Marsha Chanπs ESL 970G Advanced Grammar and Editing Spring 2005 Syllabus Blackboard

Week 4 Writing Assignment: Paragraph in the past time frame

Due date: 11 pm Sat Feb 26

Click NEW THREAD to post your paragraph. In the Subject Line, type your paragraph title. In the message body, type or copy your paragraph of 150-175 words. You must use different action verbs in the past time frame. Refer to the different verb forms in Chapter 2 and the academic vocabulary from Ch 1 online. Use at least one of each sentence type, in any order: simple, compound, complex, and compound-complex. Pay attention to verb tenses and verb forms. For topic suggestions, see the syllabus.

Overall Evaluation Notes

A successfully written paragraph describes a situation or set of actions in the past time frame in a unified, coherent, logical and comprehensible way. It starts with a clear topic sentence with a controlling idea, continues with some descriptive details, and ends with a concluding statement. The paragraph contains a variety of sentence types (simple, compound, complex, compound-complex). The sentences are error-free or contain minor errors. The writer uses a variety of well-selected verbs to describe or explain actions or conditions that occurred in the past. The paragraph is written in an academic and/or professional tone. It meets the word length criterion of 150 to 175 words. Through proper word choice and sentence structure, the paragraph enables the reader to visualize the past time actions and conditions easily and vividly.

Less successful paragraphs may have errors of the following types, alone or in combination:

∑ The purpose of the paragraph is unclear or incorrect.

∑ The paragraph tells the reader what to do, what happens, or what will or may happen instead of describing actions and conditions in the past time frame.

∑ Ideas are expressed unclearly, ambiguously or illogically.

∑ The paragraph reads like a conversation, an advertisement, an email message, or a personal journal entry instead of an academic piece of writing.

∑ The paragraph contains short simple sentences with elementary vocabulary.

∑ The sentences lack variety and sophistication in type and word choice.

∑ The sentences overuse simple common verbs such as BE (is, are), HAVE, and DO.

∑ The writer did not edit the sentences for the most serious errors (fragments, verbs, agreement, run-ons or comma splices).

∑ The writer did not edit the sentences for the intermediate errors (parallelism, word order, word choice, word form, articles).

∑ The paragraph contains many mechanical errors (punctuation, capitalization, and spelling)

Click here to view the Correction Symbols.

Each paragraph was analyzed with WebVP to reveal the scope and type of vocabulary used in the paragraph. Words from the Academic Word List (AWL) are yellow. K2 words (the second thousand words of English) are green. K1 words (the most basic 1,000 words of English) are blue. Other words are red. The first 2000+ words of English are found on the General Service list (GSL).

Click on a title to jump to the associated paragraph.

Company Culture
How to Get a New Job
Fun in Las Vegas
Business Trip to Silicon Valley
My Arrival in the U.S.

My Brother-in-law
What I Did to Get a Job
My Escape Trip From Vietnam-
Thailand
Forget it not

AEG Chapter 2 Verbs in the Past Time Frame

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Forum: AEG Chapter 2 Verbs in the Past Time Frame

Date: 03-11-2005 13:16

Author: AULAKH, GURINDER <student@.com>

1. Subject Company Culture

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A few years ago, I worked for a company in which the pace of work was hectic. The management had created a stressful environment because of a mistaken belief that a comfortable speed of work translated into lethargic employees[1] which meant reduced profit. It led to a higher incidence of accidents and a lower rate of employee retention; the management was able to get away with it because [2]economy was slow and no jobs were available. And then the "technology bubble[3] came upon the scene[4]:[5] we were losing employees almost daily; there were accidents every week. Finally, it dawned upon the management that the culture was due for a change; but, by that time, it was too little, too late.

Families Types Tokens Percent

First 500: ... ... (86) (71.67%)

K1 Words (1 to 1000): 54 57 95 79.17%

Function: ... ... (60) (50.00%)

Content: ... ... (35) (29.17%)

K2 Words (1001 to 2000): 6 6 9 7.50%

AWL Words (academic): 11 11 11 9.17%

Off-List Words: ? 5 5 4.17%

71+? 79 120 100%

Words in text (tokens): 120

Different words (types): 79

Type-token ratio: 0.66

(Tokens per type: 1.52)

Function-content ratio: 0.50

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Onlist Tokens: 115

Onlist Types: 74

Onlist Type-Token: 0.64

Onlist Families: 71

Onlist Family/token: 0.62

Onlist Family/type: 0.96

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Output text: A few years ago I worked for a company in which the pace of work was hectic The management had created a stressful environment because of a mistaken belief that a comfortable speed of work translated into lethargic employees which meant reduced profit It led to a higher incidence of accidents and a lower rate of employee retention the management was able to get away with it because economy was slow and no jobs were available And then the technology bubble came upon the scene we were losing employees almost daily there were accidents every week Finally it dawned upon the management that the culture was due for a change but by that time it was too little too late

Ssssss,

This is a timely topic related to our local environment. The paragraph is unified, coherent, and descriptive. The sentence structure is excellent; the paragraph contains simple, compound and complex sentences. The use of simple past, past perfect, and past progressive verbs in thhe past time frame is excellent. The vocabulary is rich and varied; the paragraph contains 11 academic words, 9.17%. The grammar is perfect except for a few small mechanical errors.

As a paragraph, this piece of writing could be perfected by a topic sentence with ideas that have overarching control over the details in the body, a few more details to bring the 120 words into the range of 150-175 words, and a final sentence that concludes or summarizes or predicts, and a tighter connection between the title and the content of the paragraph.

Marsha Chan

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Forum: AEG Chapter 2 Verbs in the Past Time Frame

Date: 02-27-2005 23:45

Author: Thai, Thanh Van <vthai@digitalimpact.com>

Subject How to Get a New Job[6] - Resubmit version

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Looking for a new job was a self-development process that required a lot of perseverance, patience and well-prepared[7]. After working in a mainframe banking system for ten years, Jackie decided to chance[8] her career into a new domain where UNIX and Oracle were the best choice[9] in Silicon Valley. Therefore, she was taking[10] those related classes[11] in[12] a community college in[13] several semesters. In addition, she logged into internet[14] daily, and [15]modified her resume to match each individual job. She had to be honest with herself; however[16], she had to adjust some skills[17] to match a job she liked, but she didnπt have enough skill for. On the other hand,[18] she called her friends for help, and contacted the recruiters regularly to have new job lists updated[19]. Finally, after several months of researching and preparing, she got her dream job[20]. Perseverance, patience and well-prepared[21] were the factors of her success.

(*) 150 words.

Thank you Ms. Chan for giving another chance.

Regards.

Families Types Tokens Percent

First 500: ... ... (100) (64.94%)

K1 Words (1 to 1000): 56 63 113 73.38%

Function: ... ... (74) (48.05%)

Content: ... ... (39) (25.32%)

K2 Words (1001 to 2000): 8 9 11 7.14%

AWL Words (academic): 12 12 16 10.39%

Off-List Words: ? 13 14 9.09%

76+? 97 154 100%

Words in text (tokens): 154

Different words (types): 97

Type-token ratio: 0.63

(Tokens per type: 1.59)

Function-content ratio: 0.48

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Onlist Tokens: 140

Onlist Types: 84

Onlist Type-Token: 0.60

Onlist Families: 76

Onlist Family/token: 0.54

Onlist Family/type: 0.90

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Output text: Looking for a new job was a self development process that required a lot of perseverance patience and well prepared After working in a mainframe banking system for ten years Jackie decided to chance her career into a new domain where UNIX and Oracle were the best choice in Silicon Valley Therefore she was taking those related classes in a community college in several semesters In addition she logged into internet daily and modified her resume to match each individual job She had to be honest with herself however she had to adjust some skills to match a job she liked but she did not have enough skill for On the other hand she called her friends for help and contacted the recruiters regularly to have new job lists updated Finally after several months of researching and preparing she got her dream job Perseverance patience and well prepared were the factors of her success

Ssssss,

This is a unified, coherent paragraph about Jackieπs job search. It starts with a good topic sentence, continues with some descriptive details, and ends with a concluding statement. The use of simple past tense is excellent. The use of past progressive is incorrect; there are no instances of past perfect or present perfect. It uses 12 academic words (10.39%) The paragraph contains simple, compound, and complex sentences. Look in your DDB to find 16 corrections and comments about word choice, modification, word form, prepositions, and parallelism. Post your revision by the due date.

Marsha Chan

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Forum: AEG Chapter 2 Verbs in the Past Time Frame

Date: 02-28-2005 08:18

Author: Pham, Linh <vedepquehuong@gmail.com>

Subject Re: Vegas here we come.[22]..172 words

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My trip to Las Vegas with my girlfriends last year was unforgettable. The six of us[23] took the evening flight[24] there on Thursday, and flew back on Sunday early afternoon.[25][26] While we were there, there were great tensions amongst our two friends.[27] Although the rest of us did not succeed in helping them reaching[28] their consensus[29], we helped them realized[30] to make[31] the best of our trip, and for this to happen they have[32] to set aside their conflict. On Friday, we went in-door skydiving and then to a show.[33] On Saturday, we drove around to explore Las Vegas. In our definition, exploring Vegas means[34] searching for shopping malls. At night, we went clubbing at the Rain, the most popular hip-hop club in town. While we were there, some cute guys were hitting on us[35]. We danced and drank into[36] early morning of the next day. We had Sunday brunch before going back[37]. We were so exhausted by the time we got back[38][39] that we could not wait to hit the bed.

Ssssss ,

This paragraph about your trip to Las Vegas is unified and coherent with a sufficient number of details about your unforgettable trip. The overall sentence structure is very good. The paragraph contains simple, compound, and complex sentences. With a couple of exceptions, past tense verbs are used correctly. There are no instances of past progressive, past perfect, or present perfect. There are errors in modification (determiners, articles, pronouns, word order) and word form. Word choice errors include wrong meaning, unclear meaning, and slang instead of academic vocabulary. Look in your DDB to find 18 corrections and comments. Post your revision by the due date.

Marsha Chan

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Forum: AEG Chapter 2 Verbs in the Past Time Frame

Date: 02-28-2005 15:20

Author: Nakamura, Kaoru <kaoru@itochu.net>

Subject My first [40]Business Trip to Silicon Vally[41]

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It[42] was my first business trip to Silicon Valley to visit Netscape Communications, Corp. in May 1995. Actually,[43] I was employed[44] as a new graduate in April 1995. It was[45] so confusing for me to understand what was going on. I hadnπt even known[46] how to exchange business cards with other people. At[47] that period, no one believed that the Internet would grow like today. The department that I belonged to, which was in charge of an Internet Technology[48], only had three people, and I was an only person who was available in the schedule[49]. Thatπs why my company[50] assigned me.[51] I remember[52] that I did a lot of funny[53] things during the business trip. For example, I was told from[54] my colleague that I had to rent a car at first[55] in U.S[56]., but I recognized[57] that I hadnπt known[58] how to rent a car when I arrived at a HERTZ counter. All the memory[59] is so embarrassing [60]but it[61] was a good experience for my business after that[62].

(170 words)

Families Types Tokens Percent

First 500: ... ... (133) (76.44%)

K1 Words (1 to 1000): 71 76 149 85.63%

Function: ... ... (99) (56.90%)

Content: ... ... (48) (27.59%)

K2 Words (1001 to 2000): 7 7 9 5.17%

AWL Words (academic): 7 7 7 4.02%

Off-List Words: ? 8 9 5.17%

85+? 98 174 100%

Words in text (tokens): 174

Different words (types): 98

Type-token ratio: 0.56

(Tokens per type: 1.78)

Function-content ratio: 0.57

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Onlist Tokens: 165

Onlist Types: 90

Onlist Type-Token: 0.55

Onlist Families: 85

Onlist Family/token: 0.52

Onlist Family/type: 0.94

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Output text: It was my first business trip to Silicon Valley to visit Netscape Communications Corp in May number Actually I was employed as a new graduate in April number It was so confusing for me to understand what was going on I had not even known how to exchange business cards with other people At that period no one believed that the Internet would grow like today The department that I belonged to which was in charge of an Internet Technology only had three people and I was an only person who was available in the schedule That is why my company assigned me I remember that I did a lot of funny things during the business trip For example I was told from my colleague that I had to rent a car at first in U S but I recognized that I had not known how to rent a car when I arrived at a HERTZ counter All the memory is so embarrassing but it was a good experience for my business after that

Ssssss,

Your first business trip to Netscape Communications made a deep impression on you. The paragraph contains simple, compound, and complex sentences. It contains 7 academic words, 4 percent of the paragraph. uses simple past accurately, past perfect inaccurately, and does not contain past progressive or present perfect. It contains lots of details ≠ too many different ones. If you write an essay, you can describe many aspects of your trip. For a short paragraph, however, you should choose one particular aspect of this trip. Currently, the paragraph is a mixture of unconnected ideas (e.g., new graduate ≠ growth of the Internet ≠ renting a car). This makes it difficult for the reader to find a focus. Start your paragraph with a topic and a controlling idea; the topic sentence should give the reader a clear focus (e.g., several embarrassing things that happened on your first trip). Then continue with details that support the topic sentence, and finalize the paragraph with a conclusion or summary. This will make your paragraph unified (focused on one topic) and coherent (logically consistent as a whole). In your DDB, you will find 23 detailed corrections and comments. Study them for the grammar and meaning, but donπt simply correct the errors in your first draft. Instead, rewrite the paragraph content and try to apply the comments to your new draft. Post your revision by the due date.

Marsha Chan

REVISION

Forum: AEG Chapter 2 Verbs in the Past Time Frame

Date: 03-13-2005 22:19

Author: Nakamura, Kaoru <kaoru@itochu.net>

Subject Revised: Several obstacles to visit the branch office[63]

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I experienced several perplexed [64]obstacles on my first business trip to the branch office in U.S. The first obstacle that I experienced was a long line of people. When I arrived at the airport, the HERTZ counter was so crowded that I had to wait for an hour. At that time, I had not learned that I didnπt have to wait if I made[65] a reservation prior to visiting. The second obstacle was driving direction. I had the address of the office, but I didnπt know how to get there. Again, I spent 20 minutes to receive[66] a map. The third obstacle was a traffic jam. After I started driving, the freeway was getting[67] very crowded. I was so exhausted when I arrived at the address where the branch office should be. However, it was not there. Finally, I learned that the street had the same number both on the west side and the east side. The address I arrived was the west side, but actually the office was on the east side. (173)

Kaoru,

You did an excellent job of following my advice and corrections. This revised paragraph is so much better than the first!

Marsha Chan

+10

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Forum: AEG Chapter 2 Verbs in the Past Time Frame

Date: 02-28-2005 19:20

Author: Vu, Duy <duy_vu2001@yahoo.com>

Subject Unforgettable memory[68]

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I came to the United States in 2002, but before I came here, I did not know English much[69]. New country[70] was strange to me, but now I feel comfortable.[71] I remember that[72] I got lost from my family[73] in the airport; nevertheless[74], I found them after haft an hour later[75] with securityπs help[76]. When I and my family[77] were moving several packages out of the terminal, we mistook to let[78] the[79] porters carried[80] those packages. After that, the porters charged me 20 dollars for fee[81] even though those packages were not heavy at all. When I got home, my uncle told me thatπs[82] possible charges, because I and the porters[83] misunderstood to[84] each other.[85] Next[86] day, I woke up energetically[87], took a shower, ate breakfast and went out with my cousin. I could not image[88] how amazing the United States is[89]. For example, people traffic, vehicles and so on[90]. Now everything is still attractive me, and I can not[91] forget it. [92]

Families Types Tokens Percent

First 500: ... ... (127) (77.91%)

K1 Words (1 to 1000): 76 83 137 84.05%

Function: ... ... (85) (52.15%)

Content: ... ... (52) (31.90%)

K2 Words (1001 to 2000): 8 8 10 6.13%

AWL Words (academic): 7 7 7 4.29%

Off-List Words: ? 7 9 5.52%

91+? 105 163 100%

Words in text (tokens): 163

Different words (types): 105

Type-token ratio: 0.64

(Tokens per type: 1.55)

Function-content ratio: 0.52

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Onlist Tokens: 154

Onlist Types: 98

Onlist Type-Token: 0.64

Onlist Families: 91

Onlist Family/token: 0.59

Onlist Family/type: 0.93

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Output text: I came to the United States in number but before I came here I did not know English much New country was strange to me but now I feel comfortable I remember that I got lost from my family in the airport nevertheless I found them after haft an hour later with security help When I and my family were moving several packages out of the terminal we mistook to let the porters carried those packages After that the porters charged me number dollars for fee even though those packages were not heavy at all When I got home my uncle told me that is possible charges because I and the porters misunderstood to each other Next day I woke up energetically took a shower ate breakfast and went out with my cousin I could not image how amazing the United States is For example people traffic vehicles and so on Now everything is still attractive me and I can not forget it

Ssssss,

Your arrival in the United States made a deep impression on you. The paragraph contains simple, compound, and complex sentences. It contains 7 academic words, 4.29 percent of the paragraph. It uses simple past and past progressive but no past perfect or present perfect. It contains lots of details ≠ too many contrasting ones. Choose one particular aspect of your arrival; for example, focus on the unexpected things that happened, or on the positive things that happened. There is not enough time or space in the paragraph to deal with both effectively. The first sentence needs to introduce the reader to the topic. Start your paragraph with a topic and a controlling idea; the topic sentence should give the reader a clear focus. Then continue with details that support the topic sentence, and finalize the paragraph with a conclusion or summary. This will make your paragraph unified (focused on one topic) and coherent (logically consistent as a whole). In your DDB, you will find 25 detailed corrections and comments. Study them for the grammar and meaning, but donπt simply correct the errors in your first draft. Instead, rewrite the paragraph content and try to apply the comments to your new draft. Post your revision by the due date.

Marsha Chan

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Forum: AEG Chapter 2 Verbs in the Past Time Frame

Date: 02-28-2005 23:11

Author: Teferi, Tigray <tigrayteferi@yahoo.com>

Subject Eassy[93] in the past time frame[94]

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The person I admired the most.[95]

most[96] of the time, people are admired for their positive and strong commitments to accomplishing something. Our world has so many admirable people, like mother[97] Teressa[98] who worked hard in helping children and albert[99] einstins[100], who was a very good physicist. Similarly, I truly admired my late brother-in-law for his hard work, behavior[101].

My late brother in-law[102] was a very good architect. as[103] an architect he made many plans to build new houses. He worked in one company until he passed away. He worked very hard to improve the company he worked for by putting in many hours[104]. In addition to that, my late brother-in-law always took care of the plants in the backyards and around the house.

In conclusion :[105] their[106] are so many[107] to admired[108] in this world. like[109] that[110], i[111] truly admired my late brother in-law for his wonderful personality.

Families Types Tokens Percent

First 500: ... ... (113) (76.35%)

K1 Words (1 to 1000): 56 63 128 86.49%

Function: ... ... (70) (47.30%)

Content: ... ... (58) (39.19%)

K2 Words (1001 to 2000): 3 4 7 4.73%

AWL Words (academic): 4 4 4 2.70%

Off-List Words: ? 8 9 6.08%

63+? 79 148 100%

Words in text (tokens): 148

Different words (types): 79

Type-token ratio: 0.53

(Tokens per type: 1.87)

Function-content ratio: 0.47

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Onlist Tokens: 139

Onlist Types: 71

Onlist Type-Token: 0.51

Onlist Families: 63

Onlist Family/token: 0.45

Onlist Family/type: 0.89

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Output text: most of the time people are admired for their positive and strong commitments to accomplishing something Our world has so many admirable people like mother Teressa who worked hard in helping children and albert einstins who was a very good physicist Similarly I truly admired my late brother in law for his hard work behavior My late brother in law was a very good architect as an architect he made many plans to build new houses He worked in one company until he passed away He worked very hard to improve the company he worked for by putting in many hours In addition to that my late brother in law always took care of the plants in the backyards and around the house In conclusion their are so many to admired in this world like that i truly admired my late brother in law

Ssssss,

You admired your brother-in-law. The topic is something you are familiar with. What is his name? Is your brother-in-lawπs work, behavior and attitude comparable to that of Mother Teresa. the peacemaker, pioneer, and legend? http://www.ewtn.com/motherteresa/ or Albert Einstein, the highly intellectual and pre-eminent scientist? http://www.time.com/time/time100/poc/magazine/albert_einstein5a.html

If so, this paragraph contains insufficient details to convince the reader of such high status. If your brother-in-law is an ordinary person whom you admire (still) or admired (in the past but not anymore), omit the comparison to great and famous people and concentrate on your brother-in-lawπs attributes. You were instructed to write one paragraph of 150-175 words. However, you wrote three paragraphs of only 143 words. The paragraph contains simple and complex sentences that are well-formed, but it has no compound sentences. It uses simple past tense verbs correctly, but it uses no past progressive, past perfect, or present perfect verbs. There are only five academic words, 2.7% of the whole paragraph.

EDIT Give more specific details about his work and behaviors.

Revise the paragraph by 11PM March 14 for a chance to improve your score by up to 10 points. Start with a good topic sentence that contains a controlling idea. Continue with descriptive details using action verbs and academic vocabulary, different verb tenses and three sentence types . End the paragraph with a concluding or summary statement. Edit out the errors in capitalization and spelling. Then it will be good!

Marsha Chan

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Forum: AEG Chapter 2 Verbs in the Past Time Frame

Date: 02-28-2005 21:46

Author: Cho, Eun Jung <eunjungcho@naver.com>

Subject What I did to get a job[112]

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It[113] was already 10 years ago. Usually the university student[114] tried to get a job before his[115] graduation. I was not the exception[116]. Fot[117] that[118], I needed some preparation from very begining[119] of my university life. The field I liked[120] to join[121] was international business;[122] so[123] the most important thing was English capability[124].;[125]I enrolled[126] the private English institute, visited US[127] for English practicing[128], studied speaking and listening of English intensively etc[129]. Secondly[130], I needed[131] some knowlege[132] to pass the exam incluing[133][134] economy, history, math, common sense etc[135]. Those[136] also[137] were not easy; I spent most of my time in the library during my senior year. Those[138] were related with the basic capality[139] for doing the job in the company, but I was required[140] the skill to catch the interviewer's mind[141]. What I did additionally was to try to make the[142] resume in good shape[143] and enough information about me, and to practice for the interview. Fortunately, I could succeed in entering one of the biggest company in my hometown thanks to those efforts.

Families Types Tokens Percent

First 500: ... ... (114) (65.52%)

K1 Words (1 to 1000): 76 83 143 82.18%

Function: ... ... (82) (47.13%)

Content: ... ... (61) (35.06%)

K2 Words (1001 to 2000): 6 7 7 4.02%

AWL Words (academic): 6 6 7 4.02%

Off-List Words: ? 16 17 9.77%

88+? 112 174 100%

Words in text (tokens): 174

Different words (types): 112

Type-token ratio: 0.64

(Tokens per type: 1.55)

Function-content ratio: 0.47

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Onlist Tokens: 157

Onlist Types: 96

Onlist Type-Token: 0.61

Onlist Families: 88

Onlist Family/token: 0.56

Onlist Family/type: 0.92

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Output text: It was already number years ago Usually the university student tried to get a job before his graduation I was not the exception Fot that I needed some preparation from very begining of my university life The field I liked to join was international business so the most important thing was English capability I enrolled the private English institute visited US for English practicing studied speaking and listening of English intensively etc Secondly I needed some knowlege to pass the exam incluing economy history math common sense etc Those also were not easy I spent most of my time in the library during my senior year Those were related with the basic capality for doing the job in the company but I was required the skill to catch the interviewer mind What I did additionally was to try to make the resume in good shape and enough information about me and to practice for the interview Fortunately I could succeed in entering one of the biggest company in my hometown thanks to those efforts

Ssssss,

You really studied hard to prepare for getting a good job. You were successful. The paragraph contains some good ideas, but revising it can make it more coherent and logical. The first sentence does not inform the reader of the topic; in fact, it makes the reader wonder ≥What is this paragraph about?≤ There are problems with pronoun reference. Use a pronoun only after you have mentioned the noun previously. (I bought a book. I read it.) The title implies that the paragraph will describe how you got a job, but most of the paragraph details are about how you studied in college. Ask yourself: Does the content of this sentence support the topic? If so, edit it so that it is grammatically correct. If not, omit it or revise it. Regarding vocabulary, I recommend that you increase your reading in English and pay attention not only to individual words, but collocations, the phrases that words are commonly used with. (collocation: An arrangement or juxtaposition of words or other elements, especially those that commonly co-occur). The paragraph contains only 6 academic words, 4 percent of the paragraph. Post your revision by the due date.

Marsha Chan

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Forum: AEG Chapter 2 Verbs in the Past Time Frame

Date: 02-26-2005 21:11

Author: Nguyen, Davis <dat_davis@yahoo.com>

Subject My Escape Trip From Vietnam

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I left Vietnam on October 20th, 1982 in a small fishing boat. When I rode to the fishing village, which is 40 miles way from Saigon city, in the afternoon, I was instructed to stay and sleep in a boat for that night. At 3.00 am in the morning I was awakened and transferred to another boat. By that time, I realized, the boat that we would use to depart, was too small to fit for 64 of us. The boat was about 10 feet wide and 25 feet long. However, I didnπt have another option since my mother already paid the organizers ahead of time. Being frightened, I stepped on the boat, and was quietly sitting in the bunker with other children. We were told to keep shut, no matter what would happen later. My boat started to leave the fishing village and sailed along the Saigon River to the VungTau open sea. When we arrived to the ocean I could see some sunlight coming through cracks in to our bunkerä

(172 words)

Forum: AEG Chapter 2 Verbs in the Past Time Frame

Date: 02-27-2005 22:37

Author: Chan, Marsha <marsha_chan@wvmccd.cc.ca.us>

Subject Re: My Escape Trip From Vietnam

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Ssssss ,

You have submitted this topic each time for the past 3-4 semesters. I am hoping that you have learned something from those times? What you submitted here is 214 words long. I suggest that you either take one small subtopic about your escape or change the topic to one that you can describe in 150-175 words. Before grading your paragraph, I will give you a chance to resubmit it by 11PM Feb 28 to fit the length criterion.

Families Types Tokens Percent

First 500: ... ... (124) (71.26%)

K1 Words (1 to 1000): 76 83 153 87.93%

Function: ... ... (85) (48.85%)

Content: ... ... (67) (38.51%)

K2 Words (1001 to 2000): 8 8 9 5.17%

AWL Words (academic): 3 3 3 1.72%

Off-List Words: ? 7 9 5.17%

87+? 101 174 100%

Words in text (tokens): 174

Different words (types): 101

Type-token ratio: 0.58

(Tokens per type: 1.72)

Function-content ratio: 0.49

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Onlist Tokens: 165

Onlist Types: 94

Onlist Type-Token: 0.57

Onlist Families: 87

Onlist Family/token: 0.53

Onlist Family/type: 0.93

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Output text: I left Vietnam on October number number in a small fishing boat When I rode to the fishing village which is number miles way from Saigon city in the afternoon I was instructed to stay and sleep in a boat for that night At number number am in the morning I was awakened and transferred to another boat By that time I realized the boat that we would use to depart was too small to fit for number of us The boat was about number feet wide and number feet long However I did not have another option since my mother already paid the organizers ahead of time Being frightened I stepped on the boat and was quietly sitting in the bunker with other children We were told to keep shut no matter what would happen later My boat started to leave the fishing village and sailed along the Saigon River to the VungTau open sea When we arrived to the ocean I could see some sunlight coming through cracks in to our bunker

Ssssss,

Iπm disappointed that you did not revise or rewrite this assignment. It contains only 3 academic words, 1.72 percent of the paragraph. You have submitted this paragraph at least three times. I gave you 16 detailed comments and corrections, yet you did not incorporate anything I wrote you last time. Donπt you suppose it is your turn to put some effort into revising it?

http://www.missioncollege.org/depts/esl/970g/VerbsPastTime_fall2004b.htm#escape

Post your revision by the due date.

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Forum: AEG Chapter 2 Verbs in the Past Time Frame

Date: 02-28-2005 22:01

Author: Bashar, Shehzad <shehzadbashar@aol.com>

Subject The most desireable place

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Thailand is the perfect tourist destination for newly weds or college students because of its beaches, weather, and food. First, there are many beautiful beaches. Some beaches have white sand and palm trees. Other beaches in Phuket Island has good surfing conditions on tide pools to explore. The weather is comfortable specially in winter. People come their from all around the world. In addition, Food is delicious and cheap but little spicy. Fast foods such as, Mc Donalds, KFC, and Burger Kings are common in all major cities.Tiger and crocodile shows are so unforgetable and nice to see, if you want to take a picture with a live tiger or crocodile, you can take a picture for just paying $2. When I visited Thailand with my wife and 4 year old son, it was lot of fun.Yes it is true that elephants just walk on streets closed to people that you can easily feed them. Althuogh many people prefer Hawwaii or Carribean Islands for vacation but I would rather go to Thailand. (170Words)

Families Types Tokens Percent

First 500: ... ... (109) (62.64%)

K1 Words (1 to 1000): 76 83 128 73.56%

Function: ... ... (72) (41.38%)

Content: ... ... (56) (32.18%)

K2 Words (1001 to 2000): 15 16 17 9.77%

AWL Words (academic): 1 1 1 0.57%

Off-List Words: ? 21 28 16.09%

92+? 121 174 100%

Words in text (tokens): 174

Different words (types): 121

Type-token ratio: 0.70

(Tokens per type: 1.44)

Function-content ratio: 0.41

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Onlist Tokens: 146

Onlist Types: 100

Onlist Type-Token: 0.68

Onlist Families: 92

Onlist Family/token: 0.63

Onlist Family/type: 0.92

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Output text: Thailand is the perfect tourist destination for newly weds or college students because of its beaches weather and food First there are many beautiful beaches Some beaches have white sand and palm trees Other beaches in Phuket Island has good surfing conditions on tide pools to explore The weather is comfortable specially in winter People come their from all around the world In addition Food is delicious and cheap but little spicy Fast foods such as Mc Donalds KFC and Burger Kings are common in all major cities Tiger and crocodile shows are so unforgetable and nice to see if you want to take a picture with a live tiger or crocodile you can take a picture for just paying number When I visited Thailand with my wife and number year old son it was lot of fun Yes it is true that elephants just walk on streets closed to people that you can easily feed them Althuogh many people prefer Hawwaii or Carribean Islands for vacation but I would rather go to Thailand

Ssssss,

You described Thailand as the perfect tourist destination. This topic and this context is inappropriate for the assignment. It appears that you took a paragraph that you previously wrote for another class and pasted it here instead of trying to meet the criteria of the past time paragraph.

Paragraph in the past time frame. (100 pts) Due date: 11 pm Sat Feb 26.

Write a paragraph of 150-175 words using different action verbs in the past time frame (refer to AEG Chapter 2). Use at least one of each sentence type, in any order: simple, compound, complex, and compound-complex.Pay attention to verb tenses and verb forms. Possible topics: what you (or somebody else) did in order to get a job, what you (sbdy else) did on a business trip or vacation, what happened in a recent job- or school-related activity (event, incident, task), what you (sbdy else) did in order to get your driver's license, what your son (wife, boyfriend, uncle, grandmother) did on a special occasion.

In addition, the vocabulary is very weak. The paragraph contains only one academic word, 0.57 percent of the paragraph. Although there are many grammar errors, I have not made any corrections of sentential, lexical or mechanical errors since this paragraph is very much off-topic. Post your revision by the due date.

Marsha Chan

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Forum: AEG Chapter 2 Verbs in the Past Time Frame

Date: 03-01-2005 02:24

Author: Wong, Shunhim (Shamson) <tiny_potato@yahoo.com>

Subject Forget it not....

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He is not sure how long it has passed. Counting his fingertips, he guesses that this was a couple of years ago or a little bit longer. Well! This doesn't matter. Let bygone be bygone.

......

It was a beautiful day - a sunny Saturday. Feeling bored, he took a walk in the neighborhood. Strangers passed by. Some of them were jogging. Some of them were walking with their lovely pets. Some of them were simply chitchatting. And he, alone by himself, was wandering without any purpose.

It was like an inner call in his heart. He stepped into a nearby bookstore. Welcoming him were two tables of New York Times bestsellers. He chose a quiet corner in the novel section, randomly picked a book and sat on the carpet floor. At this moment, something (or someone) caught his attention.

She had a pair of bright eyes. Her hair was like a cascade. Her facial expression was cute. She was sitting not far from him and reading one of his favorite novels - "Joy Luck Club" written by Amy Tang, the renowned Chinese American writer. She was so focus on her reading that she did not notice that he, like an idiot, was looking at her for quite a while.

Suddenly, she looked up from her book and saw him looking at her attentively. Her face turned red and he was so embarrassed that immediately, he buried his head into his book. When he looked up again, she had been back to her reading.

A while later, he took a deep breath, stood up and walked slowly to the girl. "Excuse me! You're reading Amy Tang's book, right? Do you like her writings?≤, he started the conversation. Surprisingly, she responded to him. From that moment, they got to know each other and their story began.

Every story has an ending, whether it is a good one or a bad one. So does their story.

The more they understood each other, the more they found out that they were not matched. One day, in a Starbuck cafe, they told each other how they felt about their relationship. Then, they hugged each other and said the final goodbye. Their story came to an end.

Forget it not...

"Some day, when I'm awfully low, when the world is cold, I will feel aglow, just thinking of you, and the way you look tonight .....≤, he hummed.

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Forum: AEG Chapter 2 Verbs in the Past Time Frame

Date: 03-03-2005 21:33

Author: Chan, Marsha <marsha_chan@wvmccd.cc.ca.us>

Subject Re: Forget it not....

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Ssssss,

You wrote with feeling and descriptive language. However, what you submitted is not one paragraph of 150-175 words. It is something closer to a story of 404 words, and it contains hardly any academic words , 1.49%. Could you please reread the directions for this writing assignment? Use the Tools > Word Count feature in MS Word. Please resubmit your assignment by the due date (by 9:32PM March 4.

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Ssssss,

I have not made any corrections of sentential, lexical or mechanical errors since this writing does not meet the basic criteria. Post your revision by the due date.

Marsha Chan

ESL 970G Advanced Grammar and Editing Spring 2005 Syllabus

Blackboard

[1] punc: Put a comma here before the nonrestrictive (nonessential) relative clause.

[2] art: the economy

[3] punc: close quotation mark

[4] word choice: äbubbleäburst.

[5] Punc: End this clause with a period, as the remaining clauses are already connected by a semi-colon.

[6] This paragraph is not how to get (i.e., how the reader can get) a job. It describes only one instance of how Jackie got a job.

[7] parallelism: N1, N2, and N3. Change the third item to a noun/n phr.

[8] ww: change ä to

[9] Iπm not sure what ≥best choice≤ refers to ≠ best of what? Use the superlative only when comparing three or more things. Otherwise, find a more suitable adjective/adj phr.

[10] tns: This is a completed past action.

[11] Modification error: Donπt use ≥thoseäclasses≤ when you have never mentioned classes before. => classes related to those software applications

[12] ww: at a place, in a room/city/region

[13] ww. You used the correct preposition for a time period in your second sentence; use it here, too.

[14] wf: the Internet

[15] for a compound sentence (IC + commad + cc + IC) you need to add a subject

[16] You use two connectors of contrast: however and but, so it is not clear what you want to contrast. Perhaps omit however??

[17] What does adjust her skills mean? Did she change her skills? If so, how? How did she adjust her skills if she didnπt have enough skill for a job?

[18] ww. On the other hand is used to introduce a contrasting idea. I think you need a transition phrase to introduce an additive idea: In addition, To assist in her job search,

[19] To have new job lists updated means that she told the recruiters to put new information on the job lists. That is not your meaning, is it? (She had her hair cut and styled = She went to a salon and a hair stylist cut and styled her hair according to her specifications.) => to get/obtain/request updated job lists.

[20] Wow, are you going to tell us what her dream job is, or are you keeping it a secret from your readers? What satisfaction can you give your readers?

[21] paral. (see above)

[22] Capitalize major words of a title. Put the word count at the end of the paragraph, not as part of the title.

[23] det/art: You have never mentioned any six of you before, so donπt use the definite article the.

[24] det/art: You have never mentioned any flight before, so donπt use the. Use indefinite an.

[25] wo: early on Sunday afternoon.

[26] sent struc:: IC + comma + IC + final punc. Can you see what is wrong with the middle of this sentence?

[27] det/pron: Our two friends implies that you had only two friends, which conflicts with the information about having six of you (friends, I suppose). On the other hand, two of our friends means two of the six of you.

[28] wf: have/help/let/make + obj + base form

[29] ww, det/pron: Donπt personalize this phrase: to reach a consensus. What consensus? consensus = general or widespread agreement among all the members of a group.. Youπre talking about only two people! reach an agreement (about what?) stop arguing?

[30] wf: See previous remark.

[31] wf: realize + n. cl.

[32] tns

[33] The juxtaposition of these two activities in one clause is a bit strange. Are they related Did you skydive into the show? Probably not. How can you distinguish and differentiate these activities? Use different verbs. Write different clauses.

[34] tns

[35] slang. This is not academic vocabulary.

[36] ww: until

[37] back to the hotel? back to bed? back where?

[38] rep

[39] Use academic vocabulary.

[40] cap

[41] sp

[42] Rewrite the topic sentence with a strong action verb, not BE. Use a pronoun only after you have presented a concept with a noun/n. phr. Otherwise, the reader asks ≥What does it refer to?≤

[43] ww:Actually is used to emphasize that something really is so or really exists, for example, when it may be hard to believe or contrasts with what has already been said. There is nothing in the first sentence that would imply a contrast to the content of the second sentence.

[44] Were you employed by Netscape? If not, by whom? This is unclear..

[45] Again, instead of using the vague It wasä use a clear subject and a strong verb, preferably an academic word.

[46] tns: Know is a non-action verb. The time frame is the same as when you exchanged business cards. Use simple past tense. Contrast : I had not learned how.. prior to exchanging cards.

[47] ww: During that period or At that time

[48] art: Do not use a/an with a noncount noun, like technology.

[49] What does available in the schedule mean? Can you rephrase this?

[50] What company?

[51] Assigned you to do what?

[52] Is it necessary to tell us that you remember something? Canπt you simply tell what happened rather than tell it as a memory?

[53] By funny, do you mean amusing, odd, perplexing, out of the ordinary, deceitful, dishonest?

[54] ww. The passive voice (e.g., was told) is usually followed by a prepositional phrase beginning with by.

[55] ww: At first = at the start, but not later. Do you mean when you arrived in the U.S.? as soon as you arrived at the airport in the U.S.?

[56] the U.S. at first

[57] ww: realized

[58] tns. See above.

[59] pl cn

[60] Compound sentence: IC + comma + IC + final punctuation.

[61] ref: it = what?

[62] ref: that= what?

[63] Capitalize major words of a title (n, v, adj, adv)

[64] wf: Use the active present participle form of the adjective: perplexing. Compare the passive past participle form of the adjective: I was perplexed.

[65] Simple past is acceptable, but past perfect is even clearer: had made.

[66] This word is acceptable, but these are better: obtain, procure.

[67] tns: After I startedä, the freeway got very crowded. Compare: While I was waiting to complete my transactions at Hertz, the freeway was getting very crowded.

[68] Capitalize major words of a title (n, v, adj, adv)

[69] wo: adj + n: much English.

[70] Det: My, This

[71] What is the intent of this sentence of contrast? Is this paragraph about being comfortable? No, it isnπt. It is about being uncomfortable. Therefore, the second clause serves no meaningful purpose. Omit it.

[72] Is it necessary to tell us that you remember something? Canπt you simply tell what happened rather than tell it as a memory?

[73] Ww: to get separated from (sbdy/sthg)

[74] ww: However

[75] Donπt use late rwith after

[76] modification: the help of a security guard/officer.

[77] wo: Always put I last: my family and I

[78] Use adv + v: mistakenly let

[79] det: Donπt use the definite article the unless you have previously mentioned these porters. Use the indefinite determiner some

[80] wf: have/help/let/make + sbdy + base form

[81] ww: to charge (an amount) as a fee

[82] pl + past tns

[83] wo

[84] misunderstand = vt (no prep)

[85] punc: complex sent IC + DC + final punc or DO + comma + IC + final punc

[86] art: the first/next/last + n

[87] wf? Do you want to emphasize the action (energetically) or how you felt (energetic)?

[88] wf: Use the verb, not the noun

[89] tns

[90] frag

[91] sp

[92] Change the content of the last three sentences to support the topic.

[93] sp

[94] Change this subject line to a suitable title for your paragraph.

[95] Capitalize major words of a title. Enter this in the subject line of the message.

[96] Capitalize the first word of every sentence.

[97] Capitalize proper names.

[98] sp

[99] Capitalize proper names.

[100] Capitalize proper names. Spell the name correctly.

[101] Punc: Join two elements with a cc and and without a comma.

[102] sp: The three parts of this word are hyphenated brother-in-law.

[103] Capitalize the first word of every sentence.

[104] vague: What did he do?

[105] Punc: comma.

[106] ww

[107] + noun

[108] wf

[109] Capitalize the first word of every sentence.

[110] Pronoun reference: What does that refer to?

[111] Always capitalize the first person subject pronoun I.

[112] Capitalize major words of a title (N, V, Adj, Adv)

[113] Rewrite the topic sentence with a strong action verb, not BE. Use a pronoun only after you have presented a concept with a noun/n. phr. Otherwise, the reader asks ≥What does it refer to?≤

[114] art/ pl cn: Donπt use the definite article the unless you have previously mentioned a student. Use the plural form

[115] spa

[116] art: Donπt use the definite article the unless you are the only one. Use the indefinite a/an.

[117] sp

[118] ref: What does that refer to?

[119] sp

[120] ww: wanted

[121] ww: enter

[122] punc: IC + comma + IC

[123] ww: and

[124] ww: being able to speak (read? write?) English

[125] punc: Never use a comma with a semi-colon. Refer to the chapter on Punctuation in AEG (Ch 12, I think). End this sentence with a period.