my country which one you will be suprised2 that other countries don't have.
215 words exceeds the word limit. It is very strange that you donıt even tell readers the name of your hometown. What reason is there to hide it, especially since it is the topic of your paragraph? Every sentence is full of errors; there is not even one error-free sentence. (I did not mark the last few sentences.) Despite the fact that the assignment is to write about an event in the past time frame, many verbs that should clearly be past verbs are not. A lot of other errors revolve around vocabulary, word choice, and phrasing. Some are so severe that I do not understand the intent and cannot offer a correction. There is a reasonable attempt to construct simple, compound and complex sentences, but they are flawed by internal errors. Posted 2:00 AM Oct.1, 2004
9
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Date: Sat Sep 25 2004 2:41 pm
Author: Chu, Charles <charlesschu@sbcglobal.net>
Subject: Adapting Needed
This is
the 2nd2 time for me to take an online class - ESL 970G[225].
Last summer I took MUS 8 (Music of Multicultural America) online at Foothill
College, and this[226]
experience, to my surprise, did not adapt me to my online ESL 970G class
more easily[227], if not
the opposite.[228]
For MUS 8, I basically did two things: read the text book[229] at home and did the exams
online. I went to the school lab.[230]
to listen to some music only once. Occasionally, I emailed some
questions to the instructor, Dr. Elizabeth Berkley, who was kind enough to
reply shortly. All the exams including final[231] were made available at the beginning of the quarter, so
students could work at their own pace.
ESL 970G appears awkward for me. First I lost my paragraph, which I did write[232] on the school computer on the first day of class[233], and yesterday I made another stupid mistake: mistaking wk2 1's stuff[234] for wk 4's stuff for extra credit (already removed).[235]
Now I
understand I'll have to pay more attention in order to adapt myself[236] to this new class.
186 words. 4 paragraphs. Clearly the classes organized by the two professors are different. In this class there is a community of learners; there is a broad audience for your writing and interaction among classmates. In your music class, apparently only the professor received each studentıs work. It appears to have been a self-paced individual learning environment that did not provide interaction among students, and perhaps did not involve revision and editing. It seems that you felt more comfortable in that environment. Donıt be too hard on yourself (³stupid²). Be patient with yourself, give yourself time to adapt to the new ³culture² of this online environment, and you will succeed. Try to economize and write more succinctly in one paragraph. Some suggestions are in footnoted comments. Focus the paragraph on a main idea in the past. Start the paragraph with a topic sentence.200 Posted 2:00 AM Oct.1, 2004
15
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Date: Sat Sep 25 2004 3:25 pm
Author: Le, Huyentran thanh <mickeyle75@yahoo.com>
Subject: My vacation in Hawaii23
Every summer, we[237]
usually take a week for traveling. This[238]
summer, my family and I decided to go to Hawaii that have[239]
a lot of beautiful beaches and landscapes[240].
On August 28, we flew to Oahu Island that is interested in[241]
many tourists because of its warm weather and beautiful resorts in Hawaii[242].
Before we came[243]
to Hawaii, we had spent a lot of time for shopping such as
buying swimming suit, summer clothes, and underwater camera[244]...[245]
When we arrived[246]
Honolulu international[247] Airport , Hawaiians who worked for
the hotel company were waiting for us to welcome[248]
by saying a word" Aloha" ( It means I love you"). Then,
they gave each person a hug and flower clay[249].
After that, they took them[250]
back to the Hotel[251] to
take a rest after five hours of flying[252].
On the first day at[253] Hawaii, we work[254]
up very early, took a shower, dressed up clothes and had a breakfast at the
hotel. After breakfast, we visited[255] around the city of Honolulu
by free shuttle. On the second day, we spent the whole day in
swimming at the[256]
Waikiki beach. We took many pictures while we were swimming, jumping and
playing into[257]
the water with a splash[258].
we walked and lay down[259]
on the white sand beach under[260]
the sun shine229.1It made me feel better after hard working days[261]. Finally,
we had an excited[262]
and happy time in[263]
this summer; we hope that we will visit Hawaii on[264]
next summer.
247 words far exceeds the word limit. There are no error-free sentences. Express ideas more briefly and clearly. For example: take a week for traveling (5 words, non-idiomatic) => travel for a week (4 words, idiomatic); decided to go (3 words) => went (1 word); spent a lot of time for shopping such as buying (10 words) => bought (1 word). Is it necessary to tell the reader you woke up, took a shower, and got dressed? How do those everyday actions support your topic? What is the main idea of this paragraph? Start with a topic sentence200 and keep only those details that support the topic the fun activities that made the vacation enjoyable. Delete details that donıt support this (by five hours, shuttle, rest). Posted 2:00 AM Oct.1, 2004
13
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Date: Sat Sep 25 2004 5:51 pm
Author: Desta, Dereje <dere0507@yahoo.com>
Subject: Getting Driving[265]
licence23 [266]
people[267] who need driving licence2 [268]
in California have done a little things[269].
I was one of them. I did some things to get my driving licence2. First, I took appointement2 [270]
for[271] writting2 teast2,[272] then I found a book to study, but I
didn't study good[273]
because when I took my first writting2 teast2, I faild2; [274]however,
in[275]
the same day, I took the teast2 again; still, I faild2. In california77, there is[276]
three chances to take writting2 teast2, so I had to take my third chance to pass the
teast2. After I had studied hard, I took
the teas2t again,[277]
then I passed[278].
This was the first step to reach[279]
driving a car. The sconde2 thing[280]
I did learning how[281]
drive a car. This was the[282]
easier one[283] than the
writting2 teast2; however[284],
I found a person who teach[285]
driving. She was a nice person from Vitnam2. After I had learnt[286],
I took the driving teast2, I passed[287]
on the first day . Finally, I got my driving licence2 from[288]
santa clara77, CA in 1998.In conclusion, to get a driving
licence2 in California looks very hard; on the other
hand, if you take time and study it is easy.[289]
199 words exceeds the limit. The paragraph lacks academic vocabulary and grammatical accuracy expected an advanced level. There are many erroneous words and phrases and an excessive number of spelling errors for even the most basic English words (e.g., test, writing, second). There are no error-free sentences. Posted 2:00 AM Oct.1, 2004
7
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Date: Sat Sep 25 2004 5:58 pm
Author: Chen, Hui <huichen100@yahoo.com>
Subject: My trip in[290]
Yosemite National Park23
Last Saturday my family went to the Yosemite National Park[291]. After four hours driving, we arrived at the park entrance. When we were going to buy the[292] ticket, the parkıs staff told us that day was the National Public Lands Day[293], so the entrance fee is[294] waived,272 we were lucky. We drove to the park information center where has[295] the bus which could take[296] us to visit Yosemite Valley. We visited [297]Nature Center at Happy Isles and Lower Yosemite fall[298]. Unfortunately, the fall was dry; accordingly, we only[299] could see the huge stone with the[300] black water mark standing there[301]. On the second day, we drove to the[302] Glacier Point291 to see Half Dome. When we stood on the top of the mountain, we were not being[303] in mood for enjoying[304] the beautiful view because we felt extreme[305] cold. The temperature was only 38 degree[306]; however, we only299 wore[307] the[308] jacket[309]. A few minuets2 later[310], it began to snow. When I saw the innumerable tiny snowflakes floating down, I felt excited because I hadnıt seen snow since I came to the U.S. I like this nature park but I have much regret about this trip, so we are planning to go there again next spring.
205 words exceeds the limit. What do you want to be the main idea going/driving/arriving or enjoying/visiting/sightseeing? The latter is logical; however, this paragraph spends over 60 words driving. Combine the most essential ideas in those first few lines into two succinct sentences. Unify the paragraph with a topic sentence200. Omit details that do not support the main idea. Most instances of simple past tense are used correctly. One past perfect. Most simple, complex, and compound sentences are well-formed. Refer to chapter 9 to learn about nouns and articles. Posted 2:00 AM Oct.1, 2004
15
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Date: Sat Sep 25 2004 6:35 pm
Author: Nguyen, Davis <dat_davis@yahoo.com>
Subject: My escape trip from Vietnam23
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I left Vietnam on October 20th, 1982 in a small fishing boat. When I rode to the fishing village, which is 40 miles[311] way[312] from Saigon city,[313] in the afternoon, I was instructed to stay and sleep in a boat for312 that night. At 3.00 am in the morning I was awakened and transferred to another boat. By that time,[314] I realized,313 the boat that we would use to depart, 313 was too small to fit[315] for312 64 of us[316]. The boat was about 10 feet wide and 25 feet long. However[317], I didnıt have another option since my mother already paid[318] the organizers ahead of time. If I had not gone, she would have lost the money. Being frightened,[319] I stepped on the boat,71 and was quietly sitting221 in the bunker with other children.[320] We were told to keep shut[321], no matter what would happen later[322]. My boat started to leave[323] the fishing village and sailed along the Saigon River to the VungTau open sea[324]. When we arrived to[325] the ocean25 I could see some sunlight coming through cracks in to[326] our bunker. It was around 6.00 am in that morning, and it was also the most critical and most dangerous period of the trip since the sea patrolling police could see us clearly.
214 words far exceeds the word limit. Some errors in this paragraph are the same ones that I corrected last semester (length, ww, wf). At some point, probably early in your story, you should tell the readers your age so that we can imagine the situation better. Think about the fear of escape and bring us this emotion in a revised topic sentence200. I left Vietnam is bland. Omit some details that donıt support this fear. End the paragraph with a compelling conclusion. Tenses used: simple past (both active and passive), past perfect. Not used: past progressive, present perfect. Sentence structures used: simple, complex, compound-complex. Not used: compound. Posted 2:00 AM Oct.1, 2004
16
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Date: Sat Sep 25 2004 6:44 pm
Author: Kivrakmir, Ilknur <ilknur_mir@yahoo.com>
Subject: My Honeymoon - Ilknur
I have been married for over seven
years. When I met my husband, I was going to [327]university. After I had finished the[328]
school, we had[329]
married and we wanted to go for[330]
our honeymoon. My husband and I had researched[331]
together in[332] the
Internet before we went to honeymoon[333],
and we decided to go to Antalya in[334]
Mediterranean coast[335].
This place was natural and beautiful city in Turkey[336].
Everyday[337] I went to
the beach, but my husband stayed in the hotel. That time my husband enjoyed
reading. He did not want to sit under[338]
the sun for long time218; however[339]
he preferred swimming after sun set218. We agreed to visit historical places nearby[340]
the city, and we took a lot of pictures of the places we went to. After we had
returned[341] to the hotel, we prepared for
dinner. There were a few restaurants in that place. During our honeymoon, we
tried almost every one of these restaurants whose food was delicious[342].
After we finished our dinner, we walked on the beach. While we were walking on
the beach, we were talking[343]
each other. Before we returned home, we had gone341 for shopping and bought some gifts for our
family and friends. We had lot218 of fun on our honeymoon[344]
and we felt happy because we knew[345]
each other more than before.
223 words far exceeds the word limit. You used all of the four sentence structures: simple, compound, compound, and compound-complex with generally good form. You used simple past, past perfect, past progressive, and present perfect, although not all ideally. This paragraph lacks a topic sentence.200 Try to economize and write more succinctly by combining ideas. Posted 2:00 AM Oct.1, 2004
16
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Date: Sat Sep 25 2004 7:06 pm
Author: Vu, Jenny <student@.com>
Subject: My School Fun Fair
last267 summer, our school had a fun fair to raise funds for building271 an assemlby2 hall. The months before the fun fair day, five to ten dollars worth of coupons were giving[346] to each students[347]. the267 student207 had to sell these coupons. A few others had to pay from their own pockerts2 white253 some students had to return a few coupons back[348]. The day before the fun fair, we decorated the school premises; furthermore, we put up a stalls[349] for games,30 a253 selling foods and drinks.1The fun fair declared346 openned141 by a Member of Parlicement2 for Kallang constiuency[350] amidst the applause of guests and cracker firing[351]. From early morning[352] students started coming in[353],272 also the coupons were crowded[354]. It was interesting to watch the various games in progress. I was assiting2 a food stall[355]; therefore, I had a good colletion2 of coupons354 too. It was a day full of excitement and thrill207.1We enjoyed the fun fair and revelry of the day.
161 words. The paragraph tells about the fun fair. It starts with the purpose and includes some good details; it ends without stating if the objective was met. Past tense is used correctly in most sentences. No past perfect or present perfect. Simple, compound, complex and compound-complex. The intent of some sentences is unclear. Problems include comma splice, word form, word choice, adjective, noun, and verb errors. There are no error-free sentences. Posted 2:30 AM Oct 4, 2004.
13
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Date: Sat Sep 25 2004 7:07 pm
Author: Phu, Ny <nyphu@yahoo.com>
Subject: HOW I GOT MY DRIVERıS LICENSE23
I remember back348 the time I first got my driverıs license in USA[356].
Everyday95, I had to take a bus to go[357]
to school. Moreover, whenever I wanted to go outside[358],
I had to wait for someone in my family who was available to drive me out[359].
After living in the United States for a couple months, I realized that a person
has no car as well as a bird has no wings.[360]
Because of many uncomfortable things[361],
I decided to get a driverıs license. Everyday95 early in the morning, I learned from my teacher
whom I hired from Vietnameseıs[362] newspaper[363].
I had to fight with[364]
my nervous and unsafely362 feeling whenever I put my foot on the pedal.
However, I gradually got back my confident[365]
and felt exciting10 to take a ride. After one month of studying, I
passed the driverıs examination with high score218, had[366]
a driverıs license, and had been enjoying[367]255 of my driving until now.
159 words. You are glad to have obtained your license. The first couple of sentences are a bit confusing. In sentence 1, you state that you got your license, but in sentence 2 you state that you had to take a bus. In which order did those situations occur? Rewrite the topic sentence200 and reorganize the details in chronological order. Omit unnecessary details. Is the source (newspaper) important to support your point? Try to use action verbs from the academic word list instead of the non-action verb ³have,² which is overused in this paragraph. Good use of simple past. Incorrect past perfect. No present perfect or past progressive. No simple, compound, or compound-complex sentences. Posted 2:30 AM Oct 4, 2004.
14
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21.
Date: Sat Sep 25 2004 8:37 pm
Author: Ivkovic, Sofija <sofija@sbcglobal.net>
Subject: Paragraph: Vacation[368]
My family and
couple218 of our friends went on an unforgettable
vacation to the Lake Tahoe last winter. We rented three- story house218 in Tahoe City, and we were very satisfied with
our accommodation306. Before we found this house, we had done some
Internet research about vacation-renting on[369]
Lake Tahoe. Because we have young children, we would makeError!
Bookmark not defined. two groups; one group was skiing, while
the other group was sledding with 327children.[370]
We were skiing221 on Alpine Meadows ski resort, but[371]
we also visited Squaw Valley where 3271960 Olympic Winter Games were held64. One evening 327male members of our group made special
Thanksgiving dinner218, and everyone enjoyed food, music and the sound
of the wood burning in the fireplace. However, the happiest members of our
group were 327children, who made snowman207 and castles out of snow outside, and played
hide-and-seek in the house. Every one of us has beautiful memory218 on[372]
this vacation and we look forward to repeat[373]
this experience.
161 words. You all had an enjoyable trip to Lake Tahoe. Good topic sentence, good details, and logical progression of information. Simple, compound, complex, compound-complex sentences. Simple past, past progressive, past perfect. No present perfect. Take a look at AEG Chapter 9 Nouns, Articles, and Determiners to help you with the article-noun errors. Posted 2:30 AM Oct 4, 2004.
19
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Date: Sat Sep 25 2004 9:40 pm
Author: Pham, Linh <vedepquehuong@gmail.com>
Subject: Tahoe Trip
Recently, my friends and I went to
Tahoe for the weekend. Unlike the30 many [374]
trips that I have taken[375]
to Tahoe, this one was different and quite memorable. The ten of us got a
cabin with a hot tub. We cooked, talked and enjoyed each other[376]
company. We went hiking at Heavenly Mountain[377]. As
we were taking the gondola up the Heavenly Mountain, we were astonished by
the scenery below us and as we were[378]
higher up we were mesmerized by it.[379]
The captivating picture of the bright and shinny2 sky of the late morning hang221 over the deep clear blue water before us[380]
to our surprise was[381]
nothing glamourous, yet it brought out the best of our30 mother nature and tranquility its viewers.354
124 words. Falls short of the minimum word limit. Paragraph unity: over half (78) of the 124 words are about hiking on the mountains at Heavenly Valley, but the other details are not. Can you write a suitable topic sentence and keep only the details that support the TS?200 Some vocabulary is very descriptive of the scenery, but the last sentence is unclear: what is your intent? Untangle the sentence(s). Refer to the academic vocabulary list for stronger verbs. Simple, complex, compound-complex. Simple past, past progressive. Use of perfect is not clear. Posted 2:30 AM Oct 4, 2004.
15
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Date: Sat Sep 25 2004 9:46 pm
Author: Yachkula, Lydia <Lydia_Yachkula@msn.com>
Subject: Back to School Night
I attended my daughterıs Back to
School Night on Tuesday, September 21. When I walked into my daughterıs first
period class, I thought that her first middle school year in seventh grade was
easy. I soon found out that it was tougher than it looked. Her algebra teacher
was strict and boring because she followed all her pointless rules. When the
bell rang in 10 minutes, I could hardly find the second period room. A parent
asked me to wait outside to sign in my name. This other[382]
teacher was a very pleasant lady who seemed to enjoy her job. By third period a
lot more parents came[383],
so the school was total chaos[384].
For third period, she had PE class, which was unexpectedly lifeless. My
daughterıs forth period was science, fifth period was art, and sixth period was
language arts. All the teachers in those three classes were calm, cool, and
collective[385], and
seemed to know what they were doing. So[386]
as it turns out, my daughterıs average day is a lot more complicated than I
thought it was.
180 words. Exceeds the limit slightly. Excellent sentence structure includes simple, complex, compound (no compound-complex). Verb tenses: simple past, past progressive (no past prog, pres perf)The paragraph is unified in that all of the sentences are about the back to school night. The topic sentence has a topic but not really a controlling idea.200 Did you think seventh grade was easy when or before you walked into her first period? The first half the paragraph is about the first two periods, while the second half rushes through periods 3-7. Consider balancing the details more evenly, omitting some in the first half and adding more in the second. What is the overall feeling you wish to give : chaotic? tough? pleasant? Which details support complicated in the conclusion? Shorten it to 150-175 words. Posted 2:30 AM Oct 4, 2004.
19
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Date: Sat Sep 25 2004 10:26 pm
Author: Chu, Chun-Hwa <chwa1123@yahoo.com>
Subject: what my brother did in order to get a job. 23
I have not had a full time job in my life; however, I saw what my brother did
to prepare to find a job. He was68 interested in computer207, so he wanted to find a job in a computer
company. First of all, he read newspaper244 and tried to find some positions, which[387]
he could do. Then, circle29221 them, which[388]
he thought he had changed[389]
to get the job30. Of course, you need[390]
to have some documents that the corporations require221. Third, he needed to send[391]
an e-mail or an envelope[392]
to the company. If the firm replied to him, he could go to there and prepare
the oral quiz[393]. Before
the oral test[394], he needed
to call[395] the firms,
which[396] he wanted
to[397];
in addition, he needed to ask them about some details that he needed to prepare
or pay attention to it30. Also, he has221 to ask about how to enlist[398]
for this job. On that[399]
day, he wore the formal dress[400]
that the companies require[401],
and toke99 a deep breath, then went236 to there early. Finally, he got the[402]
job.
183 words. Exceeds the limit. The paragraph contains steps in a logical order. The vocabulary is very limited, with errors in even basic wording. Simple past is used, but with some errors. No correct past perfect or past progressive. Repetitious overuse of ³need². Try to use strong action verbs. Refer to the academic vocabulary list. Serious relative adjective clause modification errors. Study AEG Chapter 10 Adverbial, Noun, and Relative Clauses. Word choice, word form, verb tense, Posted 2:30 AM Oct 4, 2004.
10
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Date: Sat Sep 25 2004 10:36 pm
Author: Islam, Jemimi <jeminiislam@hotmail.com>
Subject: About My Summer Trip[403]
Summer is my favorite season. I always do some fun stuff during the summer.
Last summer was also fun to me since me and my daughter took a trip to New
York. I stayed there to one my cousinıs home. It was really nice to meet her
after seven years. We were there for two weeks. My cousin and me and my
daughter did lots of fun things and visited various historic places. At first,
we took a trip to Manhattan city. Manhattan is a very busy city. Everywhere you
will find people is running with the time. Whole city is full of yellow cabs
and high-rise buildings. We went to see the place where there was a Twin
Towers, once. It was really sad to see New York without Twin Towers since it
was the heart of New York. Every day lots of people go there to see the broken
building. Before, Twin Towers were the tallest among all other buildings in the
New York. Now Empire State building is the tallest. We also went to see Time
Square. We took another trip to Manhattan during nighttime since it gives a
totally different view than day. It was really amazing to see all those
lights. If you go to Manhattan during mid-night, you will find lots of
people walking on the street. I felt the city doesnıt sleep even nighttime. My Second
trip was to see the Statue Of Liberty. We
took a ferry to cross the river. It was such a nice feeling to see the Statue
Of Liberty from that close. We took lots of picture and bought some souvenirs
form there. My third trip was to see
Niagara Falls. It was a long journey from New York City. It took us almost 8
hours to reach at Niagara Falls. When we reached there it was 1:00 am. We took
a hotel for that night and in the morning we went to see Niagara Falls. I was
totally astonished to view one of the wonders of the Nature. We took a boat
ride, which took us at the bottom of the falls. They gave raincoats to all the
passengers since people got wet from the force of the water. I wish I
were a poet to give you the description of that scene. Since I am not a poet I
cannot describe that beauty properly but all I can say that it was
indescribable. I felt very lucky to observe that beauty. My last trip was to some place called ³Bear mountain². It was a picnic
spot and we went to do family picnic. It was really a beautiful place for a
picnic. There was a huge lake and lots of boat to take a ride. We took a boat
and spent some time in the lake. I really enjoyed there since it was a very
nice combination of the Nature and the warmth of my family members.
Finally the day came to leave New
York and return to Sanjose2. Although it was only a two weeks vacation but
it put a great effects in my life. That trip will be an always live in my
memory.
530 words, 2 paragraphs. This is extremely excessive. The directions state ³150-175 words.² Although you clearly had a fun trip and you wrote many good sentences, you did not pay attention to the criteria of this assignment. Posted 2:30 AM Oct 4, 2004.
12
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Paragraphs posted after 11 pm Sat
Sep 25, 2004 are considered late. Scores are given; however, comments and
corrections are not.
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Date: Sat Sep 25 2004 11:31 pm
Author: Quach, Huong Ngoc <huongquach82@yahoo.com>
Subject: The trip to San Francisco23
Last month, my friends and I went to San Francisco, a famous city with a lot of tourist attractions and beautiful sight-seeings.1We were impressed by the crowd, noise, busyness of San Francisco. There were a lot of traffic jam at that time so we decided to find a parking lot and walked around the city. First, we went to the Fisherman's Wharf. It was very crowded here. There were a lot of gift shops for those who want to buy some souvernir2 for themselves or their friends. We went around the pier 39 and saw many of lionseas sleeping and floating on the water. It was very strange, and we had never seen them in nature like that. After that, we took the cruise ship to enjoy the beauty and imposingness of the Golden Gate Bridge. The ship went around the brigde2 and the former prison in a small island and came back the pier. On the ship, we were not only enjoyed the beauty of the bridge but also the whole sight of San Francisco and sea air. We all felt very comfortable and please. Left the pier, we went toward the China Town2,1and on the way to get there, we also visited a lot of sea museums a long the street. There were plenty of high building, commercial area, varying the means of transportation in the city. It made us confused for a while when getting the way to go there. Finanlly2, we could arrive at China town2, with once or twice we got the wrong way. We all felt very hungry, thirsty and tired after a long travel on the foot. We early found a Chinese restaurant in the town and ordered a lot of food. None of us talked to each other, we just focused to finish our foods. After leaving the restaurant, we stopped by a gift shop to buy some postcards and gift for our friends and families. Our trip was interesting, funny and unforgetable2. we were all tired but happy and satisfied.
Late[404]. 339 words. This is three times the word limit. You wrote very good sentences, but you did not heed all of the criteria of the assignment. Posted 2:30 AM Oct 4, 2004.
13
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Date: Sun Sep 26 2004 12:11 pm
Author: Enomoto, Maria
Teresa <mariteremor73@hotmail.com>
Subject: My trip to Europe23
I traveled to Europe in August
1999 with three of my best friends. We decided to travel on our first vacations
after we had worked in the same office for a year. Choosing the countries for
our tour was hard because we wanted to know them all, but finally we decided to
visit Spain, France, Italy, and Sweden. Getting the stuff ready for our trip
took us a lot of time. We began to prepare the documents we needed for the
trip, such as airplane and train tickets, hotel reservations, passport renewal,
visas, and traveler insurance, a month earlier. While we were preparing this
documentation, we were thinking about all the things that we were going to
experience. When we arrived to Madrid, our first stop, we were so excited and tired
after flying 10 hours in the plane. We met lot of people, and learned a lot
about European culture and history. We were fascinated with all the historic
places, art museums and the food. We spent the best time we have had in our
whole life, and I think that better than our photos, are the memories in our
minds.
192 words Exceeds word limit. The topic sentence needs a controlling idea.200 Late.404. Generally well-written.
16
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Date: Sun Sep 26 2004 6:34 pm
Author: Tran, Phong Thanh <typf142@yahoo.com>
Subject: What you did in order to get a job
Since I have been in the United States for one and half of years, I know that looking for a job at any company at this time is a problem because of going down of economy in the United States. However, fortunately, I got a job at an airport as an aircraft fueller position even though my English abilities were not good at the time I went for an interview. By the time I had a job, searching on the newspapers and asking somewhere by myself really had made me tired and depressed till an old man who was working for Catholic Charities shew2 me an opening job an airport. On the day before the interview day, I tried to communicate with a close friend about the questions that I would be probably interviewed. Eventually, I was accepted to be working after being asked and interviewed in half an hour. In summary, kept asking and finding as many places as possible helped me much in order to get a job.
170 words. The topic sentence needs a controlling idea.200 Late.404. The sentence structure is generally good; the ideas are understandable. Posted 2:30 AM Oct 4, 2004.
16
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Date: Tue Sep 28 2004 10:55 am
Author: Loi, My <my_loi@wvmccd.cc.ca.us>
Subject: Double the Troubles
For the past three months, every
morning, my sixteen years old twin-nieces were constantly reminding me when I
was young and irresponsible reckless teenage-driver. My nightmare began
in the morning after I let them drive and I sat helplessly at the passenger
seat coaching them. Each morning, I got a different driver and got a
different pre-trail of heart attack. First day on the road were memorable one
for each of them because either they forgot to turn off the signal after they
have changed lane or forgot to turn it on. They have stopped in the
intersection a couple times during morning traffic hour or have run the red
light when they do not want to get stuck in the middle of the
intersection. They have passed theirs on the road exams last week.
I will try my best not offer coaching them on the freeway in the future
because I think that someone in the family will volunteer fulfill their wish
but not me. I have done my duties and commitment and suffered enough in
the past three months.
181 words. Long. The topic sentence misleads us into anticipating a paragraph about your reckless youth. Revise it to focus on your niecesı driving habits since thatıs what you describe in the body of the paragraph. 200 Errors include verb tense, adj, word choice. Late.404. Posted 2:30 AM Oct 4, 2004.
14
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Date: Tue Sep 28 2004 11:11 pm
Author: Hassan, Mohamed <mhassan49@hotmail.com>
Subject: Removed from Job
My roomate23 was a security officer. He was
assigned to work an apartment complex near by Great Mall for a night shift. one
of the bigest23 problem that he had was communication. When the
customers talk to him, he couldn't understand what they said. The worst thing
was when they told him to communicate with the customers by radio.
Although he worked as hard as he could to make them happy, the tenant were
still complaining from him a lot. In addition, He was found sleeping at
work, so he recieved23 a warning. He dicided23 to change his way and do his job properly. Even
though he tried to stay awake all night, it was hard for him to do that because
he was going to school during the daytime and working at night. Finaly23, he had been cough sleeping at work again by
the manager, and he - manager-immediately removed him from the job. So he
worried that he might not find another job because he had not had any
experience and his communication skills were really bad, but luckly 23he has been hired another security company and
now he is working a swing shift and doing well both his study and work.
204 words. Exceeds word limit. The paragraph lacks a topic sentence with a controlling idea. 200 What is the purpose of this paragraph? You should probably focus on the problem of communication in English, not on your roommateıs jobs. In the body, include only those details that support the TS. Posted 2:30 AM Oct 4, 2004.
14
[1] Put a space after a comma, period, question mark and exclamation mark. Do not put a space before any of these punctuation marks.
[2] sp
[3] Do you mean The name of this mountain, xxxx, means ³A mountain
[4] ww Reason + thus + result. The previous sentence and this one donıt seem logically connected as reason-result. How about in fact or indeed?
[5] wf: winding
[6] Is there rain or mist to cause a rainbow? It doesnıt seem so.
[7] wf: poss: the sunıs rays
[8] sg ok. Pl?
[9] Improper compounding. Yes, the water allowed your to see the fish, but not the beaches.
[10] adj = pp
[11] waded? Body surfed? Paddled on a raft or boat?
[12] Snack shack? Small restaurant?
[13] Use sg
[14] I hope I can (fut poss cond)
[15] wf: attendees= people who participate in a meeting. Compare: attendants= people who attend or wait on others.
[16] Use a comma before a nonrestrictive relative clause. Reference http://www.sil.org/linguistics/GlossaryOfLinguisticTerms/WhatIsANonrestrictiveRelativeC.htm
[17] pres. It still is light and thin, isnıt it?
[18] ncn
[19] Use a comma after the IC in a compound sentence.
[20] tns: pres prog
[21] tns: pres. This is a current expectation, not a past one.
[22] tns: pres perf prog.. Not past perf prog. They are still working on it
[23] Capitalize all important words (n, v, adj, adv) in a title the first letter. Donıt use a period.
[24] Use a comma before an appositive phrase. Reference http://cctc.commnet.edu/grammar/phrases.htm#appositive
[25] Use a comma after a DC in a complex sentence.
[26] omit. To get permission.
[27] wf: early OR earlier than usual. A comparative needs to be used in comparison to something.
[28] Do you mean a few (positive, several), or few (negative, not many)?
[29] This verb needs a subj.
[30] omit
[31] the
[32] omit
[33] no quotation marks
[34] an + cn
[35] the
[36] tns: past. Can you use an action verb instead of this non-action verb?
[37] Specify the destination
[38] wf: overseas
[39] prep: trip in Germany but went to Germany.
[40] Spell numbers one through ten.
[41] This sentence structure is correct; however, you could add the idea to the first: to attend exhibition.
[42] To avoid redundancy, write: my honeymoon in Hawaii.
[43] IO: me
[44] an or the
[45] Specify.
[46] The houses in which I stayed (Is it necessary to mention the word city, which you do not specify?)
[47] ww: built of material
[48] the N1 of/in N2: the houses in my country. Use possessive for animate, not inanimate nouns: Eunsookıs house.
[49] thought about
[50] omit
[51] not
[52] a simple ³Yes.²
[53] You never mentioned that you didnıt know how to speak English. You ought to mention this earlier in the paragraph.
[54] This is confusing. When did you give it up on your trip? Probably not.
[55] wf: make + object + base form
[56] wo: S + V in an embedded noun clause.
[57] Punc: Use a comma after an introductory phrase/clause, especially to disassociate it with the series of nouns you have in the compound subject.
[58] ww: in
[59] wo: a trip of two nights and three days.
[60] comma
[61] Replace by going to with in.
[62] the + superlative
[63] Punc: see earlier comment.
[64] tns: past perf
[65] The paragraph is too long, and this info is not relevant to Las Vegas.
[66] wordy. refresh my life.
[67] the
[68] tns: simple past
[69] Do all of you have one stomach together or separate stomachs?
[70] tns: past
[71] Do not use a comma between two items in a series.
[72] sent struc: I found hotels since the last time I visited three years ago.
[73] filled with people
[74] ncn
[75] ww: brief
[76] ww: into
[77] Cap: Capitalize the first letter of proper nouns.
[78] Punc: Do not use a comma between two items in a series.
[79] ww: the next day. Omit. Obviously you slept until the next day.
[80] Do you want to emphasize that you control your husband?
[81] Punc: Do not use a comma between two items in a series.
[82] Omit the prep unless it has an object.
[83] ww: ³joined to go² has no meaning. Use simple past went
[84] to let that ruin
[85] ww: reminded? Iım not sure what your intention is.
[86] ww: a
[87] of
[88] characters. I included
[89] their
[90] punc: comma
[91] ww: appearance (looks is informal, appearance is formal)
[92] pl?
[93] sg
[94] ww: described? I donıt see any reason to shift from active to passive voice in this sentence.
[95] wf: adv
[96] a
[97] Active voice is more powerful.
[98] sv: Donıt use a comparative adjective/adv unless you compare two things.
[99] ww?
[100] modification: a story of pages
[101] modification: a poem of lines.
[102] passive: fascinated by
[103] ww: during
[104] last?
[105] Alone? We?
[106] modification: a two-hour ferry ride
[107] modification: a city whose museums and flower gardens attract many tourists
[108] pron: everything
[109] wf: simple past looked
[110] omit. to look + adj (e.g., looked real)
[111] the
[112] pl. thousands of
[113] pl
[114] The Butchart Gardens are not in Vancouver. They are in Victoria. http://www.victorialodging.com/butchart/
[115] ww? a combination of what and what?
[116] a time
[117] Only for this reason? Wasnıt it wonderful for other reasons? Besides, Vancouver is not a tropical place; without an explanation, this is misleading.
[118] past prog
[119] reason + so + result. I was attracted., so I went back?
[120]
future possible: I hope I can
go. Present unreal/hypothetical/improbable:
I wish I could go
[121] wf: teaching assistant (or teacherıs assistant)
[122] I donıt understand the meaning of the second sentence.
[123] ww: after?
[124] later than what? after what? in comparison to what event?
[125] simp. past tns.
[126] Omit this vague word or replace it with a specific word.
[127] ww: went
[128] ww: studied
[129] discuss = VT. What did you discuss?
[130] Which/Whose? The teacherıs? Yours?
[131] What does this mean: having classes that skill?
[132] ww: you cannot learn an education. You can learn information, facts. You can gain experience and develop skills. You can receive an education.
[133] ww: would not have been able
[134] ww: extra money, pocket money
[135] A title is usually a noun phrase. Revise this.
[136]
What is the purpose of this phrase? How is it supposed to function in the
sentence? Do you mean to use a DC: When I looked for a job,?
[137] Are you writing about a hypothetical situation with would have? Why donıt you use simple past tense?
[138] ww: draft
[139] wo
[140] ww: helped me write/create/develop
[141] wf: adj
[142] This is not about the past. Stick to the past time frame.
[143] attract = vt
[144] This clause lacks parallelism. Rewrite it with the previous comments in mind.
[145] Where did this phrase come from? Iıve never heard it, and I doubt it has any meaning.
[146] You mean it magically changed by itself?! Didnıt you change it?
[147] art + sg cn
[148] det
[149] wf: Change this to a verb.
[150] ww: an employer
[151] wf: gerunds. These are all VT. What did you edit and modify?
[152] omit
[153] wf: prep + ger
[154] Use an action verb.
[155] Homework is not an acceptable title. This gives the reader no idea at all what the essay is about. Revise it with the content in mind.
[156] You evidently copied and pasted the entire Word document. Do not include these pieces of identification when you post to the Discussion Board. Your name appears as the author, and all students are in the ESL970G class. Just type (or paste) the paragraph in the body of the message, as stated in the directions.
[157] Do not ask the readers this question. This is a question to provoke your writing creativity. One possibility is to transform this question into a noun phrase to use as a title.
[158] tns: simp pres
[159] The DC in this sentence does not seem to add any meaning; omit it.
[160] ww: very . Or use so (adj) that + result.
[161] ww: taking
[162] ww: passed
[163] ww: on my third attempt.
[164]
I donıt understand the purpose of this phrase. How about: While I was behind
the wheel
[165] ww: declared
[166] omit
[167] ww: had (non-action), demonstrated (action)
[168] by + sg cn
[169] wf: adj -ing
[170] Do not hyphenate adj and n. Use one adj
[171] ww: steer
[172] tns: pres. Better: omit this IC.
[173] ww: ??
[174] ww: ?? A Boring Tour?
[175] Donıt repeat the title in the body.
[176] pronoun reference: What does it refer to? There is no noun before it to act as a referent for this pronoun.
[177] ww: joined
[178] Combine the ideas in the first two clauses into one sentence.
[179] colloq.
[180] viewpoints planning =?
[181] dreaming imagination =?
[182] This sentence is long and convoluted. I cannot understand what the main point is. What is your intention? Restate it in two sentences.
[183] wf: active, not passive voice.
[184] tns: simple past
[185] ww: a store? a shopping mall?
[186] wf: the biggest casino
[187] ww: journey.
[188] Move this prep phr to the beginning of the sentence.
[189] ww: Replace this vague word with a specific one.
[190] wf: tour bus
[191] ww: broke down
[192] ww: itinerary
[193] ww: was
[194] sva
[195] wf: inf
[196] ww: definitely did not.
[197] ww: wanted, yearned
[198] adj + n
[199] ref?
[200] Resources for topic sentences:
http://www.english.ttu.edu/uwc/topicsen.html
http://webster.commnet.edu/grammar/paragraphs.htm
http://english.glendale.cc.ca.us/topic.html
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/general/gl_pgrph2.html
http://www.uottawa.ca/academic/arts/writcent/hypergrammar/partopic.html
[201] wo: Always put I last.
[202] det
[203] Omit the BE verb and leave the pp as an adj.
[204] ww: in a country/state/city
[205] ww: South Vietnam
[206] tns: until now or until that moment in the past?
[207] wf: pl cn
[208] wf: v
[209] pl cn (unless there was only one change!)
[210] ww: See above.
[211] Did this though occur before or when you arrived?
[212] ww: What do you mean? Children grow up; buildings cannot. Almost?
[213] ww: People cannot be crowded; places can.
[214] Logic: took suitcasesin a taxi
[215] What is the meaning of this IC?
[216] would be fun and interesting
[217] Never use these two words together. What is the intent of this clause?
[218] a/an+ sg cn
[219] ww: whose
[220] tns: past perf
[221] tns: simp past
[222] Omit this S-V.
[223] ww: get into an
[224] tns
[225] Wording: ESL970G is the second online class I have taken. (9 words)
[226] ww: that
[227] ww: prepare me for class
[228] This phrase seems unnecessary and perhaps misleading; is there an opposite to adapting?
[229] one word
[230] Omit the period
[231] the final (no italics)
[232] wf: wrote (no reason to emphasize did for nobody doubts it)
[233] At the second orientation meeting, I passed around a disk with studentsı paragraphs for students to copy onto their own disks or email to themselves; apparently you missed that opportunity.
[234] For academic writing, use precise words, not vague informal language: the assignments of week 1
[235] This wording is a bit confusing. Is it important to support the main idea? Is it about the past or the present?
[236] adapt = vi (no obj)
[237] pron reference. Who does we refer to? A pronoun must refer to a previously stated noun.
[238] ww: last
[239] improper modification and sva: Hawaii, which has
[240] ww: scenery
[241] modification and ww: which attracts
[242] omit this prep phr.
[243] ww: went there. came here.
[244] Analyze the nouns: cn/ncn? sg/pl?
[245] Never use trailing dots in an academic paragraph.
[248] vi for us to welcome = we were supposed to welcome them NOT! hosts from the hotel welcomed us with the Hawaiian greeting ³Aloha.²
[249] ww: lei
[250] ww
[251] no cap for a common n
[252] Omit prep phr
[253] ww
[254] ww
[255] vt + DO
[256] omit
[257] ww
[258] splashing?
[259] these are contrary actions.
[260] ww
[261] modification: days cannot work hard
[262] wf -ing
[263] omit
[264] Donıt use a prep + adv phr
[265] wf
[266] a/an + sg cn
[267] Begin each sentence with a capital letter.
[268] a driverıs license (or a driver license)
[269] must do a few things (vague but grammatically better than the original wording) /must complete certain procedures / must demonstrate a few competencies
[270] ww: made an appointment
[271] inf of purpose
[272] cs
[273] wf: adv
[274] Start a new sentence instead of using two semicolons.
[275] ww: on day
[276] imprecise: an applicant has
[277] cs
[278] vt
[279] before learning to drive
[280] ww
[281] was to learn to
[282] omit
[283] omit
[284] omit
[285] tns
[286] vt
[287] vt
[288] ww
[289] This conclusion is not about a past event. Stay within the past time frame.
[290] ww: Trip to
[291] No the with most place names. Refer to Ch 9 and http://www.gsu.edu/%7Eeslhpb/aegweb/exercises/x9/x9-A/the_proper_names.htm
[292] the is used to refer to a previously mentioned or understood noun. What ticket?
[293] same as sent 1.
[294] tns
[295] ww: S+ V: there was a
[296] took
[297] the
[298] cap
[299] wo. Place this adv before the n phr it modifies.
[300] a
[301] Hmm. How can a mark stand?! Omit this.
[302] omit
[303] Donıt use progressive with stative (non-action) verbs. Simple past.
[304] wf: info
[305] wf: adv
[306] pl cn
[307] past prog
[308] lightweight?
[309] Did all of you wear only one jacket?! pl cn
[310] later than what?
[311]
Shorten: village 40 miles (if you use the relative clause, keep the story in
the past: which was)
[312] omit
[313] omit comma
[314] ww: At that time, I realized
[315] fit = vt (S + VT + O)
[316]
Nobody was mentioned but singular ³I². Therefore ³us² has no referent. Use a
noun, such as 64 escapees.
[317] However is an Illogical connector for these two sentences. The size of the boat and the lack of option are not in contrast to each other. ³Too small² and ³no option² are in contrast. Rearrange the information.
[318] wf: past perf.
[319]
ww: Being frightened = because I was frightened. Illogical. Show contrast: Even though I was frightened/Despite my fear.
[320] At some point, you should tell the readers your age so that we can imagine the situation better probably early in your story,
[321]
ww: keep quiet. Compare keep
our mouths shut.
[322] wf: no matter what happened.
[323] ww: left/departed. Compare started to leave (but did not succeed).
[324] modification: the open sea at Vung Tau.
[325] ww: arrived at/entered
[326] one word
[327] the
[328] omit
[329] ww: got married (to get, simple past)
[330] ww: go on
[331] vt
[332] ww: on
[333] unnecessary cl
[334] ww: on the
[335] of what country?
[336] Combine the ideas in these sentences.
[337] wf: adv
[338] ww² om
[339] Omit this transition; the next clause explains but does not contradict the first clause.
[340] ww: near
[341] For these simple actions that nearly co-occur, the use of simple past is preferable.
[342] I doubt that you knew the food would be delicious at all of the restaurants, so this restrictive adjective clause, though grammatically correct, is not quite logical. and discovered that they all served delicious food.
[343] tns, vi: talked to
[344] punc
[345] Use an action, not a stative (non-action) verb phr: got to know/became acquainted with.
[346] wf: passive = BE + pp
[347] each/every + sg cn
[348] Omit. RE= back
[349] sg or pl?
[350] wf: constituents
[351] ww: exploding firecrackers?
[352] ww: Early in the morning
[353] ww: in? into what place?
[354] What does this IC mean?
[355] ww: assist/help (a person/people), not a place
[356] the USA
[357] Omit. Take (a vehicle) to (a place)
[358] ww: go out
[359] ww: give me a ride/ drive me.
[360] modification: a person who is like a bird that (rel adj cl)
[361] ww: inconveniences
[362] wf: adj
[363] ww: an ad in a
[364] ww: fight against
[365] wf: n
[366] ww: action verb
[367] tns: pres. perf. prog.s
[368]
to what place? Omit Paragraph
[369] ww: at
[370] punc: IC DC.
[371] and?
[372] ww: of
[373] wf: ger
[374] other
[375] tns: Do you mean until now (pres perf) or until that trip (past perf)?
[376] wf: poss
[377] ww: Heavenly Valley
[378] ww: action verb
[379] punc: IC, cc IC.
[380] ro
[381] subj?
[382] The second
[383] tns: by (time) + S + past perf
[384] wf: in total chaos or totally chaotic
[385] ww: collected
[386] reason + so + result. What causes you to reach the conclusion that it is complicated?
[387] Restrictive adj cl modification: positions that
[388] Restrictive adj cl modification: n (jobs/positions) that
[389] ww: a chance
[390] Who? the reader or your brother? tns
[391] Simplify: he sent
[392] ww: a letter? an application form?
[393] Was he invited for a personal interview?
[394] ww: interview
[395] Simplify: he called
[396] Restrictive adj cl modification: firms that
[397] inc: to what?
[398] ww: apply
[399] which day? the day of an interview?
[400] ww. In this culture, only women wear dresses.
[401] ww: I doubt that companies require particular clothes.
[402]
ww: if he applied for many jobs, he finally got one of them: a job. If he applied for one job, he finally got the
job.
[403] to what destination?
[404] Paragraphs posted after 11 pm Sat Sep 25, 2004 are considered late. Scores are given; however, comments and corrections are not.