Spring 2004
Click here for Correction Symbols
http://www.missioncollege.org/depts/esl/65/Correct.html
Directions:
Write a paragraph of 150-175 words using different action verbs in the past
time frame (refer to AEG Chapter 2). Use at least one of each sentence type, in
any order: simple, compound, complex, and compound-complex. Pay attention to
verb tenses and verb forms
Paragraph in the Past Time Frame
1. Subject: My Trip to
New York
2. Subject: How I get
my drive license
3. Subject: How I get
my driver license
4. Subject: Getting a
job
5. Subject: My escape
trip from Vietnam
6. Subject: Yana:
Dangerous and Fun
7. Subject: My
Citizenship Interview
8. Subject: For a
Driver License
9. Subject: A short get
away vacation
10. Subject: A trip
with my family
11. Subject: Trip To
Paris
12. Subject: The
process of getting my driverıs license
13. Subject: Brief
history of the Internet
14. Subject: My visits
to Southern California fires damaged sites
15. Subject: Hiking
16. Subject: Trip to
South America
17. Subject: Getting my
drivers license
18. Subject: Paragraph
in the past time frame (suicide)
19. Subject: Death
Valley N.Y. Eve
20. Subject: Paragraph
in Past Time Frame (architecture), Nghia Nguyen
21. Subject: My
Terrible Practicum Day
22. Subject: Six Months
in London City
23. Subject: Finding
Work
24. Subject: Love and
Support
26. Subject: Visiting
some Parents in L.A.
26. Subject: HOW I GOT
DRIVER LICENSE
27. Subject: Getting a
new job
A
few years ago, I went on a vacation to New York with my family. We had watched
on television and read in books about many fascinating spots in New York, and
we planned on visiting all of them. We spent the first day walking along the
crowded streets of New York City, through Central Park, and around the
magnificent skyscrapers. The next day we were ready to hit our first
attraction, the NBC studios in Rockefeller Center. It was interesting to see
how scenes were put together to make up a television show. Our visit to Statue
of Liberty[1],
a 305 feet[2]
tall monumental sculpture, left us amazed. And finally we hit our way[3]
from manmade attractions to natural ones[4]:
Niagara Falls. Taking a walk along the banks of the Niagara River and feeling
the mist of the falls was incredible. Before we knew it, we had spent all the
vacation money we had saved for this trip[5]
and we went home tired, but refreshed.
Excellent
paragraph about your vacation to New York City: unified ideas supported fully
by many examples using a variety of descriptive vocabulary and sentence types.
Sentence
structures: simple, compound w/ compound verbs, simple w/ compound prep phr,
complex, simple, simple, simple, simple w/ compound S, compound-complex.
Verbs
(verb families): go, watch, read, plan, visit, spend, walk, be, be, put, leave,
(hit), take, feel, know, spend, save, go.
Past
time tenses used correctly: past, past perfect.
168 words -- within the limit of 150 to 175 words.
Score:
10
I
got my drive[9] license
after[10]
I went to the United States a few months. The important thing I learned in here[11]
[12]that
everybody canıt[13] do anything
without the[14] car. When I
went[15]
shopping or got[16] to go
somewhere else, I had to wait until somebody who[17]
has[18]
time to take me out. That was really inconvenient, so I learned to drive the[19]
car. I hired a driver[20]
teacher who[21] my sister
recommends[22] to teach
me. I was really afraid of car[23]
when the teacher came to teach me in[24]
the first few times, so I felt sick and nervous. After a few weeks training me[25],
the teacher brought[26]
me with[27]
others[28]
people go[29] to take the
driver test in Salinas; it took about two hours to get there. I was frustrated
when the men[30] who gave me
the paper[31] and[32]
let me know that I failed[33]
because I couldnıt back up the car. Then[34]
I took another test after a week and passed it. I was so happy and exciting[35]
because I could drive my son goes[36]
everywhere by myself[37]
Good
description of the nervousness and frustration of learning to drive a car.
Sentence
structures: simple, compound, complex, compound-complex.
Verbs:
get, go, learn, do, go, go, wait, have, be, learn, hire, recommend, be, come,
feel, (bring), take, be, give, let, fail, back, take, pass, be, drive
Past
time tense used correctly (sometimes): past
Numerous errors in sentence structure, verb tense, word form, word choice, The
paragraph contains no error-free sentences.
182
words --exceeds the limit
Score:
6
When
I first came to the USA, I soon realized that knowing how to drive safely and
lawfully is[40] the most
important thing that I need[41]
to learn in order to commute everywhere independently. Therefore, I asked my
husband to get me a driverıs handbook from DMV[42]
and started to study the driving rules and traffic laws at home. Three weeks
later, my husband scheduled me at DMV[43]
for a driving written test[44].
I was a little bit nervous before taking the test because I saw [45]some
people had failed while I was waiting in line. However, after[46]
submitting my test to a counter clerk about 5 minutes later, I was informed
that my test was passed[47],[48]
then, they[49] took my
picture,[50] fingerprint[51]
and issued me an interim driver license. I was very happy and started to learn
how to drive, and my husband was my instructor[52]
of course. I had been trained[53]
for about 50 hours before I took my real driving[54]
test. Fortunately, I passed my driving test at once[55]
and was issued a driver license after a week.
Clear
description of the process you followed to obtain your driver license and learn
to drive safely and lawfully. Very good overall sentence structure and sentence
variety.
Sentence
structures: simple, compound, complex, compound-complex.
Main
verbs: come, realize, be, need, ask, start, schedule, be, see, fail, wait,
submit, inform, pass, take, issue, be, start, be, train, take, pass, issue.
183
words - exceeds the limit
Score:
9
Hunting
fof[57]
a job is one of the most major[58]
tasks that probably all of us have had some experience[59].
This paragraph is to present you[60]
what I did to get my previous job as an Electronic Quality Control Inspector.
First, I prepared a arrogant[61]
resume. Since this was the essential written document to sell myself to a
prospective employer, I spent plenty of time writing, editing, and revising it.
In addition, I had a native-English speaker look at it, and I made a final
draft for my resume according to his comments. Second, I made several visits to
a number of employment agencies in searching for companies that were offering
jobs suitable for my skills and definitely in my interest. At home, I read the
San Jose Mercury Newspaper[62]
every morning for job openings. Third, I faxed my resume to all of these[63]
companies, and then I waited for a reply. I was excited when I received a phone
call from one of these companies. The next step that I took was to prepare for
an interview, the decisive phase in the process of finding a job. On the day of
interview, I appeared to be a neat-looking person who exhibited interest and
potentiality to handle successfully the job that I was about to have an
interview [64]for. During
the interview, I answered questions to the interviewer[65]
thoroughly. Eventually, I got that[66]
job.
Clearly delineated process of how you got your previous job. Excellent sentence structure.
Sentence
structures: simple, compound, complex.
Verbs:
hunt, be, had, present do, prepare, be, sell, spend, write, edit, revise, look,
make, make, offer, read, ra, wait, be, receive, take, prepare, find, appear,
exhibit, handle, be, answer, get
Past time tense used correctly: past
235
words -- exceeds the limit. Choose the most important points; omit or diminish
the others in scope and number.
Score:
8
I
left Vietnam on October 20th, 1982 in a small fishing boat. My trip was a
secret plan so that[68]
I did not know how[69]
the boat was going to look like. I even didnıt[70]
know how many people escaped[71]
with me on that trip. I left Saigon city one day before the boarding[72]
on the boat. When I rode to the fishing village, which is 40 miles way from Saigon
city, I was instructed to stay in another boat near by[73].[74]
At 3.00 Am[75], I was
awakened and transferred to the right boat. By that time, I realized[76]
that my boat was too small to fit for 64 people. The boat was only 10 feet wide
and 25 feet long. However, I didnıt have another option since my mother already
paid the organizers ahead of time. Had not I[77]
gone, she would have lost[78]
the money. Being[79] frightened,
I stepped on the boat, and then I was put inside the bunker with other
children. We were told to be quite[80],
no matter what happens[81]
later. My boat departed from the fishing village and sailed along the Saigon
River to the VungTau open sea. When we arrived to[82]
the ocean I could see some sunlight coming through cracks in to[83]
our bunker. It was around 6.00 AM in that[84]
morning, and it was also the most critical and most dangerous period of the
trip....[85]
Very
good description of the actions you took to escape from Vietnam in a small
boat, good variety of action verbs and sentences.
Sentence
structures: simple, compound, complex.
Verbs:
leave, be, know, look, know, escape, leave, board, ride, be, instruct, stay,
awaken, transfer, realize be, be, have, pay, go, lose, be, step, put, tell,
happen, depart, sail, arrive, see, be, be.
Past
time tenses used correctly: past, future in the past
234 words -- exceeds the limit. Ambitious topic for a paragraph of the
instructed length. Strive to stay within the word limit by selecting the
essential ideas.
Score:
8
2[86]
years ago, I had one of the most amazing experiences that anyone could consider
dangerous[87]. When I was
doing a practice[88] in a zoo, I
met Yana, a 2 years old[89]
jaguar. Since I started my practice[90],
I always looked up[91]
for the[92]
opportunity to play with her[93]
considering that Yana[94]
grew up with humans and was very sociable with everyone. Finally, the day
arrived; Dr. Espinoza let me get inside Yanaıs cage and introduced me with[95]
her. Dr. Espinoza and I played with Yana for a few minutes[96]
and I realized that she could kill me with her strength if she had really
wanted[97]
it. Yana used her mouth and her paws to play but she never bit or used her
nails[98]
with us. When we got out [99]the
cage, Dr. Espinoza told me that Yana was developing natural instincts[100]
and she said that very soon nobody would be able to play with her anymore.
Meeting Yana was a great [101]unforgettable
experience. An experience[102]
that was dangerous[103]
but Fun[104][105].
Interesting
experience with a wild animal, described with a good variety of verbs sentence
and types. The paragraph is weakened by the inaccurate word choice at the
beginning, which makes the purpose of the experience unclear.s
Sentence
structures: simple, compound, complex, compound-complex.
Verbs:
have, consider, do, meet, start, look up to, play, grow up, be, arrive, let,
introduce, play, realize, kill, want, use, bite, use, get out, tell, develop,
say, be, be, be.
Past
time tenses used correctly: past, past prog
174
words
Score;
8
------------------------------------------------------------------------
February
20, 2004 was a special day for me because it was my interview day for
citizenship. That day, my husband went to Immigration and National service[106] with me. When[107]
he was driving, I was reviewing the one hundred questions that were[108]
interview questions. I knew[109]
I already remembered[110]
those questions, but I felt I would forget them. After we arrived there[111],
we were setting a room[112]
and waiting for an officer call[113]
my name; at that time I was nervous and felt my heart jumping fast. A half hour
late[114],
a young man called my name, and them my husband and I followed him to go[115]
into his office. First, the officer wanted me to write a sentence that was I
live in the state of California[116].
Second, he gave me a paper that had twelve questions. He said to me that please
read[117]
the questions and answer them. I had read[118]
the questions and answered loudly and clearly. Then the officer checked my
information[119] with me.
After everything is done[120],
he said that[121] Miss Chen,
you passed the interview, and then he gave me a paper for showing[122]
I did the interview and passed.[123]
I was very happy that I will be[124]
an American citizen after I swear[125].
Good
description of the actions you took on the day of your interview for U.S.
citizenship. Some good sentence structure and verbs.
Sentence
structures: simple, compound, complex, compound-complex.
Verbs:
be, be, go, ddrive, review, be, know, remember, feel, arrive, (se), wait, be, feel,
jump, call, follow, want, write, be, live, give, have, say, read, answer, read,
answer, check, be, say, pass, give, show, do, pass, be, be, swear.
Past
time tenses used correctly: past, past prog
210 words -- exceeds the limit. There is a lot of unnecessary repetition. Choose
the most essential ideas to tell your story concisely; omit the rest.
Score:
7
I
had never had[126] or known
how to drive a car until I went[127]
to the United States; therefore[128],
I did hard[129] to get my
driverıs license one year ago. First, my husband and I went to the DMV to get
the latest driving handbook. After five days[130]
learning the traffic law[131],
I took my[132] writing[133]
test. It was easy for me to pass it. After that, I practiced driving a car with
my husbandıs help. It took me three months to do that[134]
because my husband only[135]
had free time on weekends. My husband always reminded me [136]the
traffic law[137] when[138]
he was teaching me how to drive. Finally, it was the time I took[139]
the driving test. That[140]
was a sunny day on Saturday morning[141].
I was at the DMV 30 minutes earlier than my appointment was[142],
but I was so[143] nervous as
I had seen a black cat by the time I got there. People in my country believe
that it is bad luck to see a black cat. Certainly[144],
I failed my test. However[145],
the reason I did not pass it was that my speed was slower than that [146]was
required. Consequently, I was going to take[147]
another test one month later. I will never forget how hard [148]to
get my driverıs license.
You described how you learned to drive and how you got your license. Some sentences use grammar correctly. The opening sentence is long, awkward and unfocused. According to the paragraph, you did not ever succeed in getting your license. Is that the idea you want to give the readers? Whatıs the conclusion to your effort?
Sentence
structures: simple, compound, complex, compound-complex.
Verbs: go, learn, take, be, practice, take, have, remind, teach, be,
be, be, be, see, believe, be, fail, pass, be, require, take, forget.
Past time tenses used correctly: past, past prog, past perf, pres
perf
217 words -- exceeds the limit. Select the most important information (150-175
words) and omit the rest.
Score: 7
During
the Christmas break;[150]
we[151]
drove to Reno for a short get away[152][153]
from town vacation. We rented a room from[154]
Peppermill for 2[155]
nights, although most of our times[156]
spending were[157] gambling
and in Mountain[158]
Rose for skiing[159].
I played blackjack while my friends stick[160]
with Rolex[161] and Poker.
Some of us won, and some of us lost. It wasnıt that much of fun[162]
for me until the second day when we went skiing. We felt[163]
a lot of times while skiing, but we laughed hard because of so much[164]
in our group. The next day everybody[165]
muscle[166] was[167]
aching,[168] and sore[169].
Some of us canıt[170]
even walk, but if you ask[171][172]
us if we like to go again, we would definitely say yes[173].
This trip was a good memory[174]
for me. Now every time I remember[175]
of this short vacation, I still crack up[176]
very hard about it[177].
You
used a variety of sentence structures to tell about your gambling and ski
weekend. The tone of the paragraph is not academic (the focus of this course),
but colloquial (appropriate for spoken language).
Sentence
structures: simple, compound, complex, compound-complex.
Verbs:
drive, rent, spend, gamble, ski, play, win, lose, be, ski, laugh, walk, say,
be, remember
Past
time tense used correctly: past
150 words
Score
7
Last
summer, my family and I took a trip to Salt lake[179]
City in Utah. We took this trip to attend my wedding's niece. We had arrived[180]
in Utah one week before the wedding. For the first three days ,[181]
we have decided to visit [182]the
city. There are four major shopping malls. Some of them are located in Downtown[183]
across[184] the Temple
Square. Since the Temple was build[185]
in 1853, it has been the[186]
Salt Lake's biggest attraction. The temple is really huge and beautiful. The
temple religion[187]
have been called [188]Mormon.
The Mormon religion allowed men to have multiple wifes[189]
but women could only have[190]
one husband. I was surprised by the large number of members. For the rest of
the week, we had helped[191]
my niece for[192] her
wedding preparations. All[193][194]
the house were[195]
decorated. The ceremony was taking[196]
in the morning at home[197]
and the reception at the restaurant was in the evening[198].
It was a very nice wedding[199]
and everyone had enjoyed[200]
it. The next day, we returned to San Jose relaxing[201]
and satisfied with our vacation.
Good
description of your activities during your visit to Salt Lake City.
Sentence
structures: simple, compound, complex.
Verbs:
take, take, arrive, decide, be, be, build, be, be, call, allow, have, be, help,
decorate, be, be, enjoy, return (Instead of be, use action verbs to
describe what you did.)
Past
time tense used correctly: past. Errors w/ past prog, past perf, pres perf
181 words. Some sentences/ideas can be combined (e.g. 1 & 2) for an economy
of words.
Score:
8
In
2000, I went to Europe, which was my dream place to take a vacation. I decided[203]
to travel to five countries on my first international trip; moreover, I checked
online for information on Europe and found a tour guide for my journey. [204]
I joined a travel group[205]
to Europe. By the time[206]
we arrived[207] Paris, we
were shocked[208] by many
famous landmarks like the Grand Louvre, the Notre-Dame Cathedral, the Bastille
Square Sorbonne, the Latin Quarter, the St-Germain-des-Pres, the
Champs-Elysées, the Arch of Triumph, the Eiffel Tower, the Madeleine Church,
and the Opera Square. When we visited the Grand Louvre Museum, they provided
individual earphones that played commentary in thirteen languages. The museum
displayed many grand virtues, and it made people felt like being in the sea of
art. We required a ticket for going up[209]
the Eiffel Tower, and that was the only one nice place to look at Parisı
panorama[210] view. We
didnıt forget to shop[211]
on the Champs-Elysées Avenue where many famous stores were located. After
everyone had bought the things they wanted, we took pictures in front of the
Arch of Triumph, and we toured the New Arch of Triumph as well. At night, we
cruised on Seine River to see the main monuments. We had stayed[212]
in Paris for three days then went on our journey to next country.
Paris
is the European city that I like the most because it shows the mainly[213]
important part of the European cultures[214]
developments. I will visit the city again to experience more of France.
Very
descriptive paragraph about a vacation in Paris. It is evident that you enjoyed
sightseeing in this truly interesting city. Very good sentence structure and
variety of verbs and sentence types.
Sentence
structures: simple, compound, complex, compound-complex.
Verbs:
go, be, check, find, join, arrive, be, visit, provide, play, display, make,
require, be, forget, be, bought, want, take, tour, cruised, stay, go, be, like,
show, visit.
Past time tenses used correctly: past, past perf (1)
258 words -- far exceeds the limit. Keep the most relevant points; omit the
least relevant ones.
Score: 9
I
remember when I was in high school; it was my sophomoreıs year.[216]
I had to take[217] this[218]
class to prepare for my permit[219].
This class was structure[220]
to help high school student[221]
to pass[222] their
permit. After two months with the class[223],
I went to DMV[224] to take my
first[225] written
exam[226]
but I fail[227]. Later in
the same week I went there to re-take[228],
and I passed with the Bıs range[229].
A few weeks later, my mom has had hire[230]
an instructor to teach me how to drive. It took him only[231]
two to three months to teach me how to drive. At first he took me to the
parking lots at flee-market[232]
on weekdays where[233]
they have[234] no car[235]
and he would let me drive using[236]
his car, but he was sitting next to me.[237]
I was practicing[238]
for [239]few
hours, and he would let me drove[240]
on freeway to the ways home[241].
He usually came to my house twice a week to pick me up for the practiced[242],
but he would let me practiced[243]
for [244]few
hours only. I didnıt had [245]a
lot of hours practiced[246]
driving with him[247]
that [248]how I fail[249]
two times taking driving exam, but[250]
the third time I barely passed. I donıt think he is a good instructor. I wouldnıt
recommend that instructor to anyone else.
What
is the main point that you want this paragraph to say? The paragraph begins
with ³high school² and concludes with ³wouldnıt recommend that instructor.²
Other sentences are about learning to drive. Restructure the paragraph with one
central, main, essential idea. For paragraph unity, keep only the ideas that
support the main point. ³But² is used four times; use this conjunction only
when contrasting ideas; otherwise, it is inappropriate.
Sentence
structures: simple, compound, complex, compound-complex.
Verbs:
remember, be, be, take, structure, go, take, fail, go, pass, hire, take, take,
have, let, sit, practice, let, come, let, have, fail, pass, be, recommend.
Tenses used, some correctly: past, past prog, past perf,
pres perf
225 words -- exceeds the limit. There are a lot of unnecessary ³talky² words;
omit the least relevant ones and try to set a more academic tone.
Score: 7
The
Internet was developed by group of people in the early 1960s. Those people were
thinking about big advantage[252]
of computers being connected to each other. The idea of global network[253]
of computers had proposed[254]
by J.C.R. Licklider of MIT before he moved over to the Defense Advanced
Research Projects Agency (DARPA) in late 1962 to head the work to develop it.
Later, Leonard Kleinrock of MIT and UCLA developed the theory of packet
switching, which was to form the basis of Internet connections. [255]Basic
idea of packet switching was in possibility to drop[256]
big amount[257] of
information into small packets and assemble them at the destination. Lawrence
Roberts of MIT connected a Massachusetts computer with a California computer in
1965 over dial-up telephone lines[258].
It was a confirmation of Kleinrock's packet switching theory.[259]
So,[260]
DARPA has developed[261]
the Internet in 1969. Who was the first to use the Internet? Charley Kline at
UCLA sent the first packets on Internet[262]
as he tried to connect to Stanford Research Institute on Oct 29, 1969. The
system crashed as he reached the G in LOGIN![263]
Very
good informative and academically written paragraph about the formation of the
Internet. Generally unified paragraph (except the conclusion) using a variety
of verb families and most of the verbs in the past time frame (-pres pref).
Very good overall sentence structure.
Sentence
structures: simple, complex.
Verbs:
develop, think, connect, propose, move, head, develop, be, form, be, assemble,
connect, be, develop, be, send, try, crash.
Past
time tenses used correctly: past, past prog, past perf, pres perf
183 words (7 words over the limit).
Score:
9
San Jose Mercury Newspaper [264] stated that the Southern California fires ³had destroyed 2600 homes and incinerated upward of 660,000 acres.² I was curious and wanted to see how much damaged [265] that [266] the October 2003 fires have left [267] behind. Therefore, during a trip to Southern California in [268] Thanksgiving weekend, I rode around San Diego County and wanted to visit [269] those sites. [270] I could not find the fires damaged sites [271] . On the road, I saw small clusters of blackened hillsides [
]
in
[273]
here and there once a while
[274]
. I was not sure those were fires disaster sites because
green grass had grown and covered part of the hills.
[275]
On my way back to San Jose, I rode pass Ventura County.
In Velencia
[276]
, the home of California
[277]
famous oranges, I saw
[278]
mountains and top of hillsides were blackened. At first,
when I saw those mountains from afar, I thought that because the distances
[279]
made the mountains look dark and gray.
[280]
Until
[281]
I was closed
[282]
up
[283]
to the orange groves, blackened stumps from burned oranges
trees stood up in many hillsides.
[284]
Many blackened hillsides had been separated the oranges
groves by a road.
[285]
Many years of cultivating, what left were those blackened
stumps
[286]
. I felt sad and
[287]
because it has taken many years for these mountains and
hillsides to recover back
[288]
to their previous conditions.
[289]
This
paragraph attempts to describe a visit to the area of southern California that
had been damaged by great fires. Some strong descriptive vocabulary is used.
However, many sentences are unclear in meaning so that I cannot suggest a
solution. Early in the paragraph, you state that you ³could not find the
damaged sites,² yet later you found the blacked hillsides. This is confusing.
Sentence
structures: simple, complex (some)
Verbs:
state, destroy, be want, leave, ride, find, see, be, grow, see, be, see, think,
look, be, feel, take, recover.
Past
time tenses used correctly: past,
220
words -- far exceeds the limit. Analyze each sentence for meaning, structure and
grammar; delete the confusing and unimportant points.
Score:
6
Last
Saturday, I went hiking at Alum Rock park[291].
It was totally[292]
beautiful day[293] after it
had been raining and clouding[294]
for almost whole week[295].
There was few[296] white
clouds[297] have
interspersed[298] on[299]
the blue sky. I saw lots of birds,[300]
while I was walking in the park. The creek which is called[301]
Penetencia Creek has had[302]
a lots[303] of water.
Because it has been raining a lot in[304]
this winter[305]. There are[306]
some trees were covered in pink blossom[307].
I did not see any deer at[308]
last Saturday[309], but I got[310]
a lots[311] of
walking, and it released all my stresses[312].
I shot many interesting pictures during hiking[313]
in the park. I am glad that I went to the park in[314]
the[315]
beautiful day. I had a great Saturday; I really enjoyed the views and got a
lots[316]
of fresh air in that day[317].
This paragraph describes a delightful day of hiking at a park. For the purposes of this paragraph, you should focus on actions that occurred and the sequence of those actions in the past time frame.
Sentence
structures: simple, compound, complex.
Verbs:
go, be, be, be, see, walk, call, have, rain, be, see, get, release, shoot, be,
go, have, enjoy, get. Overused stative verbs be, have. Use strong action verbs.
Past
time tenses used correctly (some): past, past prog, past perf, pres perf
145 -- short, lacks sufficient detail.
Score:
7
Traveling
around the world is the one of the most fantastic experiences we can have in
our lifetime. I was lucky to have an opportunity of a business trip to South
America with my father[318]
when I was in college. He wanted me to be his company[319]
because he needed someone who can[320]
speak English and negotiate a business deal[321].
We had attended some trading expositions in Kentucky and New York,[322]
before we headed[323]
to South America. We planned to visit[324]
Mexico, Panama, Venezuela, and El Salvador for two weeks. It was a kind of
short but nice trip.[325]
The typical southern summer[326]
was scorched[327] and humid.[328]
Each country had its own unique characteristics[329]
at the same time they hold cultural similarities. Most South American was[330]
very proud of their soulful[331]
culture, prestigious[332]
language, and rich history. We had a prejudice[333]
that these people lived in poor and hopeless nations and they did not have a
capability of trading business with us. We were simply[334]
wrong.
There
were many good and decent businessmen and women in South America. I realized
that if you[335] had any
business you needed to be their sincere friend not a corporate businessman. If
I have a chance to visit any country in South America again, this time I want
to make lots of friends.
Using
very good sentence structure, the paragraph describes your interesting business
trip and includes many deails. The first part starts to tell what happened on
your trip. However, after a few sentences, it moves away from telling what
occurred (past action verbs) to describing the culture (stative verbs). It
concludes not in the past, but in the present/future.
Sentence
structures: simple, compound, complex, compound-complex.
Verbs:
Be, have, be, be, want, need, speak, negotiate, attend, head, plan, be, be,
have, hold, be, have, live, have, be, be, Overused stative verbs; need to use
more action verbs.
Past
time tenses used correctly: past, past perf
219 words -- exceeds the limit. Review the criteria.
Score:
8
At
the age of eighteen, my sister drove me to the Department of Motor Vehicles to
get my drivers license[337].
Because I always had my sister as my teacher, I was very nervous when the
instructor[338] arrived.
He checked my car, and [339]
instructed me to press on the brakes, turn on the light[340]
and blinkers.[341] While we
were in the car, he asked for[342]
the location of the defroster and hazard bottoms. Then we headed to the
residential areas, where I drove to[343]
his instructions. After we had driven around[344],
we drove back to [345]DMV.
While we were parked, he explained my driving mistakes, and [346]handed
me a paper [347]which had
my test score[348]. I thought
I was going to fail, but I was shocked to hear that I passed. I was very
excited to finally drive on my own.
This
paragraph describes in a logical manner the steps you followed in order to get
your driverıs license. The sentence structure is generally very good; the word
choice could be more precise.
Sentence
structures: simple, compound (some errors), complex, compound-complex.
Verbs:
drive, get, have, be, arrive, check, instruct, turn on, be, ask, head, drove,
drive, drive, be, explain, hand, have, think, fail, be, pass, be.
Tenses
used correctly: past, past perf, pres perf, fut in past.
140 words -- short. More detailed actions would improve this paragraph.
Score: 8
My
co-worker, Ken, committed suicide last Wednesday. He just turned[350]
48 on Lincolnıs birthday. He left behind a wife and two young daughters. In[351]
this past week, while I was driving to work in the morning, I experienced
bursts of cries[352].
I am grateful that my boss has been very understanding[353].
During Kenıs [354]services on[355]
Monday, I found out he had been in depression for the last twenty-five years.
Before a crowd of over a hundred people, I mustered up the courage to deliver
an[356]
eulogy honoring Ken. Several members of Kenıs families[357]
came and shook my hands to thank[358]
me for sharing Kenıs technical accomplishments. Before Ken and I became a[359]
good friends and co-workers, he had been my mentor and my boss. I miss Ken
dearly, but I am thankful that he has had been[360]
such a positive influence in my life, both technically and inspirationally.
This
piece is very admirable, especially because it describes very well your grief,
sorrow and appreciation of someone who died so recently. It is written with
great sensitivity, as well as excellent sentence structure.
Sentence
structures: simple, compound, complex.
Verbs:
commit, turn, leave, drive, be, be, find out, be, muster, deliver, come, shake,
thank, share, become, be, miss, be, be.
Tenses
used correctly: past, past prog, past perf, pres perf
148 words
Score:
10
Last
year in December[361],
my friends and I went to Death Valley to celebrate the[362]
New Yearıs Eve. It was an awesome[363]
experience. For all those[364]
New Yearıs Eve, we have always been celebrating[365]
by partying[366] at some nightclubs.
This time I decided to celebrate[367]
the Holidays[368] by doing
an off-roadı driving trail[369]
and camping at Death Valley. It was totally [370]a
different enjoyment.
Typically
because I am the one who set up[371]
the arrangements and the planning, for the majority of the time[372],
I would have disagreements[373].
But[374]
this trip, it [375]was
very smooth; everyone liked the idea[376]
and the planning was wonderful.
We
arrived at night on New Yearıs Eve. Anyone with experience in desert
environment understands the climate of it.[377]
As we got closer to the park[378],
we notice[379] how cold
the temperature was and the temperature was dropping very fast; every 7 to 10
minutes a[380]
temperature would drop a degree. We got to our campsite after driving around in[381]
moonless night for 30 minutes looking for it[382].
When we finally parked my friendsı SUV, [383]
and open[384] the door,
it was freezing cold. All of us was[385]
excited[386] and we
have forgotten[387]
about looking at the temperature gauge. Later my friend told me that the reading
on the gauge was iceı --meaning below 0ı.
This
piece (3 paragraphs instead of one) starts by implying that the trip to Death
Valley was enjoyable. However, hardly any of the paragraph describes the
actions that occurred while the campers were in the park. The planning, which
takes up over 40 words, does not support the idea of enjoyment, 116 words
describe the temperature. What occurred to support the concept of a positive,
enjoyable celebration?
Sentence
structures: simple, compound, complex.
Verbs:
go, be, celebrate, decide, do, be, be, have, be, like, be, arrive, understand,
get, notice, be, drop, drop, get, drive, look for, park, be, be, forget, tell,
be. Overused stative be, have. Needs action verbs. Avoid colloquial and slang
language. Use a more formal academic tone.
Tenses
used correctly: past, past prog, past perf, pres perf
218 words -- exceeds the limit.
Score:
7
My
previous job was in Vietnam[389]
where I was born and grew up.[390]
After I graduated from [391]Architectural
University of Ho Chi Minh City[392],
I worked in a big government architectural company from 1997 to 2000. This job
was a very tough[393];
however, I got much experience from it. The biggest project that I have ever
designed was a swimming complex consisting of two swimming pools with 2000-seat
stadium[394] and other
facilities. I was commissioned to design it because I had won a competition
organized by the government. I had not finished it before I came to the U.S. on[395]
Dec. 2000.[396] I was
hired by an American office[397]
in 2001 because of the experience that I had got from designing this project
and many others[398].
Because my goal is to get a BS degree in the U.S., I went to the college[399]
on[400]
Dec. 2001, but[401]
I asked my boss for working[402]
part- time to support myself for studying.[403]
This
paragraph starts in the past in Vietnam but ends up in the present in the U.S.
Stay with past time actions (which can include projects in America). Different
verb tenses in the past time frame are used well. Try to use strong action
verbs.
Sentence
structures: simple, compound, complex, compound-complex.
Verbs:
be, be born, grow up, graduate, work, be, get, design, commission, win, finish,
come, hire, get, be, go, ask.
Tenses
used correctly: past, past perf, pres perf
160 words
Score:
8
Last
Friday was the hardest day that I have experienced since I worked[404]
in the school day care[405].
On this day, one teacher was on her vacation, another was sick.[406]
Consequently, there was only one teacher (Ms. Linda) and one substitute (Mrs.
Camon) with two practicum students (Lee and I). The four of us took care [407]sixteen
toddlers. This day was a kind of mix day because we didnıt know what should we[408]
do and[409] how should
we[410]
play with these little ones when children cried or Ms. Linda wasnıt there with
us either inside the room or outside the play ground. [411]About
11 AM[412], it was
the time to set tables for toddlersı lunch, but Ms. Linda needed to help a boy
clean up because he got ³PooPoo²[413]
all over his clothes. Both Lee and I didnıt have any experience to do it. [414]
Mrs. Camon, the only[415]
teacher wasnıt able to leave all toddlers to Lee and I[416].
Therefore, we got[417]
to wait for Ms. Linda to do it. During that time, I felt sad and helpless when
I saw some children were crying[418]
for their hungry[419],
some were pushing[420]
each other for their toys, or some were fighting[421]
for staying[422] close to
the door. Although we had tried[423]
to use different interactions to attract their attention, these little guys[424]
didnıt have any interest. In[425]
naptime, several toddlers were waiting, crying and asking Ms. Linda to hold
them to sleep. These poor guys[426]
refused my kindness whatever I did to try to help them[427].
Their rejection has decreased[428]
my confidential[429]
at that moment. What a negative day that[430]
I have encountered[431]?
This
paragraph clearly describes the difficulty you experienced as a child care
practicum student. The detail you provide makes it easy to envision the
toddlersı unhappiness and your frustration.
Sentence
structures: simple, complex.
Verbs:
be, experience, work, be, take care of, be, know, do, play, cry, be, be, need,
get, have, be, feel, see, have, wait, cry, ask, refuse do, decrease.
Tenses used correctly (some errors): past
272 words -- exceeds the limit by nearly 100 words.
2 days late. Score: 5
I
spent six months in a lovely place in the world, London. My company sent me to
London to support the[432]
application,[433] and keep[434]
the Production line be[435]
7/24[436]
when people in California go to sleep[437].
My first impression of the city was the public transportation. Most of people
use buses,[438]
underground to [439]
the city to work.[440]
On the weekend, too[441]
many people went shopping, or walked on the[442]
Oxford street[443], I believe
they were tourists. I enjoyed walking so much that I lost[444]
10 pounds when I get[445]
home last summer. I took advantage[446]
to visit all famous places as I could[447].
I spent few hours in[448]
Buckingham palace[449]
to see a march[450]
of the guard[451], and [452]went
to Noting[453][454]
Hill on Saturday to see the antiques[455]
market. I took a bus to see Windsor castle[456],[457]
and boat[458] to visit
Greenwich. My favorite cities were Oxford and Cambridge[459]
where most of the colleges were built in 16th century. It was so nice to spend
time to[460] working
and visiting such a nice, famous city as London,[461]
therefore[462] I wish I
would visit London again.[463]
It
is apparent that you enjoyed your six-month stay in London. Some sentences
describe actions in the past time frame -- good. Others describe general truth
actions or conditions/states, and the concluding sentence points to the future;
these types of verbs are not the focus of this writing assignment.
Sentence
structures: simple, complex.
Verbs:
spend, send, be, go, be, ues, go, walk, believe, be, enjoy, get, take, spend,
go, take, be, build, be, visit.
Tense
used correctly: past
190
words -- exceeds the limit.
2
days late. Score: 6
top
I
like my work. I met new friends after joining the company. Because it is easy
and close to home, I decided to work for Network Associates.[464]
Millions of jobs were exported[465]
overseas, but no one in our government has done anything. Job exports and
outsourcings benefited[466]
international countries. However, US job workers were being laid off.[467]
Some of these workers that were impacted lost their savings and homes.[468]
Many people in US are[469]
unemployed since the economic downturn started in 2000. It has been over three
years now, but a number of these former workers are still looking for work and
many of them no longer have unemployment benefits. Unless a[470]
reasonable job growth and job protection are implemented soon, these workers
will continue[471] to have a
difficult time finding work. When President George Bush, Jr. took office four
years ago, he committed[472]
growing the economy and ensuring our citizens[473]
livelihood. Four years has gone by, his commitments never became a reality.[474]
Our domestic problems continue to grow at unimaginable rate. Workers [475]losing
their jobs, millions of families do not have heath insurance, schools are
crowed[476], and more[477].[478]
The structure of individual sentences is, in general, very good; it uses a good variety of verbs. However, the content and organization need work. This paragraph is not unified. It includes too many different unrelated ideas: like work, met friends, decided to work for N.A. jobs exported overseas. Much of the paragraph refers to current job conditions instead of specific actions in the past time frame. You start by stating that you like your job, but you don't tell why (and that probably doesnıt fit the criteria of past). You end with a statement of frustration over the economy (also not enough past actions). Select a topic in the past.
Sentence
structures: simple, compound, complex, compound-complex.
Verbs:
like, meet, be, decided, export, do, benefit, lay off, impact, lase, be, start,
look, hve, implement, continue, gave, take, commit, go, become, continue, lose,
have, be.
Tenses
used correctly: past, past perf, pres perf
189
words -- exceeds the limit
3 days late. Score: 5
I
had an accident a few years ago. My forehead hit[479]
at the corner of a medicine cabinate[480]
while I was washing my face. A huge bump was immediately burst out with
tremendous pain.[481]
Later, an osteosis was left on my forehead due to the tramma[482]
from the bone. My doctor decided to have a surgery[483]
on[484]
last Monday[485] to remove
the osteosis from my forehead. Since it was the first time in my life to have a[486]
surgery, I was very nervous. On the[487]
Monday, I was surprised to see that my pastor and his wife were in the waiting
room at the hospital. They came to visit me and calmed me down by saying a
prayer for me before I was sent to the surgery room. My surgery was very
successful. Thanks[488]
God for listening to our prayer. I left the hospital on the next day. I had
been taken care of by many sisters from my church before I returned to work on
last Friday[489]. I have
experienced so much love and support from my church during this period. I truly
appreciate the blessings that I have received from our Heavenly Father.
You
described your accident, surgery, recovery, and faith with a variety of verb
tenses and sentence types. Good luck on your complete recovery.
Sentence
structures: simple, compound, complex, compound-complex.
Verbs:
have, hit, wash, leave, decide, be, be, be, be, come, calm, send, be, leave,
take care of, return, experience, appreciate receive
Tenses
used correctly: past, past prog, past perf, pres perf
195
words -- exceeds the limit. Write a topic sentence that incorporates several
ideas in fewer words. Omit unnecessary words (e.g. decided to have =>
performed)
If
your surgery was really this recent, I wonıt deduct points for the paragraph
being submitted late. Score: 8
top
I
was out of town for the first holiday weekend of the year. My mom and younger brother
invited me to spend that particular date[492]
visiting some of my parents[493]
living in L.a[494]. I Didn't[495]
like the idea pretty[496]
much; however, I joined them in[497]
that unexpected and unplanned adventure. Before we finally arrived to[498]
L.A., we had already driven nearly for[499]
five hours. Uncle Jorge couldn't hide his emotions when he and his family
welcome[500] us.
Kisses, greetings and polite phrases were exchanged. While we were introduced
to some visitors there, Aunt Maria set the table and we were asked[501]
to have dinner specially cooked by Uncle Jorge. I have never gotten[502]
drunk in my life. [503]By
the time we had finished dinner, I was drunk! I just remember now how talkative
I was, and how people didn't stop making fun of me. It was to embarrasing[504]
that I decided to come back to San Jose sooner than planned[505].
My mom wisely advised me to excuse myself and go to sleep. I slept por[506]
couple of hours until I heard my mom's voice chatting with Uncle Jorge in the
kitchen. I had a terrible headache, and the only thought in my mind was
dissapear[507]. Finally,
my brother gave me the car's key[508]
and I even said[509]
goodbye to anyone. The feeling[510]
has been really hard to deal with, that I haven't called my parents[511]
yet to apologize.
This
paragaph describes your weekend in Los Angeles very well, including your
embarrassing moment. You used all of the sentence types and past verb forms.
Sentence
structures: simple, compound, complex, compound-complex.
Tenses
used correctly: past, past prog, past perf, pres perf
241
words -- far exceeds the limit. Write a topic sentence that expresses the
overall theme of the paragraph. Omit unnecessary words; keep those that express
the main idea that you want to present to your readers.
Late.
Score: 7
Four
years ago, when I came in the U. S, I didn't know how to use the car[513]
in the first time[514],
but after that[515]
my brother-in-law hired a driver teacher who taught me driving[516]. He was teaching me one hour a day-[517]four
days a week. After one and half month[518],
suddenly[519], he called me [520]that
he would pick me up in a hour for taking[521]
driver test[522]. I was very surprised because at that
time I didn't have enough time for practice[523], and he didn't teach[524]
me how to use[525] everything
about[526] the
car. I had asked[527]
him about that, but he said[528]
"don't[529] worry[530]
I'll teach you before you take test[531]
at the DMV. My niece and her boyfriend laughed when they were listening[532]
my[533]
talking[534] Thet
said, the first time would give me
the experience for the next time, but I had passed[535].
No one in my family believed that could happened[536].
Then I still continued to practise[537]
with my relatives until I could drive by myself[538].
There
are no error-free sentences in this paragraph. Although you made an attempt to
write simple, compound, complex, compound-complex sentences, there are serious
errors in structure, word choice, word form, and verb tenses. In addtion to
marking the grammar errors, I had to do a lot of re-formatting of the text in
order to read this paragraph. I advise you to take a keyboarding class or go to
the LATC to learn to type. Some conventions that you must learn: add a space
after a comma or a period. Do not use line breaks (returns) within a paragraph.
169
words
3
days late. Score: 3
------------------------------------------------------------------------
As[539]
a foreign student, getting a job in the United States is not easy. Language
barrier[540], cultural
differences, and the absence of connections make[541]
it very difficult to a get job here. After my graduation in 1998, I left the
Mid-West and moved to the Bay Area. My only connection in the Bay Area was a
long-time high school friend. To increase my chances of getting a job, I
adopted a simple, but focus[542]
strategy. First, I polished my resumes by having professors and career
counselors reviewed[543]
them; second, I obtained a list of alumni who worked in the Bay Area and
contacted them for informational interviews; finally, to broaden my network, I
attended meetings conducted by professional organizations.[544]
In approximately two months, my strategy paid off. I met many people who are[545]
willing to help me, and I received a couple of job interviews. Although I did
not know anyone in the Bay Area, I was able to leverage[546]
on our alumni[547] and my
former employerıs connections. Because that[548]
was my first job offer in the United States, I was not familiar with
negotiations for pay and benefits, but I picked up the skill by researching
relevant materials from the library. I was able to get a good deal which
included employerıs sponsorship of green card application upon satisfactory
performance in one year.
Excellent
paragraph about your success in obtaining a job after graduating (from college?)
This unified paragraph is supported fully by many details in your process and
uses a variety of descriptive vocabulary and sentence types.
Sentence
structures: simple, compound, complex, compound-complex.
Past
time tense used correctly: past
225 words -- far exceeds the limit.
Score:
9
[1] the N1 of N2
[2] Compare 305 feet (number + noun) and 305-foot sculpture (compound adj + noun).
[3] ww: to make oneıs way
[4] sg (you
mention only one) or ones, such as
[5] punc
[6] tns: past
[7] wf: n
[8] Cap all n, v, adj, adv
[9] wf
[10] wo: a few months after
[11] ww: Donıt use prep + adv. Use prep + n or use adv.
[12] + BE verb
[13] wf: nobody can
[14] ww: indef art: a
[15] aux: had to/wanted to/needed to go
[16] ww: had
[17] omit (sbdy = S)
[18] tns
[19] ww: indef
[20] wf: adj (-ing)
[21] wf: obj case
[22] tns: past perf
[23] cars? a car? my car? her/his car? driving?
[24] omit
[25] weeks of
[26] ww: bring (here) vs take (there)
[27] ww: cc
[28] wf: adj (not poss)
[29] omit
[30] sg?
[31] what paper?
[32] omit
[33] tns: past perf
[34] Not then! A week later, .
[35] wf: pp->adj
[36] omit
[37] punc
[38] tns: past
[39] Cap all n, v, adj, adv
[40] tns
[41] tns
[42] the N1 of N2 (the Department of Motor Vehicles => the DMV)
[43] same
[44] sch an appt for me to take a written test on the rules of the road
[45] that
[46] wo: about five minutes after
[47] I passed
[48] cs
[49] pron referent? try passive v
[50] A and B (not A, B)
[51] pl
[52] comma
[53] voice: active
[54] road
[55] on the first attempt
[56] Cap all n, v, adj, adv in a title.
[57] Finding
[58] ww: a major task or one of the most important/difficult/(other adj).tasks I prefer the former.
[59] ww: had experience with or experienced. I prefer the verb.
[60] This talky part can be omitted.
[61] ww: Are you sure you want to use this negative word? Definition: feeling or showing proud self-importance and contempt or disregard for others. art: a/an
[62] ww: News
[63] ww: these= which? I doubt you faxed your resume to ALL of the companies that advertised in the SJMN! Didnıt you select companies that had jobs for which you were qualified/ jobs in which you were interested?
[64] simplify: to interview. Many phrases are unnecessarily long. Iıve suggested some revisions (use verbs instead of verb + n obj phr); You find the rest.
[65] the interviewerıs questions
[66] that= which?
[67] Cap all n, v, adj, adv in a title.
[68] ww: Use cc so, not sub so that.
[69] ww: what (sthg looks like)
[70] wo
[71] tns: past prog or fut in past
[72] vt
[73] one word
[74] logic: How could you ride (in what conveyance?) at the same time as you had to stay in another (a?) boat?
[75] a.m. or A.M.
[76] ww & tns: By that time, I had realized (past perf) or At that time, I realized (past)
[77] wo
[78] ww: forfeited, wasted
[79] omit
[80] ww/sp
[81] tns
[82] ww: arrived at/entered
[83] one word
[84] ww
[85] It is inappropriate to end a paragraph with trailing dots. Although it is very interesting, the topic you chose is rather big for the task. Re-examine the task and criteria, narrow the scope and revise it within the criteria.
[86] sp
[87] Iım confused about the relationship of all the adjectives youıve used. Do you mean the most dangerous experience? the most amazing and dangerous experience? Omit the adj cl.
[88] ww; doing a practice = ?
[89] wf: compound adj: a two-year-old j
[90] ww
[91] omit
[92] ww: an
[93] her = ? There is no suitable referent. Do you mean Yana?
[94] since she
[95] ww: to
[96] punc
[97] tns: past
[98] ww: claws
[99] ww: to get out of sthg
[100] punc
[101] +and
[102] frag
[103] punc
[104] cap.
[105] You used different cc here & title. Why not use the same?
[106] ww: Check the proper name carefully.
[107] ww
[108] omit 3 words -- no need for rel adj cl.
[109] omit
[110] ww & tns: had memorized
[111] omit
[112] ww: meaning???
[113] wf: inf
[114] wf
[115] omit inf
[116] I am not sure what this sentence means. The structure is faulty, perhaps the word choice, too.
[117] ww: he asked me to read (It seems you are using a lot of Chinese spoken grammar instead of written English grammar.)
[118] tns: past
[119] what information?
[120] tns: past
[121] omit. if you use quoted speech ³Miss Chen². Otherwise use reported speech: he said that I had passed
[122] wf: inf
[123] rep
[124] tns
[125] vt + obj
[126] ww: owned? seen? ridden in?
[127] ww came (to come here, to go there/away)
[128] ww There is no logical reason-result between the first and second sentences.
[129] ww: did hard = ???
[130] + of
[131] Did you learn only one law? pl
[132] ww not yours; the
[133] wf: written test, NOT a writing test; the DMV does not test your writing!
[134] ww: to do what? to practice or to learn to drive?
[135] wo: put this adv before the phrase that it modifies.
[136] inc/ww: reminded you about? reminded you to observe/follow?
[137] sg?pl?
[138] ww
[139] time + inf
[140] what? No pron referent.?
[141] Did you take the test on a sunny Saturday morning
[142] before my appointment
[143] ww: very
[144] ww. Meaning? Therefore/Unfortunately?
[145] This is yet another improper use of a transition. Youıve used transitions indiscriminately; without regard to their meaning. Use however to show contrast/conflict between two ideas. There is no contrast!
[146] + S rel pron
[147] had to take?
[148] +it was
[149] Cap n, v, adj & adv in title. sp compound ajd: Get-away
[150] punc
[151] pron referent: we=who?
[152] see above
[153] wo: v f t
[154] ww: at
[155] sp
[156] wf: the time
[157] wf: passive was spent
[158] wf: Mount (Mt.)
[159] Many modification errors . gambling where and skiing where
[160] tns & word choice
[161] ??
[162] ww: very much fun
[163] ww
[164] + n
[165] wf: poss
[166] pl cn
[167] sva
[168] punc
[169] paral: -ing1 + -ing2 or adj1+ adj2.
[170] tns
[171] tns
[172] + aux
[173] why?
[174] wf: very memorable
[175] VT + obj (not prep)
[176] colloq
[177] There are no error-free sentences in this paragraph. The language is extremely colloquial instead of academic. Revise this with more sophisticated vocabulary and accurate grammar.
[178] Cap n, v, adj, adv in a title.
[179] cap
[180] tns: past. You already used simple past in the previous sentence. This action of arriving did not occur before ³took a trip.ı Compare the use of past perfect in Trip to Paris below.
[181] No space before a comma, period -- space afterwards.
[182] tns: decided, or visited
[183] Donıt use prep + adv, only adv. No cap.
[184] ww: across from
[185] wf: pp
[186] omit
[187] the N1 of N2: the religion of
[188] tns: pres, passive
[189] sp
[190] wo
[191] tns: past
[192] ww: help sbdy with sthg
[193] All + (ofobj)
[194] ww: took place
[195] sva
[196] ww, tns: took place
[197] punc
[198] Use parallel structure in both cl.
[199] punc
[200] tns: past
[201] wf
[202] Cap n, v, adj, adv, but not other words.
[203] tns: past per
[204] tns: Which actions occurred before you went? -> past perf. Consider the number of words you exceeded the limit. Which are less important /unnecessary to tell your story:?
[205] a tour group
[206] ww: When. (By the time = before and up until the time)
[207] vi
[208] ww: Iım sure you donıt mean intensely distressed! Use a dictionary and a thesaurus.
[209] Whatıs the importance of this clause?
[210] wf: adj
[211] More succinct: We shopped
[212] tns: past. This did not occur before the other past actions you wrote about.
[213] ww: most
[214] wf: adj
[215] Cap n, v, adj & adv in titles
[216]
The topic sentence should be about the topic of getting your dr lic, not about
remembering. Simply use a prep phr In my soph yr at h s, I took
[217] took
[218] pron referent? ww: a
[219] What kind of permit: fishing permit? teaching? driving? Select and use specific vocabulary.
[220] wf: pp
[221] pl cn
[222] wf: base form: help + sbdy + do sthg (base form)
[223] Unclear: Two months after the class ended? After attending the class for two months?
[224] the
[225] Omit this; otherwise , it implies that two or more tests are required.
[226] punc
[227] tns: past. Also fail = vt (requires obj).
[228] vt
[229] This prep phr doesnıt make sense. The DMV does not give grades.
[230] tns: past
[231] When you use only, it implies that you learned to drive in a short time. However, later, you write that you didnıt learn well. This is a contradiction in meaning. Do you mean It took him or He spent teaching me how?
[232] art, sp: the flea market
[233] ww: when
[234] not personal. there were
[235] pl cn. punc.
[236] omit
[237] ww: while he sat
[238] tns: past
[239] + a
[240] wf: base f
[241] ww: drive home on the freeway
[242] wf: n
[243] wf: base f
[244] See above.
[245] wf: bse f
[246] omit
[247] r-o
[248] +verb
[249] tns, vt+obj
[250] omit
[251] art: a. Also cap n, v, adj, adv in a title.
[252] art: the N1 of N2:the advantage of ..
[253] art: a/an + sg cn (network)
[254] passive
[255] art: the N1 of N2
[256] Use the N1 of N2
[257] art: a/an + sg cn
[258] Did they use more than one line? If so, pl is correct. If only one, use a/an + sg cn.
[259] Instead of BE, use a strong verb: This experiment confirmed
[260] Formal/academic: Thus/ In this way
[261] tns: past
[262] +the
[263] What is the purpose of this concluding sentence? Do you want the readers to think of failure or success? Consider r rewriting the conclusion.
[264] The SJM News
[265] wf: n
[266] omit
[267] tns: past perf
[268] ww: on
[269] ww: looking for
[270] + tr to show contrast
[271] the sites damaged by
[272] Did you see clusters of hillsides or clusters of burned spots on the hillsides, or?
[273] Donıt use prep + adv; use either prep phr or adv.
[274] omit this time phrase.
[275] With this description of green grass, I am a bit confused about the clusters of (what?) mentioned previously.
[276] sp
[277] wf: poss
[278] + that
[279] sg
[280]
sent struc: I am not sure how to understand this sentence. Maybe: What did you
think? I thought that (+ cl)
because
[281] ?
[282] wf close
[283] omit
[284] sent struc: What is the intent of this sentence?:
[285] sent struc: I canıt get a clear picture of the meaning of this sentence.
[286] sent struc: What is the relationship of the years of cultivating and the blackened stumps? Did the former cause the latter?
[287] sad and because?? Compound elements must be parallel: 2 adj.
[288] re= back. recover back is redundant.
[289]
The time frame is unclear. Also, what do you mean by previous conditions?
[290] This title is too broad. Narrow it down to something more specific.
[291] Cap name of park.
[292] colloq.
[293] art: a/an + sg cn
[294] ww. cloud= n, cloudy=adj. no verb form. parallel: rainy and cloudy
[295] art: a/an + sg cn
[296] a few
[297] sva
[298] Use only pp as adj, not pres perf v (no subj)
[299] ww: in
[300] punc
[301] adj cl modification error: omit first cl
[302] weak verb. Select a strong action verb. What happened? Where did the water come from?
[303] sg/pl
[304] Omit prep. Do not use prep + adv phr.
[305] frag
[306] adj cl modification error: omit first cl
[307] pl cn
[308] Omit prep. Do not use prep + adv phr.
[309]Why did you tell what you did not see? Why didnıt you tell what you saw?
[310] ww?? get walking is not an English expression . Use proper action verbs.
[311] same error
[312] usu ncn
[313] wf: prep + n
[314] ww: on day
[315] ww: a/this (The use of the would mean that there is universally only one beautiful day, which is not true.)
[316] same error
[317] same error
[318] opportunity to accompany my father on
[319] wf: -ion
[320] wf: past
[321]
Did he expect you to negotiate or interpret?
[322] punc
[323] colloq: proceeded
[324] Did you visit them or only plan to visit them?
[325] colloq: kind of. Omit it. In fact, does this sentence serve a purpose?
[326] ww: southern summer? ? summer in the southern hemisphere?
[327] wf, colloq: scorching
[328] This sentence is not connected in meaning to the previous and the subsequent sentences. What is its purpose in the paragraph?
[329] Turn this into an active verb sentence: I/We discovered unique characteristics in each country
[330] pl
[331] ??
[332] ?? Are you sure you have the right modifiers?
[333] tns: Do you mean when you arrived or beforehand? past perf?
[334] vocab: were proven wrong;/learned otherwise. Use strong action verbs.
[335] Who, us? the readers? Rephrase this unless you decide to omit it.
[336] Cap n, v, adj, adv in a title.
[337] Use either driver license or driverıs license.
[338] ww: examiner? You didnıt go to the DMV for instruction, did you?
[339] +S. Compound sent = IC, cc IC. Simple sent: S + V1, V2, and V3.
[340] Specify: headlamps? dome light?:
[341] colloq. Use the formal name.
[342] Did he ask you to indicate them?
[343] according to
[344] driven around is vague. Had he finished examining your driving skills? What specifically did you do?
[345] the
[346] +S
[347] +on
[348] Did the paper already have the score or had the examiner written the score?
[349] Create a suitable title.
[350] tns: past perf
[351] Omit prep before adv phr.
[352] ww: burst into tears
[353] of your emotional outbreaks?
[354] +funeral?
[355] which? the following?
[356] wf: a + /yu/, as in a unversity
[357] sg
[358] shook and thanked
[359] pl cn; omit a
[360] tns: pres perf
[361] Omit 2nd and 3rd words.
[362] The new year, but new yearıs eve (no the).
[363] Do you mean this in the formal definition or the slang one? If the latter, find a formal synonym.
[364] those? which? You havenıt mentioned any previous ones. For years, we have celebrated n y e at a nightclub.
[365] tns: pres perf -- not pres perf prog (you are not still celebrating at this moment)
[366] slang
[367] only you by yourself?
[368] no cap
[369] unclear: do trail??
[370] colloquial (appropriate for spoken, not written academic form)
[371] sva, ww: makes
[372] what time?
[373] you disagree with yourself? Not quite sure what the purpose of this sentence is.
[374] Academic writing usu does not begin with a cc.
[375] Donıt use a double subject (n and pron). What exactly was smooth? The trip:? Planning the trip?
[376] what idea/
[377] This implies we readers are ignorant. Why don't you just tell us?
[378] but the previous sentence states that you already arrived!
[379] tns: past
[380] ww: the
[381] ww: on a
[382]
wo: place this after after.
[383] punc
[384] ŬßÒ ĝċßŬ
[385] SVA
[386] punc
[387] tns: past
[388] Title?
[389] punc
[390] Is there any reason to emphasize both of these? Is this appropriate for a topic sentence? By the end of the paragraph, you are in the U.S.!
[391] +the
[392] Is this the name of the school, as in the University of California? or is this a school and a city, as in Cal Poly, in San Luis Obispo?
[393] This word has too many meanings; substitute a more precise synonym.
[394] a/an + sg cn
[395] ww: in + month (on + date)
[396] If you had not finished it, can you honestly say you designed it? Or did you begin to design it?
[397] unclear:company? in VN? In the US?
[398] this and other project s in VN?
[399] ww: began studying at college (went to the college = visited the college campus)
[400] ww
[401] and or semicolon. Use but to show contrast.
[402] ww: permission to work
[403] Conclusion? What idea do you want to leave in the readerıs mind?
[404] tns: pres perf
[405] + center
[406] cs
[407] + of (to take care of sbdy/sthg)
[408] wo: what we should
[409] ww: or (neg verb + or + neg v)
[410] wo
[411] Wordy. Shorten this sentence: delete the first clause; delete the last prep phrases.
[412] prep: at + clock time
[413] babytalk use an academic synoynom
[414] ww: Neither nor had exp doing
[415] ww: other?
[416] wf: obj pron
[417] ww: had
[418] to see sbdy + ger (or base form)
[419][419] ww: out of hunger
[420] see above
[421] see above
[422] wf: inf
[423] tns: past
[424] ww: colloquial (appropriate for spoken but not formal academic language)
[425] ww: at
[426] ww
[427] ww: whatever kindness I tried to offer them
[428] tns: past
[429] wf: n
[430] omit
[431] tns, ww, punc: experienced!
[432] the = definite article. What ap? You didnıt specify any one application.
[433] punc
[434] Did you personally keep?
[435] omit
[436] explain
[437] Logic?
[438] punc. A, B, and C. A and B.
[439] + verb
[440] This is a habitual present action, not a past action.
[441] ww. too= excessively
[442] omit
[443] cap
[444] tns: past perf
[445] tns: past
[446] of what? (to take advantage of sthg)
[447] as many f p as I could
[448] ww: outside? at
[449] cap
[450] the changing
[451] n pl
[452] + S
[453] sp
[454] on a particular Sat? on Saturdays? Why mention the day here?:
[455] sg. Use sg n as a modifier.
[456] Cap
[457] punc
[458] a/an + sg cn
[459] punc
[460] omit
[461] punc
[462] punc
[463] I hope I will visit (fut possible) or I wish I could visit (not likely)
[464] What is the sequence of events? Did you like your work first, make new friends second, start working at N.A third???
[465] Tns: general truth present -- still true, not past
[466] Tns: general truth present -- still true, not past
[467] tns: pres prog -- isnıt this still happening?
[468] tns: pres, pres prog
[469] tns: pres perf
[470] omit; growth = ncn
[471] future prediction. This paragraph is supposed to be about actions in the past time frame.
[472] ww: said that he was committed to
[473] wf: poss
[474] cs
[475] +aux
[476] sp
[477] vague/weak
[478] Conclusion?
[479] hit= vt (no prep)
[480] sp
[481] ww: A tremendously painful bump erupted.
[482] sp
[483] ww: performed surgery
[484] omit; donıt use prep + adv phr
[485] wo: move this to the end or beginning.
[486] omit; surgery=ncn
[487] omit
[488] (I) thank
[489] See above.
[490] Most people have two parents , a mother and a father, and perhaps step-parents. Do you mean relatives?
[491] Use the full form the first time; after that you may use the abbreviation,
[492] A date is a single day; a weekend is at least two days. that time, that weekend, those days
[493]
See above.
[494] full form
[495] no cap
[496] ww: very
[497] ww: on/for
[498] ww: in + a city
[499] wo
[500] tns: past
[501] and asked us (keep both verbs active)
[502] tns: past perf
[503] Add a transition of contrast: life, but by
[504] wf: I was so embarrassed
[505] than my mother OR than I had planned OR the next morning
[506] sp, art: for a
[507] wf, sp: inf
[508] wf: n compound: car key
[509] neg: did not even say OR left without even saying
[510] What kind of feeling?
[511] ww
[512] Capitalize only the first letter of important words (n, v, adj, adv) in a title. a/an + sg cn
[513] ww: drive a care
[514] omit this prep phr; the other time phrases are sufficient.
[515] after what?
[516] ww: inf
[517] punc: comma
[518] pl cn
[519] Why this word?
[520] ww: and told me
[521] wf: inf
[522] def art
[523] wf: v, tns: past perf
[524] tns: past perf
[525] ww
[526] ww
[527] tns: past
[528] punc
[529] cap
[530] punc
[531] art
[532] tns: past, wf: vi + prep
[533] wf: obj
[534] wf: base form
[535] tns: past.
[536] wf: base form
[537] sp
[538] What do you mean? If you passed, you could drive by yourself.
[539] ww: for OR personalize this: As for stud, I had a difficult time
[540] sg/pl
[541] Past tns to specify your situation (unless you have a reason for generalizing w/ pres tns)
[542] wf: adj (<pp)
[543] wf: to have sbdy + base form
[544] Itıs better to separate this long sentence into three sentences.
[545] tns: past
[546] ww. This sounds like you are on a power trip -- probably not the impression you want to give?
[547] wf: poss
[548] that = what?