Week 6 Writing Assignment: Due date: 11 pm Thu Mar 11.
Write a paragraph of 150-175 words using different action
verbs in the general truth time frame. (Refer to AEG Chapter 3).Use third
person subjects. Use at least one of each sentence type, in any order: simple,
compound, complex, and compound-complex. Pay attention to SVA and SPA. Possible topics: a basic scientific
principle or a basic principle in your field of study of work; a regularly
occurring procedure, activity, or event in your job, your workplace, your
college, or your community.
Correction Symbols http://www.missioncollege.org/depts/esl/65/Correct.html
Contents: Paragraph
in the General Truth Time Frame 1
1. Sharks cartilage and
cancer................................................................................. 1
2. How To Create a
Mechanical Artwork.................................................................. 2
3. A Regular Day With
the Bautistas Family........................................................... 3
4. How to fight stress.................................................................................................. 4
5. Clean Room Protocol
Class................................................................................. 4
6. My Office.................................................................................................................... 5
7. My Three Years Old
Niece..................................................................................... 7
8. Ying Chen_General
TruthTime Frame................................................................ 7
9. Mission College....................................................................................................... 8
10. Plants make their
own food................................................................................ 9
11. MY COLLEGE...................................................................................................... 10
12. Orchids................................................................................................................. 11
13. Mary's Dream....................................................................................................... 12
14. Diwali, the
Festival of Lights............................................................................. 13
15. Who Are Architects?........................................................................................... 14
16. Being a good writer............................................................................................ 15
17. Environmental
awareness................................................................................ 15
18. Is software really
soft?....................................................................................... 16
19. Highway 101........................................................................................................ 17
20. The Trip of A
picture imagine............................................................................ 18
21. A Standard Surgical
Procedure........................................................................ 19
22. Being a Toastmaster......................................................................................... 20
23. Lighting................................................................................................................. 21
24. Want To Be A
GrandPrix Driver??.................................................................... 21
For many years,
people have thought that sharks do not suffer cancer and they attribute their
resistance to a substance in its[2]
cartilage.[3]
This information has been diffused[4]
by companies who produce sharks[5]
cartilage capsules. In the past ten years, these companies have sold millions
of capsules promoting them as the[6]
cure for cancer. Different studies confirm that sharks do get cancer even in
their cartilage but the incidence of it is impressively low.[7]
Scientists also say that there are no proofs[8]
to believe[9]
that cartilage is the reason of[10]
this low incidence. Other research results conclude that the cancer remission
rates from treated patients are the same before and after taking the pills. We
can conclude that there is no base[11]
to believe that shark cartilage can be a cure for cancer. Scientists should
keep doing researches[12]
to find the real reason why sharks have low incidence[13]
of cancer.
150 words. This is an excellent paragraph on the lack of proof that shark cartilage cures cancer. The paragraph contains many sentence types, a great deal of academic vocabulary, especially academic verbs (attribute promoting confirm incidence conclude research incidence), and the sentence structure is excellent. The present perfect is used in the first two sentences (have thought, have sold) to set the background for the information that follows. The simple present is used thereafter (confirm, get, say, conclude), but more present tense verbs could be used, e.g., exists, need (to continue.
Score: 10
A mechanical artwork is a common term in the graphic design field that means a printable and refined artwork for press. Nowadays most graphic designers develop and create their artwork digitally. After a designer satisfies[15] with his or her design, the raw design file is transferred to a production artist. The artist refines any rough elements or graphics to be smooth and makes the artwork less problematic when it goes to an actual press. The problems can be anything from a misalignment between graphics to typographic errors. A color separation is also very important part[16] of the mechanical production. The designer classifies and selects colors for the printing; the choice can be up to 11 colors. That selection is directly reflected to[17] the artwork. The artist indicates each design element with a specific color so that a printer understands what the designer wants. Once the mechanical file is completed, the artist releases the file along with sample color swatches to a printer for the final printing.
166 words. This is an excellent paragraph that describes the
process of creating mechanical artwork for press. All of the sentences use
third person subjects and present tense verbs. The sentence structure is
excellent, and the plentiful academic vocabulary is well-chosen and includes
strong action verbs (design, indicates, releases, refines, create, is
completed, file, designers, transferred, elements, selects, errors, selection,
specific, final)
Score: 10
The Bautistas[20] family live[21] in a small town in Mexico. Mr. Bautista is an accountant. He gets up early in the morning, and then he drives to his office every day except on Mondays. He usually has a lot of work at the office. When he gets home he likes to relax an[22] read his newspaper before dinner. Mrs. Bautista is a nurse. She works in a hospital, and she teaches preventive health programs as a volunteer in a community center. The Bautistas have 3[23] teenage children. Their son Abraham[24] is 17 years old. He is studying [25]high school. When he finishes this term, he will be a senior. Vanessa es[26] 15 years old. She is also a student at the local high school. She loves dance and music, but math and science are really difficult to[27] her. Sylvia es[28] 12. She is the most dedicated of them[29]. If she continues being student number one, she will have plenty of opportunities to get a good scholarship.
165 words. This paragraph describes the Bautista family in a simple manner, and within the word limit. The first part starts out with a few actions (live, gets up, drives), but the vast majority of sentences use stative verbs (be, have. love) to describe the family instead of telling what each person actually does. There are three academic words (volunteer, community, relax). The sentence structure is very good; with stronger academic vocabulary, it can be even better.
Score: 9
Everybody has stress in their life. Some people face more stress than other due to varieties[31] of factors. According to researches[32], food is a powerful medicine that can help you fight the effect[33] of the stress. Sometimes eating to[34] much of [35]wrong food make[36] you sick and feel more[37] tire[38]. Choosing your food in a proper way is primordial[39] because your body requires the right balance to be healthy. Therefore[40], eating the right proportion of food helps to minimize stress. Every kind of dark green leafy vegetables[41] reduce[42] these effects[43]. Fruits, grains and nuts also help. Up to a cup of mashed potatoes give more comfort. Whole grain crackers induce a sense of calm and may help to relieve depression. A cup of cereal gives more substained[44] energy and clearer thinking during the day. Finally, four ounces of salmon and[45] a half can of sardine[46] help reduce the risks of depression and irritability. Incorporating some of those elements of nutrition in your routine[47] help[48] prevent stress in your life.
169 words. This is a very good paragraph that is academic in
nature, uses only third person subjects and verbs, and gives information about
the way the choice of food can decrease the negative effects of stress on the
body. It uses a great deal of academic vocabulary, including action verbs
(researches, requires, minimize, induce, energy, incorporating, factors, stress,
depression, finally, proportion, elements). Watch for subject-verb agreement,
especially when the subject and verb are separated by a prepositional phrase.
Score: 9
Western Digital a
disk drive company[49]
has as[50]
a clean room facility that is designated as class 100[51].
In order to maintain a clean room environment, documented specifications are
established[52] to prevent
contamination in the wafer fabrication area. Before anyone is allowed to enter
any clean room facilities, all personnel including Vendors and Contractors[53]
must attend a Clean room Protocol Class[54].
A clean room Specialist[55]
teaches the class every week. The class contains[56]
a maximum of fifteen to a minimum of two students[57],
and the sessions are[58]
for about 3-4[59] days. The
class covers guidelines from basic to[60]
major procedure[61] that are
according to[62] the
documented specification[63]
of the company. It[64]
can be[65]
a simple procedure from house keeping[66]
and emergency exits to chemical handling and waste disposal, but it mainly
emphasizes step-by-step procedure[67]
for entering the fabrication area. Upon completion of the class, personnel are
given a written exam and certified, then[68]
are allowed to enter the fabrication area.
163 words. This paragraph successfully describes a class that employees and visitors must take before being allowed to enter a clean room at a fabrication. The information is presented in a logical order, and the overall sentence structure is very good. The verbs in the general truth time frame are properly used in almost all cases. A wealth of academic vocabulary is used, including a few verbs (emphasizes, is, designated, area, facility, guidelines, maintain, environment, major, procedure, minimum, maximum, documented, protocol, documented, chemical, specification, procedure, disposal, contractors, area, facilities, established).
Score: 9
My office symbol[69] is neat and clean, so everything in the office is perfectly[70] and neatly[71]. Usually, I work 8[72] hours a day, but sometimes it takes[73] longer. Every morning I have to turn off the door alarm when I come in the office; otherwise, the alarm ring[74] and the police will come right away. If the alarm rings more than three times, the office will get the[75] ticket from the police department. That[76] is the first and important[77] thing that I have to remember. I check all the electrical energy systems like X-ray machine[78],[79] sterilize[80] machine to make sure that all of them are off before I leave. Recently, OSHA(occupational safety and heath administration[81]) require[82] employees learn[83] and [84]test about the infection control regulations, and a copy of this regulation shall be posted[85] in each dental office. Therefore, my doctor sets[86] more new rules for employees to follow the dental board[87]. My office is kind of good service[88], so many people like to come to my place of work[89]
175 words. Some of the clauses in
this paragraph are grammatical, and there are some good academic words, but
only one is a verb (energy, occupational, require, regulations,
administration). In terms of overall grammar, not even one of the sentences is
completely error-free. Regarding content, a good paragraph should one single
main idea. The sentences in this paragraph do not. They vary in content from a
description of the office to some actions that you do, to safety requirements;
in short, it is not unified. The meaning of office is unclear. What kind of office are you describing? Is it
your personal office in a business or school or institute? If it is a dental
office, state that at the beginning. The instructions require third person
subjects. However, this paragraph uses first person pronouns ³I² and ³my² 10 times
and third person only 8 times. Instead of writing about your actions, you
should write about someone elseıs actions. Yes, use action verbs.
Tell what a person does on a regular, habitual, customary basis. Donıt tell
about the past or the future. Stay in the general truth present.
Score: 6
My sister-in-law has a three years old[91] daughter, and her name is Grace. She is a cute and smart girl that every body[92] will love[93] her[94] at the first sight. She can speak three different languages: Cantonese, Vietnamese and English. She usually speaks Cantonese to her mother, aunts and grandparents, Vietnamese to her father, and English to her cousins and schoolmates. She is going to Preschool[95] in Morgan Hill this year. Every morning she brushes her teeth by herself. Her mother will help[96] her to change the street cloth[97] and prepare[98] breakfast for her. She doesnıt like to go to school much because sheıs too shy to meet her[99] new friends. She cries most of the time in school; therefore, her teacher has to soothe her by hugging her every day. However, after getting back from school, sheıs very naughty and acts like a queen when she plays with her two elder cousins. Nonetheless, sheıs an intelligent and charming girl, and I think she will be an outstanding girl among the children in our families when she grows up.
179 words. This is a well-written unified paragraph about your adorable three-year-old niece. There is a good variety of sentence structure, and most of the verbs are used in the correct form. The topic is not very academic, though. The vocabulary is very basic (have, be, go, like), with only two academic words, neither of which is a verb (nevertheless, intelligent). This paragraph can be improved by establishing a more academic focus and using strong vocabulary, including action verbs.
Score: 9
Every Saturday, we[101] sleep later[102] because we donıt need to work or go to school. My husband, Hao[103] and my son, Owen, usually sleep till 10:00 am in the morning, but I always wake up at 9:30 am because I need to prepare our breakfast. Every time I need to cook three different dishes because we all have different tastes. Hao likes to eat American food in the morning. I like to eat Chinese food, and I give Owen nutritional[104] food that like[105] noodles with meat, vegetables and seafood. Even though Owen only eats[106] a half bowl of food, I usually speed[107] one hour to feed[108] him. Hao and I hope he begin[109] to feed himself soon. Also[110] we bring[111] Owen to a park, which is the nearest[112] our house. Owen enjoys playing with other kids[113], and Hao always follows Owen and watches him everywhere he goes. I often talk to other mothers at the part[114] about our kids and families.
161 words. The first person (I, we) is used about 12 times, which is contrary to the instructions to use third person subjects and verbs. Some sentences are grammatical; however, the vocabulary is quite basic and limited (need, like, have, eat). In fact, none of the vocabulary used is academic, and the topic is not academic or professional.
Score: 7
Many students satisfy[116] Mission Collegeıs environment, curriculum, study tools and its capable faculties[117], so they come from different area[118],[119] even some[120] live far away. However, its disadvantages that student[121] has recognized affect their interest to stay here[122]. As an example[123], although it[124] provides child care services in[125] campus, it canıt correctly[126] benefit[127] to its students, especially some sing[128] parents[129] because most of its[130] course[131] schedules[132] list[133] in[134] evening or [135]night time, and its child care center close[136] at 6:00 PM. Furthermore, its[137] bookstoreıs book buy back[138] and book return policy[139] is unfair. Every semester, students spend too much money to buy [140]books that they need, but when they sell back booksı[141] to them[142], the incredible prices surprise its student.(the recycle price)[143]. Also, its[144] bookstore should let students to return[145] their books in[146] a longer time period if they keep their books in good condition, or[147] the student who[148] wants to change his class. In brief, if Mission College plan[149] its course schedules in flexible way, it would be perfect.[150]
169 words. This paragraph complains about problems that students face using the child care center and the bookstore at Mission College. It is admirable that numerous academic words are used (capable, area, affect, benefit, schedules, furthermore, policy, period, brief, flexible). However, there are errors in word usage of these words (e.g., benefit + O) and of many basic words and phrases (e.g., ³in the evening² and ³on campus²). Several sentences are structurally defective: the ICs and DCs are not dearly identifiable.
In fact, not even one of the sentences is completely error-free.
Score: 6
There are more
than 335,000 know[152]
plant species. Plants grow in most parts of the world. Plants grows[153]
in a particular place depends[154]
on the climate and the type of soil there is to be found in the area. Many
plants make their own food. In the process[155]
they create oxygen and use up carbon dioxide. When a plant makes food[156]
it mixes carbon dioxide from the air with minerals and water from the soil. The
process is called photosynthesis. When animals breathe[157]
they give out[158] carbon
dioxide. Plants rely on this supply for making their food. During
photosynthesis[159]
plants make oxygen and pass[160]
into the air. Animals rely on this oxygen supply. Most plants contain a green
substance called chlorophyll, which absorbs sunlight. The plants use this
energy to make their own food.
134 words. This paragraph on an academic topic describes photosynthesis using eight simple sentences and four complex sentences (no other sentence types). Third person subjects and verbs are used accurately in almost all of the sentences. Some academic vocabulary is used, but none are verbs (area, process, create, rely, energy). The paragraph is short and does not meet the minimum requirement of 150 to 175 words. Additional details, transitions and sentence combinations can improve this paragraph.
Score: 8
I go[162]
Mission College.My house is about 7 minutes driving[163].
I love this school because it is very convenient for my driving, [164]and
save time[165] also[166]
gas. Besides this convenience,there are different attractions[167]
as most of teachers[168]
and couselors[169]
are nice.They are always help[170]
everyone by their enthusiasm.[171]
If you have any problem that you don't understand you can make appointment with
cousellors[172] to ask
them.Every cousellor[173]
works in the[174] separate
room;however,she or he often talks with some[175]
people in[176] a
time.Futhermore[177],
Mission College not [178]
only teach[179]
majors,but also has ESL programs[180].The
importance is not discrimination among human races[181].In
short, Mission College is a school I love. I study[182]
in this school [183]almost
two years.I go to school for four days a week ,and most of times[184]
without school uses[185]
for my homework, take care my niece and clean my house.[186]
145 words. This group of sentences attempts to describe
reasons why the writer likes Mission College. It does not meet the criteria of
the assignment. The sentences are not grouped into one unified paragraph of
150-175 words. The sentences do not use third person subjects and action verbs
to describe a basic principle, a regularly occurring event, procedure or
activity in the general truth time frame. There is not even one error-free
sentence; each sentence contains errors of logic, sentence structure, word
choice, word form, and mechanics. The writer is advised to seek help during
office hours and attend grammar workshops and tutoring in the LATC (Rm S2-201).
Score: 5
Orchids are the
most fascinating, beautiful and mysterious flowers in the world. They usually
blossom for long time[187],
as long as two to three months. No other group of plants commands as much
fanatic devotion as orchids. Orchid petals have unique shapes, and[188]
thicker than other flower petals. Orchids colors[189]
seem like small paintings. No other flower has been the object of such intense
interest or the subject of considerable mythology, much of it fanciful in the
extreme[190].
Originally, orchids grow[191]
on trees in the jungle. People adapt[192]
orchids to grow in their houses, with a grounding in the basics of potting
mixes, containers, and mounting orchids on a slab of bark or tree fern fiber.[193]
Orchids families are huge, but there is one kind called phalaenopsis orchids
which are the easiest of the common orchids to grow in the home. They are a
relatively small, attractive plant, and have an unusually impressive display of
flowers on them. Phalaenopsis orchids usually need water once week, and plant
food once a month. Also, keep them in a place with morning sun shine. Next,
establishing a feeding and watering schedule with which both you and your plant
can live. Donıt be afraid to grow orchids at your home, and enjoy the amazing
flower - orchids.
213 words. The writer apparently appreciates the beauty of
orchids and uses colorful vocabulary and unusual sentence structure to describe
them in fact, it is too unusual. In comparison to the writerıs own writing
and speaking ability, it is obvious to the instructor that the words in this
paragraph do not come from the writer. Many of the phrases appear to be taken
from publications and mixed with parts of sentences written by the student,
with an awkward result in some cases. Moreover, at the end of this excessively
long paragraph, the sentences no longer explain, but instead they prescribe
what the reader should do, which definitely does not follow the directions. To
fit the criteria of the writing assignment, the writer should describe a basic
scientific principle or a regularly occurring procedure, activity, or event
using action verbs in the general truth present tense. Furthermore, the writer
must avoid copying sentences from others, i.e., plagiarism[194].
Score: 4
Mary writes software code. She goes to work and school on weekdays.[195] She spends most of her time at work[196] so she is left with limited[197] for her schoolwork. She made a commitment[198] that after her work[199], she will study. Mary thinks that earning money should be a priority. Although,[200] she is earns[201] good money, Mary is still unhappy. Mary will not be happier unless she knows and appreciates her job and things that she has in life.[202][203]
Although Mary has a good paying job, she still plans to make some changes[204], and she wants her family to support her decision[205]. Because it[206] is hard and time consuming, Mary likes to pursue her plans, but she has to stick to it[207] in order to succeed. Maryıs mother encourages her to become successful. Maryıs father also supports her. Mary must stick to her plan and follow her dreams. She is a fine lady and many good things in life will come to her.
162 words. Individually, many of the sentences are
grammatical, but they are rather disjointed as a paragraph (formatted as 2
para). How does writing software code fit in with the rest of the paragraph?
Thereıs a contradiction between ³commitmentstudy² and ³money priority². After
reading the whole paragraph several times, I still do not know what Maryıs
dream is. What do the words ³dream, plan, decision² refer to? Write with action
verbs (not stative/non-action verbs). To fit the criteria of the writing
assignment, the writer should describe a basic scientific principle or a
regularly occurring procedure, activity, or event using action verbs in the
general truth present tense.
Score: 7
Festivals are an
integral part of Indian culture. Although there are festivals of[208]
every occasion, religious festivals are observed with more fervor[209].
Dewaali,[210] the
festival of lights, is the most beautiful religious festival celebrated by
Indians not only in India, but by Indians all over the world. The legends
behind the festival are as varied as the manner of its celebration, but common
to all of them are the themes of the triumph of good over evil and the victory
of light over darkness. The celebrations commence with the cleaning and
decorating of homes. All homes, shops and office buildings are illuminated with
special kinds of lamps, and families light fireworks with their young ones.
Relatives also gather to exchange sweets and offer prayers to many different
deities; the most common deity for this occasion is Laxmi, who is considered to
be the goddess of wealth and prosperity. This festival of lights unites Indian
people in a unique way.
159 words. This paragraph describes key features of Diwali in
a clear and concise way. The error-free sentences vary in type and utilize six
words from the academic word list (Integral, culture, varied, themes, commence,
unique). The frequent use of the stative verb BE to describe conditions could
be revised to emphasize action instead, e.g. Festivals are => Festivals
form, comprise. legends are as varied as => legends vary as much as.
Perhaps you could add a detail, a short phrase, to explain why/how this
festival unites Indians in a unique way.
Score: 10
Not all people know about architectıs[212] jobs: what architects do and how they are different from constructors. In general, architects are ones who create the look of most towns and cities over the world. Three types of architects who contribute to the creation of a cityıs look are: planning and urban, building designing, and landscape architects. Planning and urban architects are those who design the overall layout of a city including traffic system such as freeways and streets, and functional divisions such as residential, commercial, and industrial areas. Building designing architects are those who design buildings on those areas according to the cityıs approval planning such as houses and apartments on residential areas, shopping malls and offices on commercial areas, and factories on the industrial areas. Landscape architects follow the buildingsı plan to design the landscape around the building composing of fountains, statues, sculptures, lawns, plants, trees and so on. Those architectsı jobs are totally different from those of constructors or builders. Architects only design the building; how it looks like[213] and how it functions to serve live-in[214] peopleıs needs and wants. Their products (to get money from clients)[215] are drawings[216] not building[217]. In contrast to architects, constructors or construction companies are those who literally build the buildings based on the architectıs designing drawings. Both architect[218] and constructors have to co-operate to create the architecture of a city, region or even a country.
233 words in extreme excess of the word limit. Too wordy! This writer has a lot of knowledge about the topic but needs to select the best 150 to 175 words to explain the different types of architects concisely. The sentences, individually, are not bad, but together they create a wordy and heavy paragraph. Get rid of unnecessary relative clauses such as ³architects are those who design² => architects design (at least 5). Use short synonymous phrases, e.g., Not all => Few, or all people =>everyone. are different => differ. Delete repetitive phrases. Hereıs an example of how to cut a 17-word sentence to 15 words: Few people know what architects do and how they differ from constructors. The bountiful academic vocabulary is great - keep it! (jobs, create, contribute, creation, designing, design, overall, functional, residential, areas, contrast, construction, co-operate, region).
Score: 8
According to some guidelines, when facing writing problems, the writer only needs to deliver ideas to his reader with simple and clear messages unless he aspires to be a professional writer; in addition, he can find a writing direction by developing his ideas. A good writer should use details that can help to express ideas so that the readers can comprehend easily. On the other hand, he should avoid any unnecessary details which can confuse the reader and should organize details in a way that the reader can pick up the main idea clearly. Often, students lack enough vocabularies[220] or donıt have sufficient knowledge of the subject. If the writer has a sentence-fluency problem, his readers will be obstructed from understanding the main point of story. In referencing[221] to the above suggestions, a good writer should follow guidelines and practices to improve his writing skill.
This paragraph about writing would be an appropriate for modals (Ch 5), as it gives advice and tells possibilities (can, should, can should, can, can, should, will). Although it contains good ideas in clearly written sentences, this paragraph does not meet the criteria for this assignment on general truth present tense (Ch 3). It does not describe or explain a principle, a process, a habit, custom, or a regularly occurring event or activity using present tense action verbs. The writer is advised to choose a topic that is suitable for the objectives of the writing assignment.
Score: 7
How to encourage[222]
the[223]
children to be aware of their surrounding natural environment effectively?
Gardening.[224] Gardening
together with parents or knowledge[225]
adult[226] is the
best way to encourage interaction and participation in children. It helps to
cement t[227] the bond
between the children and the parents. Parents should allow their children to
investigate[228] about
plants, birds or surrounding natural environment to reward little childrenıs
curiosity. To experience together in identifying[229]
plants, flowers, and fruit around the neighbor[230],
smelling the fragrant[231]
of the lavenderıs[232]
flowers or rosemaryıs[233]
leaves, or collecting acorns under oak trees, provides excellent family
interaction and participation. The excitement and pleasure from very single and
simple discovery such as inspecting the transformation in life stage of
butterfly, watching finches collect twigs to make nest, observing young chick
learn to fly, or examining strand of algae in the pond. These essential
experiences will bring back the pleasant memories when a child grows up. They
will protect, preserve and respect their surround natural environment and other
species habitats.
168 words. This paragraph encourages adults to engage children in gardening. Thereıs a lot of description, including a good range of academic vocabulary (aware, environment, adult, interaction, participation, bond, investigate, identifying, interaction, participation, inspecting, transformation), though grammatical errors abound (the ones in the second half are not marked). This paragraph would be an appropriate topic for modals (Ch 5), as it suggests and tells what will happen if the readers follow the writerıs advice. It does not meet the criteria for this assignment on general truth present tense (Ch 3) as it does not describe or explain a principle, a process, a habit, custom, or a regularly occurring event or activity using present tense verbs. To fit the criteria of the writing assignment, the writer should describe a basic scientific principle or a regularly occurring procedure, activity, or event using action verbs in the general truth present tense.
Score: 6
Many people use
computer[235] at home.
It is interesting to know that what we call ³computer[236]²
indeed is a computer system. Computer system consists of hardware and software.
Hardware is what we can see and what we can touch. As usual[237]
hardware is a couple of boxes at[238]
our flour[239] or at[240]
our desk. It is made of silicon, metal, plastic, magnet[241]
and many, many more[242].
It is produced once at the factory and you cannot change it. Most interesting[243]
part of computer system[244]
is software. Yes, it is soft. When you start your computer, software starts working
for you, and now you can change it if you wish. Why do we need software? Well,
because you can put logic in it. This logic controls your hardware. Do you want
to have a calculator which counts in decimal numeration? Just create a program.
Do you want a calculator which counts in hex? Just change this program. It is
not necessary to buy new calculator every time you want something more. How
difficult to change it? It depends on what kind of software do you want to
change. There are so many different software layers between hardware and what
we see at the screen. Then closer is your software to hardware, then more
difficult to change it. We almost never change software in our cell phone, but
our word processor changes very quickly. The computer has been developed in
1945. And they are still very helpful and popular because they are half-soft.
251 words far in excess of the limit. The title implies that the ³softness² of software will be discussed, but in fact, the paragraph touches on too many other topics. The writer may know a lot about computers but must select the most essential 150 to 175 words about a process, perhaps one that involves software. Instead of a conversation (there are at least four questions), write a unified academic paragraph that describes or explains a procedure, process or principle using action verbs. Use third person subjects and verbs, not first or second person. Academic words used in this paragraph: computer, create, logic, layers, couple.
Score 7
Highway 101 is
one of the most important highways of the Bay Area. The commuters[245]
take 101 to go to the North Bay Area[246]
such as San Mateo,[247]
or San Francisco [248]
It takes at least one hour[249]
to one and a half [250]each
way from San Jose to San Mateo depending on the traffic hours.
[251]Driving in the[252]
highway 101 requires a lot of paying attention, and being patient as well.[253]
The drivers[254] usually
see an accident almost every day[255].
Most of the accidents happen when the drivers donıt keep enough distance
between their two cars. As a result, if one car suddenly stops, then the others[256]
cars will hit together[257]
as [258]a
domino game. Currently, Highway 101 has been developed some major
constructions.[259]
For example they[260]
are building few[261]
more exists[262],[263]
and cutting tree[264]
to make the road be[265]
wider; therefore[266]
the traffic becomes[267]
worse in the morning,[268]
and evening. However, when the project is done, Highway 101 will become a
favorite highway for the commuters.
165 words. This paragraph describes the traffic on (part of) Highway 101. The verbs in the general truth, present and future time frames are used correctly. Some academic vocabulary is used, but including only one verb (project, major, constructions, requires, area). To improve the paragraph, add one or two more details with actions verbs in the general time frame, and edit the errors marked.
Score: 8
A[270] picture imagine[271] we see on the screen of the[272] TV is not able to travel from a studio[273] to our house. The imagine[274] must be changed into an electronic signal, and then the electronic signal is processed electrically in several steps. First, the signal is amplified, for it is very weak after the photoelectric change[275] takes place. Then, the amplified electronic signal is coded or modulated. Now the code[276] signal can travel[277]. Before the signal starts to travel, it has to go through power amplifier[278] to gain enough power for its trip. After that, the powerful electronic imagine[279] signal is transmitted from a huge antenna tower into the[280] space in the way[281] of electromagnetic waves and spreads out toward us. However, if we live far away from the transmitting station, there is a relay station in the middle of the way[282] to amplify the signal again. Finally, we can see the original picture imagine[283] in[284] home after the TV receives, decodes, and transforms the electronic signal back to the[285] imagine[286] signal.
172 words. This paragraph describes how a picture image is broadcast from a television studio to a TV set in oneıs home. The sentences present the information in a logical sequence from beginning to end. The key word, image, is used in the wrong form throughout the paragraph, which was confusing and required me to re-read the paragraph several times. In fact, word form and word choice errors prevent any of the sentences from being error-free. The verb forms are all correct, and academic vocabulary is used (processed, transforms, finally, transmitting, coded, transmitted, code).
Score: 8
My brother-in-law
is a third-year medical student in Vietnam. He now often is in surgery[287]
to learn how an operation proceeds. The first thing he must to learn[288]
is[289]
the standard surgical procedure such as how to sterilize himself. First, he
changes[290] his usual
clothes and puts on another[291]
clothes that are used in the hospital only before coming[292]
in the surgical area[293].
Then he brushes and washes his hands under running water with soap[294].
It takes about 15 minutes. The important thing now is[295]
that he must keep his hands always[296]
up right[297] after
washing them. Next, he is able to be[298]
in surgery[299] and cleans
his hands again with sterilizing solution such as light alcohol. Finally, he
puts on a surgical clothes[300]
and a pair of gloves that are sterilized, and then, he is now[301]
ready for an operation.[302]
141 words. This paragraph (first posted to the wrong forum)
describes the procedure that a medical student follows before entering an area
where surgery is to be performed. The steps are in a logical order. Many
general truth verbs are used correctly. It is unclear whether the medical
student performs or observes the operation. In fact, there it a lot of vague
wording, which results from imprecise word choice, including an excessive use
of the stative verb BE. The vocabulary
includes a few academic words (proceeds, medical, area, procedure, finally).
More details with specific language are needed to make this paragraph clearer.
Score: 8
According to a
well know[303] statistic,
the average person considers public speaking his or her number one fear; death
is[304]
second. Toastmasters International provides educational programs to help men
and women become better communicators and leaders through toastmasters[305]
clubs. The mission of the toastmasters club is to provide a mutually supportive
and positive learning environment in which every member has the opportunity to
develop communication and leadership skills club[306],
which in turn fosters self confidence[307]
and personal growth. A typical toastmasters meeting consists of opportunities
to practice prepared speeches, impromptu speeches and evaluations[308]
of speeches through listening skills. Each member also has the chance of
improving[309] his or her
leadership skills by becoming an officer. More advance[310]
speaker can compete in speech competitions. To find a club nearby, you can log
onto http://www.d4tm.org/District_4/clubs.html. There are local clubs that meet in the
morning, at lunch hours, after work or on the weekends. Find one that meets
your schedule and personal needs today.[311]
161 words. This paragraph describes the mission and benefits
of joining a Toastmasters club to improve communication. While this is a
suitable topic, the problem with this paragraph is that instead of being the
studentıs own writing, it uses without citation (i.e., plagiarizes) the exact
wording of Toastmasters International: http://www.toastmasters.org/mission.asp.
Although possibly unintended, plagiarism[312]
is considered a serious academic violation. The writer is advised to paraphrase
parts of Toastmastersı wording or otherwise compose an original paragraph using
the general truth present.
Score: 6
According to the
World Book, lighting[314]
is a huge electric spark in the sky. In the old times, some people interpreted
lighting[315] as the
weapons[316] of the
deities. Today, as we know, [317]cloud[318]
contains an immeasurable amount of water molecules. These molecules are in random
motion, and they constantly collide with one another, liberating electrons,
defined as negative[319]
charged elements. Any objects on the ground can possibly become less negative
charged items[320] compared
to this mass of electrons. A shift of these electrons from a more negative
charged region[321]
to a less negative charged area[322]
will result in an electric flash or lighting[323].
According to its shape, people name[324]
various types of lighting. Forked lighting produces an illuminating line having
several branches. Streaked lighting appears to spark in a single zigzag line.
In term[325] of its
source and destination, we have[326]
several other kinds of lighting. Intra-cloud lighting occurs within one mass of
cloud. The kind of lighting that we usually see is cloud-to-ground lighting.
165 words. This paragraph successfully describes lightning, but the writer is advised to spell the key word correctly! Most of the verbs in the general truth time frame are used correctly. Plenty of academic vocabulary is used (occurs, interpreted, constantly, defined, negative, elements, random, shift, area, negative, region, liberating, items, source).
Score: 9
Being an excellent driver means[328] how much you know about yourself.[329] Most people think driving is based on how much you know with[330] the DMVıs writing test[331] and its driving test and passing both of them[332]. To be a really good driver[333] has nothing to do with either one of them, but of course you need to obey[334] to the law because of other the drivers on the road[335]. One important factor in being an excellence[336] driver has to do with your [337]mental state; is your mind really focus[338]? The driver needs to be attentive to the road in front, to the left side, to the right side, and behind almost every so second[339]. The driver needs to be engaged[340]. One area that exceptional good drivers do[341] is to predicts or guess[342] what the others driver[343] of the cars[344] would[345] do in a normal traffic conditions[346]. This will allow you as a driver[347] to respond accordingly if there is a sudden change in the traffic condition like a car pulling in front of you suddenly.[348]
175 words. The title implies that we will read about becoming a Grand Prix driver. However, it is misleading, for nothing in the paragraph relates to the title. Instead the paragraph presents some characteristics of a good driver on ordinary roads. The register, or language type, is uneven: while some sentences use academic third person subjects and verbs (the driver needs), too many sentences are conversational (you, yourself, your second person is used at least seven times). Rewrite this in an academic tone. Review the paragraphs in the textbook to see how an academic paragraph is constructed.
3 days late. Score: 5.
[1] n compound: the first n must be sg. Cap n, v, adj, adv in title: Shark Cartilage and Cancer
[2] spa
[3] punc: IC + , + cc + IC + .
[4] ww: propagated, disseminated, distributed
[5] wf: Nouns used as modifier are singular. shoes + store = shoe store
[6] definite: the only cure: or indef: a (one) cure?
[7] punc; see above.
[8] proof=ncn
[9] ww: omit
[10] ww: reason for
[11] wf: basis
[12] ncn
[13] a/an + cn
[14] The word ³work² and its derivatives (homework, artwork, etc.) is noncount. (However, we say ³a work of art² and ³a piece of artwork².) I did a search on ³mechanical artwork² in Google and found it to be a ncn; I did not find an instance of it being a cn. So I think you had better review your sources and confirm its usage in the design field.
[15] wf: to be satisfied
[16] a/an + sg cn
[17] ww: in
[18] The paragraph does not describe a day in their life.
[19] wf: the Bautista Family or the Bautistas (the plural -s ending = family members).
[20] See above
[21] sva
[22] ww
[23] sp one ten
[24] If he is the only son, put commas around his name.
[25] + prep
[26] sp
[27] ww: for
[28] ww
[29] ww: the three children? the whole family?
[30] Cap n, v, adj, n but, actually, this is not supposed to be a ³How To² paragraph.
[31] a/an + sg
[32] ncn
[33] pl?
[34] ww
[35] +the
[36] sva
[37] wf: more than what? Why comparative?
[38] wf
[39] ww: necessary? essential?
[40] ww: Indeed, In fact
[41] sg
[42] sva
[43] The phrase ³the effects of stress² was mentioned long ago; repeat it here.
[44] sp
[45] ww? or
[46] pl
[47] what kind of routine?
[48] +modal: can? will? may?
[49] Use commas
around this appositive phrase Digital, a company, has
[50] omit
[51] This is not clear. If this designation is important, add a brief explanation.
[52] tns? Are they regularly/routinely established (pres) or have they been established already (pres perf)?
[53] Cap - Donıt capitalize common nouns, except in a title. Use commas around this appositive phrase (see above).
[54] Cap -
common nouns, e.g., a history class.
Compare a particular class: my History 1A class.
[55] Cap
[56] ww:
enrolls. Or turn the sentence around: students attend
[57] wo: Start low and go high: a minimuma maximum.
[58] Use an action verb: last
[59] sp numerals one ten
[60] basic guidelines and?
[61] pl
[62] ww: explained in?
[63] pl
[64] pron reference: it=? (not company, not class)
[65] ww: vague; revise this clause with more precise words.
[66] 1 wd
[67] pl
[68] + S
[69] ww.
[70] S + BE + adj complement
[71] same
[72] sp one ten
[73] referent: it = ?
[74] tns
[75] ww: indef art
[76] referent: that = ? The previous sg n: pol dept, ticket, office, alarm. That doesnıt logically refer to any of those nouns; use a specific subject.
[77] wf: superlative adj
[78] + def art² the machine
[79] punc, cc (compound elements: A and B)
[80] wf: Does
this word modify machine?
[81] Cap. Use the full form first; then, put the acronym in parentheses.
[82] tns: pres perf
[83] wf: inf
[84] + vt + art
[85] tns: Is it posted? pres Actually, this sentence does not belong in the paragraph.
[86] tns: pres perf. This has already happened, hasnıt it? Itıs not a habitual action or a general truth.
[87] omit last n
phr. The object of follow is rules.
[88] ww. Iım not sure what you mean to say. An office is not a service. Do you mean your office provides a service?
[89] punc
[90] wf: The daughter is three years old. She is a three-year-old girl.
[91] same
[92] sp 1 wd
[93] tns: pres (gen truth)
[94] omit. VT=love, O=that
[95] No cap, common n
[96] tns: pres
[97] ww: (change into her street clothes) => get dressed
[98] sva
[99] omit
[100] Please write an appropriate title here.
[101] pron ref: we=who? No one has been mentioned before.
[102] wf: Later than whom? or later than what? What is the comparative form used for?
[103] punc: put commas on both sides of the appositive ³Hao².
[104] wf: -ious
[105] ww: Food cannot like anything. People can like food. What do you mean?
[106] wo
[107] ww
[108] wf: ger
[109] tns: fut
[110] The present and previous sentences are not related, so ³also² is inappropriate.
[111] ww
[112] wf: base form adj
[113] colloq
[114] ww
[115] This title is too broad for the paragraph. Narrow it down.
[116] wf: S + to be satisfied with + obj
[117] ncn
[118] pl cn
[119] cs
[120] wo
[121] sg/pl?
[122] sent struc: What is the S? V? pron reference: it=? environment? curriculum?
[123] ww: For example
[124] pron ref
[125] ww: on
[126] ww
[127] VT + O
[128] ww
[129] punc: put commas on both sides of this phr.
[130] ww: the
[131] pl cn
[132] wf: passive
[133] omit
[134] +the
[135] +at
[136] sva
[137] ww: the
[138] punc: buy-back (use a hyphen, not a dash)
[139] sg/pl? Is this one policy for both or two different policies?
[140] +the
[141] punc: not poss
[142] them = ?? students? books?
[143] The meaning of the last clause is unclear.
[144] ww: the
[145] wf: base form
[146] ww: for
[147] + sub
[148] omit
[149] tns: past (hypothetical present unreal conditional)
[150] This is not a solution for the bookstore problems described in the paragraph.
[151] Cap n, v, adj, adv in a title
[152] wf: adj
[153] sva
[154] wf: ger
[155] punc: use a comma after an introductory phrase.
[156] punc: DC + , + IC + .
[157] punc
[158] ww: give off. See http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=give%20off
[159] punc
[160] VT + O
[161] Capitalize only the first letter of n, v, adj, adv. This title is too broad for the paragraph.
[162] go=VI
[163] ww: Your house cannot drive.
[164] logic & grammar: sthg is convenient for a person, not for an action.
[165] S=? and sva
[166] ww: cc
[167] ww
[168] Donıt use a line break.
[169] sp
[170] wf: no aux
[171] wf: change the prep phr to an adverb.
[172] sp. sg/pl?
[173] sp
[174] ww: a
[175] ww: several?
[176] ww: at
[177] ww: This sentence is not related to the previous one.
[178] no line break
[179] sva
[180] ww: a program/many classes
[181] What is the meaning of this sentence and its relation to the paragraph?
[182] tns: pres perf
[183] +for
[184] ?
[185] ?
[186] ? ungrammatical and unclear
[187] a/an + sg cn
[188] S+V
[189] S=? modifier=?
[190] This sentence, like many others in the paragraph, appear to be taken directly (plagiarized) from a publication.
[191] tns: past?
[192] tns: pres perf
[193] this long prep phr does not modify any of the nouns in the IC and appears to be lifted from a publication and placed inappropriately in this sentence.
[194] plagiarism n 1: a piece of writing that has been copied from someone else and is presented as being your own work 2: the act of plagiarizing; taking someone's words or ideas as if they were your own
[195] Can you join the first two sentences in a way that shows their relationship? Or are they related?
[196] punc: IC + , + cc + IC + .
[197] +n
[198] to anyone in particular?
[199] after work? (i.e., after work hours, after leaving work)
[200] punc: Never put a comma after a sub.
[201] wf: what tense? what form?
[202] meaning - knows her job? appreciates things? Itıs not clear how the verbs and objects go together.
[203] One para, not two.
[204] This is vague. What changes?
[205] to do what?
[206] pron referent: it=what? What is hard? What is time consuming? her decision? (not logical)
[207] pron ref: it=?
[208] ww: for
[209] Whatıs the comparison more than what?
[210] Use one spelling consistently.
[211] How about a noun clause instead of a question? What Architects Do
[212] a/an + sg cn but do you really need this whole phrase?
[213] omit
[214] ww?
[215] omit
[216] punc
[217] pl
[218] pl
[219] being one or becoming one?
[220] ncn
[221] wf: n
[222] This ³sentence² lacks S+V. => How can children become aware of their natural surroundings?
[223] no article children in general
[224] frag. Academic writing usually is not Q & A, like conversation. Gardening is
[225] wf: adj
[226] sg/pl?
[227] omit
[228] VT + O (no prep)
[229] awkward. => Together, identifying plants
[230] wf not the person, the place
[231] wf: n
[232] n. compound, not possessive: lavendar flowers (a kind of flower, the flower does not belong to lavendar)
[233] same
[234] Cap n, v, adj, adv
[235] a/an + sg cn. computer =cn
[236] same
[237] wf: usually
[238] ww: on
[239] ww: floor
[240] ww: on/under
[241] pl cn
[242] + n
[243] wf: superlative the most
[244] system=cn
[245] Omit art: Commuters in general; no commuters have been defined/specified to this point.
[246] ww: San Mateo is not an area; it is one of the cities in the area.
[247] punc: A or B A, B, or C
[248] Instead of trailing dots, use a period.
[249] wo: put pl form of this word after the adjectives.
[250] + inf. To take time to do sthg.
[251] Donıt start a new paragraph no line break.
[252] ww, art: on highway
[253] wf: requires attention and patience
[254] art: see above
[255] ww: Donıt use usually together with every day. Which word is more appropriate?
[256] wf: sg
[257] ww: each other
[258] + in
[259] sent struc: Consider active vs. passive and rewrite the sentence.
[260] pron reference: they = who?
[261] wf: a few
[262] ww
[263] punc: See above.
[264] sg/pl?
[265] struc: to make + obj + adj
[266] punc
[267] tns: pres perf
[268] punc
[269] Cap all n, v, adj, adv in a title. wf: n: image
[270] def art: The (definite/specific picture the one we see on a TV screen)
[271] wf: n
[272] indef art: a (any, indefinite/not specific, not previously mentioned)
[273] what kind of studio?
[274] wf
[275] What photoelectric change? The paragraph has not previously mentioned any such change.
[276] wf: adj (<pp)
[277] travel where? through the airwaves? from point X to point Y?
[278] a/an + sg cn
[279] wf
[280] omit
[281] ww. in the way ~ an obstacle. I donıt think thatıs what you mean, is it?
[282] ww: midway, adv
[283] wf
[284] ww
[285] art: an
[286] wf
[287] Word choice:: Replace the vague stative verb BE with a strong action verb phrase.
[288] wf: base form
[289] Does he do this continually? No. So, a) change the tense, or better, b) change from stative BE to an action verb.
[290] ww: changes from X (his street clothes) to Y
[291] wf: pl
[292] ww
[293] This sentence has a lot of vague words. What are those clothes called? What is the surgical area called?
[294] wo: Not under water with soap, but washes hands with soap.
[295] Reword this without stative BE.
[296] ww: If he always keeps his hands upright, he canıt perform an operation!
[297] sp: 1 wd
[298] ww: action verb
[299] Does he go, enter a specific place?
[300] pl cn donıt use a/an.
[301] then =/= now?
[302] to observe? to perform?
[303] wf: adj, sp
[304] only?
[305] Cap proper n throughout
[306] ww: develop skills (not develop club)
[307] sp: Like the first adj, this compound adj is hyphenated.
[308] ww: practice + O1, O2 and O3 (speeches, speeches and evaluations? no)
[309] wf: chance + inf
[310] wf: adj
[311] For this paragraph, avoid imperative; use declarative statements.
[312] plagiarism n 1: a piece of writing that has been copied from someone else and is presented as being your own work 2: the act of plagiarizing; taking someone's words or ideas as if they were your own
[313] ww. lignting =/= lightning
[314] ww
[315] ww Check this rhroughout the paragraph.
[316] sg ~ sg or pl ~ pl
[317] ww: we know that
[318] cn: sg/pl?
[319] wf: negative.. elements or negativelycharged?
[320] same qauestion
[321] same Q
[322] same Q
[323] spunc: Do you mean two different things, e.g. coffee or tea, or is the second noun an appositive, e.g., propogate, or distribute?
[324] tns: Do people continually rename these shapes, or has someone named them already? Should this be passive, or is the agent (passive) necessary?
[325] pl
[326] pron reference: we=?
[327] Misleading title, improper punc for formal writing.
[328] ww: depends on?:
[329] Donıt talk to the reader. Use third person S+V declarative sentences
[330] ww: know about. BE familiar with
[331] wf: A writing test is a test of oneıs writing ability (driving test). A written test is a test that you answer in written form (not oral, not by driving)
[332] wordy.
[333] a/an + sg cn
[334] vt + o (not prep)
[335] Canıt you express a stronger more precise reason for obeying the law?
[336] wf: adj
[337] whose, mine?! Use 3rd person.
[338] wf. See the general comment about register/tone.
[339] ww: every so second =?
[340] engaged in what?
[341] ww: One cannot do an area. Choose more precise vocabulary. Better yet, get rid of the structure One of.. is; just use the action verb predicts as the main verb.
[342] Omit the synonym; predict is such a common word that readers will understand it.
[343] Put the s on the n, not the adj
[344] Omit this prep phr; it is understood.
[345] tns: fut
[346] no a/an with pl cn. Why only normal conditions?
[347] Take ³you² out of the paragraph.
[348] Conclusion?