Paragraph in the general truth time frame

Fall 2004

Week 6 Writing Assignment: Post a message on the Paragraph in the general truth time frame. (30 pts) Due date: 11 pm Fri Oct 8. Write a paragraph of 150-175 words using different action verbs in the general truth time frame. Refer to AEG Chapter 3 and the academic vocabulary from Ch 1 online. Use third person subjects. Use at least one of each sentence type, in any order: simple, compound, complex, and compound-complex. Pay attention to SVA and SPA. For topic suggestions, see the syllabus.

Overall Evaluation Notes

Successfully written paragraphs describe a basic scientific principle, a situation, a person, an object, or a place in a logical and comprehensible way. They contain a variety of sentence types (simple, compound, complex, compound-complex). The sentences are error-free or contain minor errors. They use a variety of well-selected verbs to describe or explain actions or conditions that are generally or habitually true or are factual. They use third person singular and plural subjects, and the verbs agree with the subjects. The paragraphs are written in an academic and/or professional tone. They range from 150 to 175 words in length. Through word choice and sentence structure, the reader is able to visualize that which the writer describes.

Less successful paragraphs may have errors of the following types, alone or in combination:

∑ The purpose of the paragraph is unclear or incorrect.

∑ It tells the reader what to do, what happened, or what will or may happen instead of describing a principle or fact, a person, place or object. Ideas are expressed unclearly or illogically.

∑ The paragraph contains factual errors.

∑ The paragraph reads like a conversation, an advertisement, an email message, or a personal journal entry instead of an academic piece.

∑ The paragraph describes past or future events instead of focusing on general truth habitual actions and conditions.

∑ The paragraph contains short simple sentences with elementary vocabulary;

∑ The sentences lack variety and sophistication in type and word choice.

∑ The sentences overuse simple common verbs such as BE (is, are), HAVE, and DO.

∑ The writer did not edit the sentences for the most serious errors (fragments, verbs, agreement, run-ons or comma splices).

∑ The writer did not edit the sentences for the intermediate errors (parallelism, word order, word choice, word form, articles).

∑ The paragraph contains many mechanical errors (punctuation, capitalization, and spelling)

Click here to view the Correction Symbols.

In the following paragraphs, the general truth present verbs that are used with correct form and usage are indicated in bold. Words from the Academic Word List (AWL) that are used with the correct meaning are indicated in green.

Paragraphs 1-10 posted 3 AM Oct 11, 2004 1. Killer Heart Disease 2. My New Boss 3. Smoking and Lung Cancer 4. True Friendship 5. My New Neighborhood 6. My Grammar Class 7. My Father 8. Computers 9. Smoking & Health 10. Mathematics

Paragraphs 11-20 posted 1 AM Oct 14, 2004 11. Child Development 12. Work at Century Theaters 13. Global Warming 14. How to Break a Bad Habit 15. San Jose Community Center 16. Air Pollution 17. Bad Love 18. Princess Ida 19. Restaurant in Tawan 20. Attachment in Mentally Disabled

Paragraphs 21-30 posted 1 AM Oct 18, 2004 21. Saving Money 22. Autumn Moon Festival 23. Daily Journal 24. Chinese New Year 25. Fresh Air 26. Stress in Life 27. Boys will be Boys 28. My Sonπs Routine 29. Aerospace Engineering 30. Chinese School Posted Oct 31: 31. Mission College Services

1.

Date: Sun Oct 3 2004 1:17 am

Author: Chu, Charles <[email protected]>

Subject: The Number One Killer in the U. S.

Heart disease becomes[1] the number one killer in the United States.  Arteries throughout the body may be affected by hardening.  Narrowing or hardening of the coronary arteries, which encircle the heart and provide nourishment to the heart muscle, can cause chest pains and eventually a heart attack.  Generally there are no symptoms because the clot or fatty plaque, which is made of cholesterol, slowly build[2] up over a period of many years and can block 60 to 70 percent of the artery without causing any symptoms, which consist of[3] shortness of breath, chest pain, sweating, or severe fatigue with exercise.  That is why one third of all people simply die from their first heart attack [4]without even knowing that they had a heart problem, and that is why President Clinton, a person in seemingly perfect health, failed to avoid a attachment bypass heart surgery.  Prevention is better than cure.  The best thing we can do is to be more cognizant of our diets, get regular exercise, stop smoking, and treat known cardiac risk factors, such as elevated cholesterol.        

178 words. Very good information. 6 academic words. The sentences individually use very good internal structure. However, as a paragraph, they could be improved by more cohesiveness.[5] The sentences tend to be disconnected from each other; they need transitions or modification to relate the ideas: heart diseaseä arteriesähardening ≠ how are they related?

Only three action verbs are used in the simple present. Four uses of the stative verb BE.

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Date: Mon Oct 11 2004 11:51 pm

Subject: REVISION: Killer Heart Disease

Heart disease, which is basically related to coronary artery hardening, has become the number one killer in the U.S.  Hardening of coronary arteries, which encircle the heart and provide nourishment to the heart muscle, can cause chest pains and a heart attack.  Generally there are no symptoms until the hardening is quite advanced.  A clot or fatty plaque, which is made up mostly of cholesterol, slowly builds up over a period of many years and can block 60 to 70 percent of the artery and still can deliver adequate blood to maintain normal function.  Nevertheless, the danger is still there that the clogged artery will become completely blocked. When this happens, the blood supply is cut off and problems occur.  One third of people simply die from their first and also last heart attack without even knowing they had a heart problem.  That is why president Clinton, a person in seemingly perfect health, failed to avoid a attachment bypass heart surgery.  A good and balanced diet, regular exercise are quite important in preventing heart disease.            

175 words.  

20 Excellent.

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2.

Date: Sun Oct 3 2004 5:46 pm

Author: Chu, Hoang <[email protected]>

Subject: My New Boss

My new boss, having contributed her talent to our companyås new profile, is a graduate of Berkeley University. I, myself, was promoted to the Mechanical Engineer position without four years Collegeπs degree. Her first speech to her new employees wasnπt long, but I was thinking about words, coming out from her. Those seemed meaningful and precise to what we need to stimulate our goals. The following week, she spent an hour to individual worker. Her voice was soft when I was sitting in the office, but I got hit hard by her words, for example, your weekly report is lack of data and details; your project direction are vacillating with the actual condition; your statistic control of information contradicted to other statementäetc. After that day, I felt I am just a new person in this world. I wasnπt embarrassing, I have been fallen in love with her personality, instead; nevertheless, I have been woken up by a thunder after a long boring winter. I realize that spring season will come if I want it comes. .        

175 words. This paragraph does not meet the basic criteria of the assignment, i.e., to describe a person, situation, or actions in the general truth time frame. It lacks logic, unity, and coherence. There are grammatical errors of the types in the list above, but it is pointless to edit these errors because the content is inappropriate. The writer should first address the topic correctly. One possibility is to describe the boss. What are her characteristics? What are her habitual actions? Do not mix up past, present, general, and future ideas. 5

Date: Tue Oct 12 2004 9:56 amAuthor: Chu, Hoang <[email protected]>

Subject: revising: My Workplace

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My new manager position, Susan Forman, has filled in since last six months. From her first speech up to this day, I see many changes in the production lines. It is more productive because she intent to reorganize the equipment on the floor that match with the basic logic. She often asks us questions and takes note to figure out the good procedure for us. She gives everyone a chance to fit in certain position if she thinks they are good at it. She frequently checks and improves the safety environment, which is required by Californiaπs State Board. She has applied The Cross Training Method on the production line, so anyone is able to substitute the other oneπs duty in case she/he is absent. Although she speaks with the big words, but she always explains its meanings to appropriate with employeesπ knowledge to follow her new procedures. I think she confidently performs her difficult task. She plans to update our pay rate when the evaluation time comes.

167 words.

This is an improvement. The paragraph is more unified (one idea) and logical than the first one. Still, every sentence has one or more mistakes.

ww: My new manager position=> My new manager

ww: has filled in=substituted, worked temporarily. I donπt think this is your meaning, is it?

tns, prep phr => took over six months ago

tns: Fromä up to this day shows a period of time until now, so use present perfect: I have seen many changes.

SPA: lines. It is => lines. They are

There are several parts in the next clause that are confusing. I am not sure what you mean. Perhaps => because she repositioned the equipment on the floor (she reorganized the assembly procedure?) more logically.

art, wf: the California State Board of ___

ww: someone is able to perform another workerπs duty (everyone?)

complex or compound? Do not use a sub (although) & cc (but) in the same sent.

art: with big words

spa: wordsätheir meanings

wf: to appropriate=>appropriately

result clause: so that employees can understand.

wo: performs her difficult tasks (pl?) confidently

ww: increase our pay

Is the last sentence reasonable or over-optimistic?

5=>10 (13)

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3.

Date: Mon Oct 4 2004 6:38 pm

Author: Enomoto, Maria Teresa <[email protected]>

Subject: Smoking and Lung Cancer

There is enough evidence that proves that cigarette smoking is highly related to lung cancer. This disease is not limited to smokers only; people,[6] who do not smoke but stay in the same smoke[7] environment, significantly increase the[8] risk of developing lung cancer. Cigarette smoke contains many chemical agents, and researches[9] demonstrate[10] that most of them cause cancer in humans. Nicotine, one of the chemical agents in cigarettes[11] smoke, enters into the bloodstream and travels to the brain during smoking. Nicotine is a drug that is responsible for a personπs addiction to tobacco products, including cigarettes. Non-smokers are exposed to nicotine when the smoke is released from the end of a burning cigarette and the smoke is exhaled from the lungs of smokers. One of the most important things to do, in order to reduce the risk of developing of lung cancer[12], is quitting[13] smoking. The youngest[14] a person is when he decides to quit smoking, the better it is, if he wants to reduce or prevent the developing[15] of lung cancer. .        

173 words. Very good topic. 9 academic words. Coherent and unified paragraph. A variety of simple present verbs are used in both active and passive voice well. Edit the word form errors for a perfect paragraph. 19

REVISION: Smoking and Lung Cancer Enomoto, Maria Teresa

Mon Oct 11 2004 6:20 pm

There is enough evidence that proves that cigarette smoking is highly related to lung cancer. This disease is not limited to smokers only; people who do not smoke but stay in the same smoking environment significantly increase their risk of developing lung cancer. Cigarette smoke contains many chemical agents, and research proves that most of them cause cancer in humans. Nicotine, one of the chemical agents in cigarette smoke, enters into the bloodstream and travels to the brain during smoking. Nicotine is a drug that is responsible for a personπs addiction to tobacco products, including cigarettes. Non-smokers are exposed to nicotine when the smoke is released from the end of a burning cigarette and the smoke is exhaled from the lungs of smokers. One of the most important things to do in order to reduce the risk of developing lung cancer is to quit smoking. The young a person is when he decides to quit smoking, the better it is, if he wants to reduce or prevent develop of lung cancer.

Excellent. 20 Top

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4.

Date: Tue Oct 5 2004 9:29 pm

Author: Chen, Lin <[email protected]>

Subject: True Friendship

I have lots of friends in my live[16], and generally, my friends can be defined in two variables such as social relationships and heart to heart relationships[17];[18] in my opinion, the second type friendship[19] is a very precious possession, and it can be a benefit for a personπs live[20]. One of my best friends, William Chang, who is an executive chef in a Chinese-American cooperation[21] restaurant in China, is considering as an idol in my all friendships[22]. Though we are staying[23] at[24] two-difference[25] area[26], but[27] we are still take care[28] each other and help each other. When he has something[29] makes he[30] feels upset and he needs[31] talk to somebody, he will call[32] me, and we discuss a stimulus[33] on the phone until he feels better. If I have similar condition[34], I will do[35] the same. Whenever anything we need help[36], either he or I will try our best to approach the goal[37]. This individual and special friendship has been created[38] a happy attachment of live[39], and I hope it will keep forever.

174 words. 4 academic words. This paragraph contains sentences in a unified theme of friendship. However, the vocabulary ≠ word choice and word form ≠ is imprecise and needs serious attention. Read more and study how words are used by native speakers and writers. Other severe errors include verbs (e.g., are still take care), pronouns (makes he), basic sentence structure (S+ VI, S + VT+DO). There are no error-free sentences. Recommendation: attend tutoring and workshops in the LATC Rm S2-201. 11. Top

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5.

Date: Wed Oct 6 2004 5:46 pm

Author: Ho, Shih-Wei (Candice) <[email protected]>

Subject: My new neighborhood[40]

I moved to a new community two months ago.  This community is in San Jose, and it is a very friendly and nice neighborhood.  There are hills nearby[41] the residential area, and there is a large park where parents take their children to play baseball and soccer on the weekends.  This is a great location because the newly built light rail train station is just a few blocks away, and there are at least five shopping squares within the[42] 5-mile range.  I have met a few neighbors who are all engineers working in the high-tech industries[43].  Most of them are young couples with one or two kids.  The children enjoy riding their bikes on the streets after school while the mothers take the toddlers for a walk in the[44] stroller[45].  The only disadvantage is that the building material of the houses is not very good.  More and more people in the community are renovating their houses with the latest construction material, and sometimes the noise from the construction is unbearable during the day.  Luckily, no one does any construction work in the evening and people can still get a good night sleep.

194 words. 7 academic words. Exceeds word limit. The paragraph is unified and coherent. The sentences are well-written and use the general truth present. However, they use BE excessively, which makes the paragraph weaker than if it used action verbs such as offers, surrounds, play, runs, ride, causes, etc. 17

Revision: My New Neighborhood Ho, Shih-Wei (Candice)

Tue Oct 12 2004 9:51 am

I moved to a new community located in San Jose two months ago.  There are hills surrounding the residential area and a large park where parents take their children to play baseball and soccer on the weekends.  The location is so great that the newly built light rail train station is just a few blocks away, and there are at least five shopping squares within a 5-mile range.  We have met a few neighbors who are young couples with one or two kids.  The children enjoy riding their bikes on the streets after school while the mothers take the toddlers for a walk in strollers.  The only disadvantage is that the original builders did not use good building materials for the houses.  People in the community have started to renovate their houses with more updated materials and design.  Sometimes the noise from the construction is unbearable during the day.  Luckily, no one does any construction work in the evening and people can still get a good night sleep.

168 words

17=>20

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6.

Date: Wed Oct 6 2004 11:06 pm

Author: Le, Giai <[email protected]>

Subject: My Grammar Class

The 970G is the first of three classes that Iπm taking in this term. In this class, Iπm learning Applied English Grammar with Ms. Marsha Chan. I would say, this is one of the most complex and pressing issue[46], but I know it will specifically shape my understanding[47] at the end of this semester. For example,[48] I practice how to function[49] verb tenses as well as using[50] sentence structure correctly. In addition, I usually do the exercises first, and then compare the answers that have already posted[51] online. Another interesting part of the class is writing online. Online, how I love to read my classmateπs[52] paragraphs which they posted[53] on Discussing[54] Board (DB). There is varied style[55] of writing in[56] DB that surely would surprise[57] whoever interest[58] in how to compose a paragraph. We both[59], I[60] and my classmate[61], off[62] course, are making[63] a lot of errors in our writing. Conversely, we learned great deal of grammar from Ms. Chanås corrections. I recognized that I have learned from mistakes, and I actually am happy with that. (175words)

176 words. 10 academic words. This paragraph contains sentences on a unified theme. However, the use of the simple present tense to describe factual conditions and habitual actions is inconsistent. The sentences mix present, hypothetical, present progressive, past, and present perfect. Focus on habitual actions (not only states). 13

revision paragraph Le, Giai

Thu Oct 14 2004 10:10 am

Subject: My Grammar Class

The 970G is the first of three classes that I'm taking in this term. In this class, I'm learning Applied English Grammar with Ms. Marsha Chan. I would say, this is one of the most complex and pressing issues, but I know it will specifically shape my English understanding at the end of this semester. For example, I practice how to use verb tenses as well as to write sentence structure correctly. In addition, I usually do the exercises first, and then compare the answers that permanently posts online. Another interesting part of the class is writing online. Online, how I love to read my classmates paragraphs which they are posting on The Discussing Board. There is varied styles of writing on DB that surely would help whoever interests in how to compose a paragraph. We, my classmates and I, of course, make a lot of errors in our writing. Conversely, we learned great deal of grammar from Ms. Chan corrections. I recognized that I have learned from mistakes, and I actually am happy with that.

The 970G=> ESL970G (no ≥the≤)

this=class. You mean grammar, donπt you? => grammar is one of the most complex and pressing issues (not the class)

wo: my understanding of English

time phr/ww: at the end => by the end (gradually increasing from the beginning until the end of the semester)

pl cn: write sentences correctly OR write sentence structures correctly

Omit ≥In addition,≤

passive: the answers that have already posted => the answers that have already been posted

the answers that permanently posts online XXX => the answers that are permanently posted online

rel adj cl, verb tns: I love to read my classmates paragraphs which they are posting

=> I love to read the paragraphs that my classmates post

wf: The Discussing Board => ~ Dscussion Board

sva: There is varied styles => There are varied styles

that surely would help whoever interests in how to compose => whoever is interested in how ä compose

wo: We, my classmates and I, of course, make a lot of errors => Of course, my classmates and I make errors

ww: Conversely => Nevertheless

tns? we learned great deal of grammar => learn?

poss: Ms. Chan corrections => Ms. Chanπs corrections

ww, tns: I recognized that => realize

wo: I actually am happy => I am actually happy

13=> 14

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7.

Date: Thu Oct 7 2004 12:08 am

Author: Zhou, Jiali <[email protected]>

Subject: My father⁴⁰

My father is the most important person in my life. I'm the only child in my family. He concerns[64] all my things.[65]Everything he does is all for me.He works very hard and takes good care of us as well.Every morning, he gets up very early ,[66] prepare[67] breakfast for us.He always wakes me up early the same as him[68].Because[69] he wants me to have a good habit" sleep early, get up early"[70] If I don't get up, he keeps calling me until I get up, tired of [71]his voice calling. I enjoy the breakfast time with him.He usually asks me about my school work,my life, my friends and so on.If I do something wrong, he indicates my faults strictly & gives me advise[72] to improve that[73].We have a good communicatoin[74].On the other hand,[75] he is  kind & helpful. He is nice to all his friends.As long as[76] his friends have problem[77], he is willing to help them.Everyone says that I have a great father.I love him very much. I 'm pround[78] of my father that I have[79].

177 words. This content of the sentences fit the topic about your father. The vocabulary is weak. There is only one academic word, and it is not used quite correctly. Sentences are composed primarily of basic level words (including vague words: things, everything, and so on, have, get, be) and containing errors in usage. 13

REVISION: My father Zhou, Jiali

Tue Oct 12 2004 11:21 pm

My father is the most important person in my life. I'm the only child in my family. He is concerned about all my things.Everything he does is all for me.He works very hard and takes good care of us as well.Every morning, he gets up very early , prepare breakfast for us.He always wakes me up as soon as he gets up. Because he wants me to have a good habit" going to sleep early and getting up early" If I don't get up, he keeps calling me until I get up, tired of hearing his voice calling. I enjoy the breakfast time with him.He usually asks me about my school work,my life, my friends and so on.If I do something wrong, he indicates my faults strictly & gives me advise to avoid faults.We have a good communicatoin.On the other hand, he is  kind & helpful. He is nice to all his friends.Whenever his friends have problem, he is willing to help them.Everyone says that I have a great father.I love him very much. I 'm pround of my father that I have.

In the first draft, the major comment was that this paragraph does not reflect an academic topic with academic vocabulary. This revision does not change that comment. This paragraph has not corrected many errors, including SVA, fragment, sp, spacing, word choice.

13=>13

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8.

Date: Thu Oct 7 2004 12:24 am

Author: Vu, Hai van <[email protected]>

Subject: How do the students study with computer?⁴⁰

Our lives are[80] changed by computer[81]. Instead[82], today, computer⁸¹ is most[83] popular[84] in any field: economic[85], politic⁸⁵, art, music, science and of course[86] education. As[87] the[88] students are still in the Elementary[89] School⁸⁹, they are trained to be[90] familiar with c omputer⁸¹ by playing games on it[91], and their first computer lessons are[92] typing. Gradually, the teachers will teach[93] them how to use computer[94] to do their homework; it is time the student to be at Middle School.[95] When they step up to the⁸⁸ High School⁸⁹, the⁸⁸ students have to know to use different software to do their homework or their assignments[96] because today, in some High School[97]⁸⁹, the students are provided the⁸⁸ laptop⁸¹, and they use them in the⁸⁸ class,[98] they study online and the assignments are gave[99] on the[100] online[101] too. For example, in my sonπs High School⁸⁹ (Milpitas High School) they[102] have the Academy Computer Class, in which the students are taught how to work as the real boss⁸¹ with the computer⁹⁴ in the[103] company. And[104] in the summer, for practicing[105], they are referred to the⁸⁸ companies in Milpitas area[106] with[107] the⁸⁸ part time job⁸¹. Furthermore, the⁸⁸ students know how to search[108] the⁸⁸ info or material on the Internet to help them to do their project⁸¹ or their presentation⁸¹. Therefore, when they are the⁸⁸ College⁸⁹ or University ⁸⁹students, they donπt get[109] the⁸⁸ trouble or to be screwed up[110] by the⁸⁸ computer⁹⁴.

233 words. 6 different academic words with a lot of repetition. Far exceeds word limit. Good ideas. Good vocabulary. Many errors in word form, sg/pl, articles, mechanics. There is not one error-free sentence. Too wordy. Reduce to the essential ideas in150-175 words.13 Top

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9.

Date: Thu Oct 7 2004 9:19 am

Author: Tran, Thai <[email protected]>

Subject: Smoking Affects Woman's⁵⁵ and Children's Health

Smoking cigarettes is harmful to peopleπs health, especially to womanπs[111] and childrenπs¹¹¹. First and foremost, the risk of lung and cardiovascular disease increases in the[112] person who smokes. In addition, when[113] a woman who takes birth control pills smokes, she[114] is twice at risk of[115] heart attack than the⁸⁸ others. Smoking also exerts[116] a bad effect on menstrual function⁹⁷ such as pain or irregular periods[117] or leads to fertility problems. Children living with smokers can not escape from the damaging smoke. They are more exposed to the risk of asthma and the disorder of lung function⁹⁷. Babies of smoking mothers can be born with low weight and develop he⁸⁸ aggressive behavior during the toddler years. As a result, smoking exerts injurious effects on the health of woman¹¹¹ and children. If everyone, women in particular, say ≥no≤ to smoking, she[118] can spare herself¹¹⁸ and her children from some bad diseases.

149 words. 3 academic words. Very well-developed and unified topic. Very good sentence structure and sentence variety. 18

Revision : Smoking Affects Woman & Children's Health Tran, Thai

Mon Oct 18 2004 4:49 pm

Smoking cigarettes is harmful to peopleπs health, especially to woman* and children. First and foremost, the risk of lung and cardiovascular disease increases in a person who smokes. In addition, a woman who takes birth control pills doubles her risk of having a heart attack when she smokes. Smoking also creates a bad effect on menstrual function* such as pain or irregular periods, or leads to fertility problems. Children living with smokers can not escape from the damaging smoke. They are more exposed to the risk of asthma and the disorder of lung function*. Babies of smoking mothers can be born with low weight and develop the* aggressive behavior during the toddler years. As a result, smoking exerts injurious effects on the health of woman and children. If people, women in particular, say Ønoó to smoking, they can spare themselve* and their children from some bad diseases.

*several errors of pl cn & art have not been corrected.

18=>19

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10.

Date: Thu Oct 7 2004 12:52 pm

Author: Kim, Moonjung <[email protected]>

Subject: The good news about Mathematics⁴⁰

       I'm taking Elementary Algebra this semester.⁶⁵As an academic class, Mathematics⁸⁹ seems to be boring and difficult; however, I am finding many useful and positive aspects through taking this Algebra⁸⁹ class. First, learning and having basic math skills help² me to complete practical tasks, such as knowing the sale price of merchant[119] in department stores, balancing a checkbook, dividing household expenses with[120] my husband's salary,or planning my daughter's college funding.[121] Especially, finding interests of car payments and house mortgages are² the most needable[122] parts for me. Civil service exams also require math skills; that means[123] how math is important to our life.[124] Second, math is a common and international language that people all over the world understand. The final[125] is that learning and solving mathematics problems are² good for our brain. It is a very good exercise that helps increasing[126] our memory and prevents elderly mental deseases⁶² like dementia. All in all, I decided not to dislike this math class.

159 words. 9 academic words, though some are used inaccurately. Good ideas, unified paragraph. Pay attention to SVA. Gerunds are singular. 16

Revised-The good news about Mathematics Kim, Moonjung

Fri Oct 15 2004 1:32 pm

I'm taking Elementary Algebra this semester. As an academic couarse, Mathematics seems to be boring and difficult; however, I am finnding many useful and positive aspects through taking this class. Here are some aspects I want to talk about. First, learning and having basic math skills help me to complete practical tasks, such as knowing the sale price of merchandise in department stores, balancing a checkbook, dividing household expenses with my husband's salary, or planning educational funding for my daughter. Especially, finding interests of car payments and house mortgages are the most necessary parts for me.Civil service exams also require math skills that can be another example of how math  is important to our life. Second, math is a common and international language which people all over the world understand. Therefore, to live another country, I don't have to struggle to acquire it.The final aspect is that learning and solving math problems are good for our brain. It is a very good exercise which helps increase of our memory and prevents elderly deseases like dementia. All in all, I decided not to dislike this math class. 

Too long. You increased the word count from 159 to 186. You did not correct many of the errors I marked in the previous version.

cap: The good news => The Good News

cap: Mathematics = mathematics

sp: couarse => course, finnding => finding deseases => diseases

spacing: me.Civil => me. Civil

spacing: acquire it.The => acquire it. The

16 => 16

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11.

Date: Thu Oct 7 2004 1:40 pm

Author: Cheruvu, Uma <[email protected]>

Subject: About Child Development

     Child development is a very interesting subject to study. I am taking the⁴⁴ Child⁸⁹ development classes in[127] this semester.⁶⁵They help me in understanding[128] the Psychology⁸⁹ of the⁴⁴ children and [129]also help me to raise my kids[130].I personally think that Child Development⁸⁹ classes enhance my interest in teaching. I am planning to get a teacher certificate by next year.There are so many different types of classes in Child Development[131].One is Language Experiences with children[132],⁶⁶another one is Movement and Melody.In language experience¹³² classes we learn about how to talk with childrenin[133] a proper way with out hurting themand¹³³ how to say "no" for their peer preasures.[134]In Movement and Melody classes they teach how to increase the rhythm and melody in children. Music is very important to teach  the children because it helps them to learn the language vry ⁶²easily and calms them when they get stressed out.Finally[135], i[136] am really enjoying my classes with out[137] any doubt.

155 words. This is a unified paragraph about your child development courses that will lead you to a teaching certificate. It uses simple and complex sentences well. There is one attempted compound sentence, but it has a comma splice error. No compound-complex sentences. Present and present progressive verbs are used well. There are only two correctly used academic words. For information on article usage.[138]16 Top

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12.

Date: Thu Oct 7 2004 3:33 pm

Author: Gebra, Negussu <[email protected]>

Subject: Regular activities of my work place⁴⁰

                I work in[139] Century theater[140]-[141]22,[142]San Jose. I believe[143] that Century theater¹⁴⁰ is one of the bigest⁶² movie house⁶¹ in the bay area¹⁴⁰ and it [144]open 7⁶² days a week and 365 days a year. [145]Before we open the two hours early[146], we make hot dog⁶¹ and popcorn and we set up all necessary snack bar stuff[147].¹⁵³ When we open the door⁶¹, the customers buy the entrance ticket on¹³⁹ the box office and show their ticket for[148] the door person[149]. The door person tears the ticket and tells the direction of[150] the specific move⁶² house. If the customers want to buy somethig⁶² in¹³⁹ the Century theater¹⁴⁰ snack bar, they have to have at least 10 dollars because the price of food and drink are2 too expensive. At closing time, we pick up all snack bar stuff [151] such as,[152]cups,⁶⁵popcorn bags,and candies.We do those activities every day[153] and we get our paycheck every other Thursday.[154]

152 words. This paragraph is a simple and unified description of your job at Century Theaters. The simple present tense is used correctly in most cases. There are simple and complex sentences. The compound and compound-complex sentences do not have a logical reason for the ICs to be joined; in addition, there are punctuation errors. The writing lacks strong verbs and academic vocabulary (only one word). There are no error-free sentences. 14

Revision: Regular activities of my work place Gebra, Negussu

Fri Oct 15 2004 12:26 pm

Regular Activities of My Work Place

          I work at Century Theater 22, in San Jose.  Century Theater is one of the biggest movie houses in the Bay Area and it is open 7 days a week and 365 days a year. Two hours before we open the doors, we make hot dogs and popcorn and we set up all necessary snack bar equipments. When we open the doors, the customers buy the entrance ticket at the box office and show their ticket to the ticket taker.The ticket taker tears the ticket and tells the direction to the specific movie house. If the customers want to buy something at the Century Theater snack bar, they have to have at least 10 dollars because the price of food and drink are too expensive. At closing time, we pick up all snack bar equipments such as cups,popcorn bags,and candies.We do those activities every day. We get our paycheck every other Thursday.

ncn: equipments=> equipment

sva: the price of food and drink are too expensive => the price of food and drink is too expensive

spacing: taker.The  => taker.The 

spacing: cups,popcorn bags,and candies.We => cups, popcorn bags, and candies. We

14=>17 Top

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13.

Date: Thu Oct 7 2004 4:03 pm

Author: Kim Cho, Eunsook <[email protected]>

Subject: Global warming⁴⁰

Global warming has led to an average increase in the Earthπs temperature. The⁴⁴ scientists say that one of the primary causes of the global warming is the increasing use of fuels such as gas and gasoline. Greenhouse gases such as carbon dioxide and methane make the Earth warmer by trapping energy in the atmosphere. A warmer Earth may lead to change in rainfall patterns, a rise in sea level, and a wide range of impacts on plants, wildlife, and humans. For example, global warming might bring droughts to some places, so plants canπt grow up[155] and wild animals canπt live there. In addition, people would get heat stress directly. Global warming increases the number of hot days that occur during the year, and more hot days increase the possibility of heat related health problems. Consequently, global warming may alter the worldπs habitats and ecosystems. People should have done smog checks[156] regularly, used[157] less energy by carpooling, taken¹⁵⁷ the bus, ridden¹⁵⁷ a bicycle, walked, or driven¹⁵⁷ a hybrid car.

168 words. This paragraph is unified in content and presents excellent ideas using many academic words: Global primary energy range stress impacts occur Consequently alter energy. There is a variety of verb tenses and verb forms ≠ present perfect, present, conditionals, modals ≠ in the first 144 words. It does not focus on present tense general truth time frame; it seems more appropriate for a writing assignment on using modal auxiliaries: might, may, canπt, would, should. The last 24 words show seriously flawed use of verbs. This disparity in writing style and competence suggests that the first 144 words were plagiarized from a textbook or other source and only the last sentence was attempted by the student writer. 5 Top

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14.

Date: Thu Oct 7 2004 9:54 pm

Author: Ohay, Yevheniya <[email protected]>

Subject: How to Break a Bad Habit. ⁴⁰

Everyone knows what troubles bad habits can cost. I always try to get rid of them, and I can say it is a very hard task. Iπll tell some tips about it. First, in order to get rid of the habit person should exactly define the bad habit, and decide how serious he is about breaking it. Person should notice when the bad habit appears. Taking notes is very helpful because person becomes more aware of when and why this habit exists. After some time he needs to read those notes and think what was the situation that caused the bad habit. Furthermore, individual can find another activity that can replace old habit. Then, when he catches himself with old habit he must try to stop it as soon as he can; moreover, try to do alternative behavior instead of the old one. Also telling friends what person is fighting with is useful, so they can help him to get rid of it too. Finally, just practice new behavior more and the bad habit will leave you soon:)

178 words. This paragraph does not address the assignment. Clearly its purpose is to give advice, which is appropriate for chapter 5 modals. The purpose of the chapter 3 writing assignment is to describe factual or habitual actions in the general truth time frame. Be sure to submit your own writing, and stick to the topic. 3

Date: Thu Oct 14 2004 9:58 pm

Author: Ohay, Yevheniya <[email protected]>

Subject: Revised Paragraph: The Pilates Method As Sort Of Physical Activity

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Physical activity is very important for humanπs health. Every person benefits from physical training. Most people like to loosen up or relax during work out. As person approaches a specific level of fitness he becomes stronger and more flexible. Sport raises individual's self-confidence and self-esteem; similarly it improves personπs body. One of the popular kinds of fitness is the Pilates Matwork Method. Its concept involves simple one-hour work out a day; however, it often takes less time if person doesnπt have a lot of time to spend on training. The Pilates method is a unique system that consists of many various stretching and strengthening exercises, which help to develop a great look and cheerful personality. It also strengthens muscles, provides flexibility and balance, and creates smooth and nice shape. Sport helps to escape from emotional problems, relax and feel free from heavy thoughts. The Pilates method, which becomes more and more available for all people, helps to develop a healthy body, mind and life.

164 words. This paragraph is a vast improvement over your previous submission! It describes how Pilates keeps people healthy. You used general truth present and a great deal of academic vocabulary in simple, complex, compound, and compound-complex sentences. Minor errors:

The Pilates Method As Sort Of Physical Activity => The Pilates Method of Physical Activity

art: during work out => during a work out.. As person =: As a personä individual's => an individual's.. a simple one-hour workoutä if person => if a personä shape => aäshape

punc: DC + comma + IC: As a personäfitness, he

punc: introductory phrase + comma + IC: similarly, itä

pron: he or she

sp: work out = v. workout = n (cn)

ww: many various stretching => many kinds (varieties, types) of ä exercises

obj: Sport helps to escape => Sport helps a person escapeä, relax, and feel

tns: becomes => is becoming (has become?)

3=>19, max=8

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15.

Date: Thu Oct 7 2004 10:50 pm

Author: Chen, Hui <[email protected]>

Subject: San Jose Community Center⁴⁵

There are thirty-four community centers in San Jose area. These community centers provide various programs for different age of people[158]. For example, the youngest program[159] which is called "Bounceπs Babies" for 10 months to 18 months babies[160]; and the senior program[161] which is called "Senior Stretching" for the people whose age is over 50. [162]The community center offers program⁷⁷ in every area for different demanders[163], such as sports, music, art, cooking and sewing. In addition, the class fee is⁴⁵ very cheap. Staff who work at the community center are very nice. If you couldnπt[164] register¹⁰⁸ the class[165], they will put[166] your name on a waiting list. They will call¹⁶⁶ you as soon as they have site²¹; otherwise, they will suggest²¹ similar class[167] to you. San Jose community center¹⁴⁰ publishes a class schedule book[168] which is called ≥citywide activity guide¹⁴⁰≤. It is a useful book which has the⁴⁴ information about class schedules, parks, recreations⁹ and neighborhood services. San Joseπs residents[169] enjoy every program for there are diverse classes, convenient locations, gracious service and cheaper[170] price. ¹⁵³

174 words, including 9 different academic words (though none of them are verbs). Unified paragraph with supporting details. Simple, compound, complex and compound-complex sentences. 18

Re: San Jose Community Centers (Revision)   Chen, Hui

Thu Oct 14 2004 8:26 pm

There are thirty-four community centers in San Jose area. These community centers provide various programs for people of different ages. For example, the program for the youngest people which is called ≥Bounceπs Babies≤ for the babies who are 10 to 18 months old, also there are programs for the seniors, such as ≥Senior Stretching≤ is for the people whose age is over 50. The community centers offer programs in every area for different participants, such as sports, music, art, cooking and sewing. In addition, the class fees are very cheap. Staffs who work at the community center are very nice. If you canπt register for the class because it is full, they put your name on a waiting list. They call you as soon as they have the seat; otherwise, they introduce a similar class to you. San Jose Community Center publishes a class schedule booklet which is called ≥Citywide Activity Guide≤. It is a useful book which has information about class schedules, parks, recreation and neighborhood services. Residents of San Jose enjoy every program for diverse classes, convenient locations, gracious service and cheap price.  

Staffs => Staff

For example, the program for the youngest people which is called ≥Bounceπs Babies≤ for the babies who are 10 to 18 months old, also there are programs for the seniors, such as ≥Senior Stretching≤ is for the people whose age is over 50.

=> For example, they offer a program for the youngest people, which is called ≥Bounceπs Babies≤ for the babies who are 10 to 18 months old. They also offer programs for seniors,such as ≥Senior Stretching,≤ for the people whose age is over 50.

19

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16.

Date: Thu Oct 7 2004 11:49 pm

Author: Guo, Zhangqi Jason <[email protected]>

Subject: Air Pollution

         Comparing the air with ten years ago or early, we[171] realize that the⁴⁴ air pollution is progressing seriously.[172] It prohibits us from breathing fresh air and watching sparkling starts34 in the blue sky. It may cause acid rain, which is harmful to plants and our health. When we eat the⁴⁴ polluted food, we are going to be[173] sick. Air pollution also causes global warming when there is too much carbon dioxide in the air. Gobal62 warming causes a rise of [174]sea level, and then many lands9 and many cities will[175] under the water. Global warming breaks our living[176] enviornment[177] balance, yet[178] many animals and plants will die quickly. A lot of global shows that air pollution is harmful to our life; however,[179] there are many ways to reduce the⁴⁴ air pollution. For us171, we save any global as possible as we can: using global-saving light, seldom using air conditions, taking public transportations etc.[180] Let's do our best.[181]

157 words, including 4 different academic words. The paragraph presents several aspects of global warming. Simple, complex, compound sentences. Many verbs are present tense. Suddenly at the end it switches to an attempt to give advice, with faulty sentence structure, word choice and word order. Just describe the factual situation and actions in the simple present tense; do not give advice. 14. Top

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17.

Date: Fri Oct 8 2004 8:56 am

Author: Pham, Hoang kim <[email protected]>

Subject: My Friend's Love[182]

                   My friend names Julie[183], who lives together with her aunt's family. Although,[184] her aunt loves her so much ;[185] Julie has not help[186] her anunt62 to do anything in her aunt's house,she still looks[187] unhappy because she has a problem with her boyfriend.[188] She wants to break[189] him, but that guy always follow2 her any time[190] whenever she drives to work and drives home from her work.(he has times9 because he gets[191] laidoff[192]). In fact, he makes trouble to34 her by the way21, comes her her21 work, talks[193] everthing62 to her boss while she is working. He menaces[194] my friend on the phone that he will makes[195] somethings[196] bad to her if she breaks189 him. Furthermore, my friend affraids[197] that menace will occur, so, she keeps continuing with him again. There is a time Julie and I go to shopping, I don't know why he knows where we go, and he gets in the mall with us. He goes next to me, and tells me anything about Julie is bad. He doesn't do any way is a good way for my friend. He is so jealous, not except Julie's relatives. Finally, my friend can't endure she calls police who come to buckle and take him in the jail.

209 words. Exceeds the limit of 150 to 175 words. Part of this paragraph describes habitual action, but not the end. The last part describes several events that are clearly in the past, NOT in the general truth present. The sentential, grammatical, lexical, and mechanical elements of all of the sentences are extremely faulty. There are no error-free sentences. I did not correct anything after the 122nd word.This writer would benefit from ESL940GW. 6 Top

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18.

Date: Fri Oct 8 2004 4:40 pm

Author: Yachkula, Lydia <[email protected]>

Subject: Princess Ida, Lyric Theater

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My family and I went Santa Clara University Theater to watch the light opera (operetta) Princess Ida. I would like to share my impression about this beautiful play.

Lyric Theater, the Performing Art of the Gilbert and Sullivan Society of San Jose

Princess Ida

Libretto by William S. Gilbert                 Music by Arthur S. Sullivan

                Just What is Princess Ida all About?

Princess Ida is set in times of castles, knight, and so on. It was also a time of unenlightenment where women were concerned, and this is the central theme of the operetta. Princess Ida opens in the court of King Hilderbrand. The king, his son Hilarion, and others are awaiting the arrival of King Gama and his daughter, Ida, to whom Hilarion is pledged. There is the expected reaction when Gama and his three sons arrive and announces that the wedding is off! Ida has ideas of feminine equality, if not superiority, and has opened her own womanπs college in a castle from which all males are excluded. Hilarion is not about to take this sitting down, so he and his friends Cyril and Florian decide to infiltrate the college and show Ida the error of her ways. Hilderbrand introduces his own form of inducement by volunteering to execute Gama and his three sons if Hillarion fails. Gama has nothing to say.

The second act takes place within the college and things begin happening with arrival of Hilarion, Cyril, and Florian dressed as women. Much is made of the "humor" of men dressing and acting as women until the men announce their true identities. The princess is not amused and has them confined to await execution. At this moment Hilderbrand and his troops arrive to storm the college, bringing Gama and his three warrior sons in chains with them. It looks bad for womenπs equality.

But Ida is prepared to fight and die for her beliefs! Unfortunately for her, she is pretty much alone in this attitude, so she proposes that Hilarion and his friends fight her brothers to see who will prevail. The prince wins and Ida surrenders, suddenly discovering that she has been wrong all this time about men and resolving to be the best wife that a prince could want!

I believe that some people wouldnπt consider this a happy ending, but an ending it is and the curtain falls!

I wasnπt familiar with Princess Ida, and I saw and heard this light opera (operetta) first time. It is very melodically and humorous play which I really enjoyed to watching.

I was glad to catch most of the conversation in recitatives; however, it was difficult for me to understand the lyric in the songs. Even so, it didnπt prevent me to follow the story line and enjoyed the show.

In some way the story is educational for the ESL students. A character Lady Blanche, who is a Professor of Abstract Philosophy at the women-only University, theorized about the difference and importance of the words the "Is", the "Might Be", and the "Must".

Blanche: I, madam, on Abstract Philosophy.

There I propose considering, at length,

Three points ≠ the Is, the Might Be, and the Must!

Whether the Is, from being actual fact,

Is more important than the vague Might Be,

Or the Might Be, from taking wider scope,

Is for that reason greater than the Is:

And lastly, how the Is and Might Be stand

Compared with the inevitable Must!

It is funny, isnπt it?

578 words. This does not meet the criteria of the assignment. 0

Re: Princess Ida, second version (Ooops! Too much words! I shrank my first version.) Yachkula, Lydia Mon Oct 11 2004 10:25 am

Princess Ida

Princess Ida is set in times of castles, knight, and so on. It was also a time of unenlightenment where women were concerned, and this is the central theme of the operetta. Princess Ida opens in the court of King Hilderbrand. The king, his son Hilarion, and others are awaiting the arrival of King Gama and his daughter, Ida, to whom Hilarion is pledged. There is the expected reaction when Gama and his three sons arrive and announces that the wedding is off! Ida has ideas of feminine equality, if not superiority, and has opened her own womanπs college in a castle from which all males are excluded. Hilarion is not about to take this sitting down, so he and his friends Cyril and Florian decide to infiltrate the college and show Ida the error of her ways. The prince wins and Ida surrenders, suddenly discovering that she has been wrong all this time about men and resolving to be the best wife that a prince could want!

You have shortened your ideas into a paragraph, which is an improvement. How does the prince win? What does he win? What wrong did Ida commit? If I am not mistaken, this topic does not demonstrate a basic scientific principle or a basic principle in your field of study of work or a regularly occurring procedure or activity. You used the literary present to tell a tale that ostensibly occurred in the past, but may recur if performed often on the stage. Too much words => Too many words (pl cn)

0 => 17 max= 5 Top

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19.

Date: Fri Oct 8 2004 7:03 pm

Author: Chu, Chun-Hwa <[email protected]>

Subject: my work place40

               I remember that[198] I had a part time job when I was a student in Taiwan. It was an Italian restaurant. However, it was not a formal restaurant, it just for normal customers. It sells pasta, steak, and some special foods. It was a new opened store. From the beginning, there were many customers like to welcome this restaurant; we were very busy. Because customers thought that this was a new restaurant, they were willing to try something new. However, this situation had not kept forever, the customers though that this restaurant that I worked at was not really good. Also the manager did make some wrong decisions, that caused the business of this restaurant could not have a good direction to follow. The bad situation had kept going; the main company also could not give the manager good advises. As a result, this Italian restaurant was closed, it also changed to another type of restaurant. It tells me that it is important to make a decision; moreover, you need to think carefully before you do something.

177 words. This paragraph does not meet the criteria of the assignment. Although it is a paragraph that has some unity (one idea), it does not describe factual and habitual conditions and actions in the general truth present (chapter 3). It is clearly about a past situation (ch 2). 4 Top

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20.

Date: Fri Oct 8 2004 8:54 pm

Author: Kivrakmir, Ilknur <[email protected]>

Subject: My Profession - Ilknur[199]

I am a special education teacher. I work with mentally disabled children. I have used different attachments, and I realize that building attachment is the best attachment for them. Attachment is very important for early childhood which has life long[200] life long[201] impact¹⁶⁷. Attachment is built[202] in early age of the child[203] and helps to develop the brain of the child. The mentally disabled child needs attachment more[204] than other children, but his or her parents do not give enough attention to their child because they are typically unhappy and disappointed with him or her. The teacher of the disabled child plays attachment attachment for building attachment. When a disabled child starts to go to school, the teacher[205] complements[206] the parentπs effort for basic development. If the teacher can build trust and attachment with the child, the child starts to learn new things quickly. Building trust and attachment with disabled children can take very long time¹⁶⁷, but the teacher must be patient and try to understand their signs. Teacher needs to work closely with the parents of the disabled child. A good coordination between teacher and parents can help build a strong attachment on[207] disabled children.

196 words. Exceeds the limit of 150 to 175 words. This is a well-organized and unified paragraph with good sentence structure (simple, complex, compound-complex) and academic vocabulary (6 different word families used 15 times). What is attachment? You use this word eight times without a definition. Define it. Should this word be part of the topic sentence? My Profession as a title is too broad for this paragraph. 19 Top

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21.

Date: Fri Oct 8 2004 9:25 pm

Author: Nguyen, Davis <[email protected]>

Subject: What should I do with my saving money[208]?

The interest rate is historically[209] low, so putting money in a checking or a saving account is just like degrading your money. The average return rate from a bank is usually less than 1% while the inflation rate of[210] this year is around 1.5%. If you open an account with a Credit Union[211], then you probably would have[212] a chance to level[213] your money. But, what if you want to make some extra money. Yes, there are some ways, and they all depend on your individual need and money prosperity. You can invest in a CD, a money market, a bonds or a mutual fund account, but you should not invest in individual stock. Most the stock investors lost money. Investing in the stock market is not for every individual. If you have $10 or $100 dollars, my suggestion is to keep that money safely in your pocket or to use it for paying off your dept. But, if you have $1,000 or $10,000 dollars, then you have more options. Assuming, you are a conservative person and donπt like seeing your money in negative balance, my suggestion is to open a CD or a money market account. You probably can earn from 3.0% to 4.0% in a year. If youπre willing to take a little risk, then open a bond or a mutual fund account is good for you. You can earn from 3.5% to 12% in a year, and your chance for loosing the money is almost zero.

249 words. Exceeds word limit (150-175). This does not meet the criteria for general truth factual or habitual actions. 3 Top

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22.

Date: Fri Oct 8 2004 9:50 pm

Author: Quach, Huong Ngoc <[email protected]>

Subject: The Autumn Moon Festival

The Autumn Moon Festival usually occurs on the 15th day of the 8th lunar month. At this time, the moon is at its fullest and brightest, so it's an ideal time for every member in family gathering.The Autumn Moon Festival doesn't only exist[214] in many Asian countries but also expands[215] to many countries in the world because of the immigrant wave[216] of Asian[217]. Mooncake[218] is considered as symbol and a meaningful gift[219] in[220] this occassion[221], so friends and relatives often offer it[222] to each other when the Autumn Moon Festival comes. Furthermore,[223] the Autumn Moon Festival is also called Children's Festival in Vietnam. At[224] that day, children light their lanterns and parade through their neighborhood when it's dark. After dinner, the entire family gathers together, eats mooncake[225], shares conversations and enjoys the moon. In short, the Autumn Moon Festival is a good chance for each person to show love and appreciation; moreover, it also consolidates the relationship in family and in society.

165 words. Unified paragraph. Simple, compound, complex, compound-complex sentences. 3 academic words are used properly. Present tense for general truth present. The style of this paragraph is inconsistent with your other writing, making its authenticity suspect.

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23.

Date: Fri Oct 8 2004 10:14 pm

Author: Islam, Jemimi <[email protected]>

Subject: My Daily Habit[226]

Every one of us does[227] some kinds of activities in[228] a regular basis. Some people like to do exercise; others may like to read books or to listen music. I personally like to write journal as my daily habit. Today it is an important part of my daily activities[229]. There are several reasons for choosing this as my favorite daily activity.  Writing a journal helps me to release my emotions. It helps me to express my happiness, sadness, and anger without any hesitation. Writing a journal also helps me to ruminate my past. I can go to my past only by turning over the pages of my journal. I also like to write journal because it helps me to be focused in my life. I always write my objective or agenda in my journal and thatπs how it helps me to be focused to my work.[230] Writing journal also helps me to think logically and clearly.  In the end, I would say that writing a journal gives me inspiration to keep going with life.

174 words, including 5 different academic words (journal is repeated 10 times). Unified paragraph in the general truth present with good supporting details. Simple, compound, complex sentences.; no compound-complex. Except for a few minor errors, the grammar is correct. The verbs are not strong, though, and the same words are used repeatedly: BE, like, help. Work on expanding your vocabulary. 17 Top

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24.

Date: Fri Oct 8 2004 10:47 pm

Author: Le, Huyentran thanh <[email protected]>

Subject: The Chinese New Year

Chinese New Year or Tet,[231] is a special holiday for Vietnamese and Chinese people. This is a chance for them to clean their homes, get new clothes and shoes, give gifts to each other, and enjoy special events .Cleaning home[232] is a must to be prepared for Tet. Houses are cleaned to get rid of bad fortune associated with the old year. Everyone gets new clothes and shoes to wear during the holiday. People love[233] red or bright colors for their new clothes and shoes because they believe those are lucky colors. Besides, people bring gifts to their friends, and relatives. The most popular gift is sweat[234] meat. It is made from many kind[235] of fruits, such as mango, plum, or coconut[236]. Furthermore[237], there are festivals and fun events for everyone New Yearπs Eve is the first one.[238] On that night, everyone stays up until midnight. They set on[239] firecrackers to chase away the evil spirits or[240] visit local temples to pray for prosperity and good health. Next mornings,[241] several huge cloth dragons sway back and forth on the streets or in front of business facilities, chasing a red sun ball. Following the dragon are people playing drums and gongs. As they dance, business owners can give them money. It is such a happiest[242] time of the year.

218 words, including only one correctly used academic word. Exceeds word limit (150-175). Simple and complex sentences. No compound or compound-complex sentences. Run-on error. Present tense is adequately used to describe habitual actions. Expand your vocabulary. Stay within the limit. 17

The Chinese New Year (Revision) Le, Huyentran thanh

Sat Oct 23 2004 9:37 pm

Chinese New Year or Tet is a special holiday for Vietnamese and Chinese people. This is a chance for them to clean their homes, get new clothes and shoes, give gifts to each other, and enjoy special events .Cleaning house is a must to be prepared for Tet. Houses are cleaned to get rid of bad fortune associated with the old year. Everyone gets new clothes and shoes to wear during the holiday, and people love to wear red or bright colors for their new clothes and shoes because they believe those are lucky colors. Besides, people bring gifts to their friends, and relatives. The most popular gift is sweet meat. It is made from many kinds of fruits, such as mango, plum, or coconuts. There are festivals and fun events for everyone. New Years Eve is the first one. On that night, everyone stays up until midnight, then they set off firecrackers to chase away the evil spirits and visit local temples to pray for prosperity and good health. Next morning, several huge cloth dragons sway back and forth on the streets or in front of business facilities, chasing a red sun ball. Following the dragon are people playing drums and gongs. As they dance, business owners can give them money. It is such a happy time of the year.

221 words. You did not decrease the word length or increase the academic vocabulary.

punc: their friends, and relatives => their friends and relatives

pl cn, cc: mango, plum, or coconuts => mangoes, plums, and coconuts

17 => 17 Top

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25.

Date: Fri Oct 8 2004 10:47 pm

Author: Vu, Jenny <[email protected]>

Subject: Fresh Air.[243]

We need the air[244] to live in this word[245]. In fact, we will[246] die if there doesn't have[247] air in the atmosphere. The air contains[248] with oxygen, it is very important for us live.[249] Because,[250] we breathe out a carbon  dioxide[251],  we will breathe in the pure air.[252] We don't get off it[253]; it[254] will act[255] a poison in our system. Therefore, we support[256] to have proper ventilation in side[257] the[258] houses, schools and offices.

    Similarly[259], people who live in [260]countryside are very healthy. On [261]other hand, people who live in cities or town [262]don't have a good health[263]. The countryside have[264] the fresh air[265]. Beside[266], there are a lot of a vehicle[267] on the road and the factories in cities. As a result, people who live in cities and town don't have a fresh air.Because[268],the vihicles[269] and the factories emit a dirty smokes,and they can pullute in the air.

   Furthermore,  importance of fresh air to human life is much moe greater than anything else. Example, those who live in countryside are free from sickness, and contagious diseases less affect them than those are living in a big city. In my country, we are usually living in a new town, but we plant a lot of tree around the house help  us have fresh air for a healthy living.

219 words. Exceeds word limit (150-175). Exceeds the paragraph limit (1). Errors of logic, unity, and cohesion. Comma splice errors. Fragments. Word choice and word form errors. Spelling, spacing, punctuation and formatting errors. (Last para not marked) 8 Top

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26.

Date: Fri Oct 8 2004 10:49 pm

Author: Loi, My <[email protected]>

Subject: stress in life[270]

Stress is recognized as the number one killer today. The American Medical Association stated that stress was the cause of 80 to 85 percent of all human illness and disease that effect[271] on our health.  There are several physical signs and symptoms of stress such as:[272] headaches, nail biting, grinding teeth, speech difficulties, ulcers, high/low[273] blood sugar, tired but can't sleep[274], menstrual problems, sudden weight loss or gain, high/low blood pressure, lack of coordination, cold hands, nausea, [275]tightness of the chest, neck, jaw, and back muscles.  In a stressful situation, there is a decrease in productive thoughts and an increase in distracting thought[276]; therefore, poor judgments often occur.  Irrespective of what we do, we have and will experience stress at some time in our life.  It is very importance[277] that we learn how to control stress.  First we need to have positive thinking, be more organize[278] and time management.[279]  We also need to change[280] our life style[281], eat healthy food, exercise often, practice meditation and deep breathing, and the most importance is we need to learn how to relax. 

179 words, including 8 different academic words. (150-175 word limit). Unified, coherent academic paragraph with plenty of supporting details. About half of the sentences are about general truth, factual, or habitual actions (the middle part). The ending is advice about change (we need to this and that). Instead of weak, vague, non-action and basic verbs (e.g., BE, there is/are, have, do, need), try to use stronger action verbs, such as Productive thoughts decrease, distracting thoughts increase, people under stress bite their nails, suddenly gain or lose weight, etc. Read about parallel structure.[282]18 Top

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27.

Date: Sat Oct 9 2004 9:54 am

Author: Pham, Jenny <[email protected]>

Subject: Boys will be boys

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Are boys in trouble today? Their situation is desperate, according to a coalition of clinical and academic psychologists. The alarming news has been trumpeted in scholarly journals as well as in several bestselling books, most notably William Pollack's Real Boys and Michael Gurian's The Wonder of Boys and A Fine Young Man. Both Pollack, co-director of the Center for Men at McClean Hospital of Harvard Medical School, and Gurian, a Washington-based family therapist, want to persuade us that we are in the midst of a boy crisis of epidemic proportion. According to Pollack and Gurian, boys today are plagued by depression, isolation, despair, and fragile self-esteem. Boys are performing poorly in school compared with their sisters, who are now thriving. Diagnoses of attention-deficit disorder in male children are escalating, as are disciplinary problems, school drop-out rates, psychiatric disorders, and suicide. In the words of Pollack, "Many feel a sadness and disconnection they cannot even name." "Millions of our adolescent boys have experienced a trauma of some kind," asserts Gurian, and they haven't got the emotional resources, or support from others, to cope with the pain.

185 words. This piece is obviously plagiarized. Plagiarism, whether from a professional or amateur source, is unacceptable behavior. Click on Academic Regulations and Standards from the ESL970G Syllabus page or read the Mission College schedule to learn about the disciplinary sanctions related to cheating. You are hereby on alert that any further action of this nature will result in an F in this course. 0 Top

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28.

Date: Sat Oct 9 2004 10:38 pm

Author: Ivkovic, Sofija <[email protected]>

Subject: My son[283]

My 4 year old[284] son Vuk[285] really likes routine in his daily life. Every morning he wakes us up around 7 oπclock. He rushes to the living room and asks for a cartoon before a[286] breakfast, but first he makes sure that his dad got[287] up from the bed[288]. Vuk goes to the[289] pre-kindergarten three times a week, and on these days we usually go to the park. After we spend an hour or two in the park, we go home and have a[290] lunch, and he always helps me to make the table[291]. Vuk also likes to help me in the kitchen or with dusting, because it makes him feel important and helpful. Although he loves to play with his friends from the neighborhood, drawing or reading with me in the afternoon gives to my little boy a lot of joy[292]. Before he falls asleep in the evening, Vuk insists on reading a story for a good night. Repeating these activities every day makes him feel secure and knowledgeable in his world.   

173 words (only 1 academic word). Unified paragraph with details to support the theme of Vukπs habitual actions. Pres tns is used well in simple, compound, complex, and compound-complex sentences. Vocabulary is very basic (go, like, make, have). Strive to use stronger action verbs and academic words. Article errors.[293] Late (Due date: 11 pm Fri Oct 8). 16

Date: Fri Oct 22 2004 7:48 pm

Author: Ivkovic, Sofija <[email protected]>

Subject: Re: My Son's Routine

My four-year-old son,Vuk, really likes routine in his daily life. Every morning he wakes us up around 7 oπclock. He rushes to the living room and asks for a cartoon before breakfast, but first he makes sure that his dad has gotten out of the bed. Vuk goes to a pre-kindergarten three times a week, and on those days we usually go to the park. After we spend an hour or two in the park, we go home and have lunch, and he always helps me set the table. Vuk also likes to help me in the kitchen or with dusting, because it makes him feel important and helpful. Although he loves to play with his friends from the neighborhood, drawing or reading with me in the afternoon gives my little boy a lot of joy. Before he falls asleep in the evening, Vuk insists on reading a story for a good night. Repeating these activities every day makes him feel secure and knowledgeable in his world.

Only very minor errors were corrected. There is no increase in academic vocabulary or action verbs.

out of the bed => out of bed

17 Top

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29.

Date: Sun Oct 10 2004 7:17 pm

Author: Tran, Phong Thanh <[email protected]>

Subject: A Scientific Principle in my field of study of work[294]

As one of the scientific principles[295] in my field of study of work, engineering has been acknowledged as one of the most interesting sciencific[296] faculties[297] with so many new discoveries in Physics[298] and Mathematical[299] ways[300].[301] Generally, engineering widely expands[302] into many fields of science such as electrical engineering, mechanical engineering, civil engineering, and aerospace engineering.[303] As a student interested in science, aerospace engineering[304] is the one of the best fields I would like to take[305] because of its great and huge operational systems. To be an aerospace engineer, being[306] able to understand Physics and Mathematics is very important because it[307] requires numerical skills in large number calculations with high accuracies.[308] In addition, I have to be able to visualize the shapes of the objects[309] and design the operations of the engines and the controlling systems of the aircrafts. Therefore, choosing aerospace engineering as a scientific faculties in my field of study of work requires a lot of work at school and thorough understandings[310] about[311] science right at the time I started learning[312].

172 words, including some academic words. This paragraph does not describe a scientific principle. The ideas are illogically presented in many cases. Serious word choice and word form errors and sentence construction errors prevent clear communication. Many dangling participials, misplaced modifiers[313] and unnecessary words result in convoluted sentences. Pay attention to logical subjects and verbs, e.g., I need to be able to understand physics and mathematics becauseä design engines You need to describe factual and habitual actions in the general truth time frame, not your desires. 2 days late (Due date: 11 pm Fri Oct 8). 11-2 = 9 Top

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30.

Date: Tue Oct 12 2004 6:53 pm

Author: Ly, Yen <[email protected]>

Subject: The[314] Chinese School

The organization of the[315] sonås Chinese school is really good[316] .Beside many interesting programs for student, they[317] also have many different activities for the parents like hiking, jogging, Tai chi, and basketball. After drop[318] off the kid[319], the parents meet at[320] the multipurpose room to get the schedule of that day. The activity starts at nine and ends at eleven oπclock[321], so the parents donπt get bore[322] while waiting two hours for the kid[323]. In[324] the[325] sunny days, they[326] usually[327] go hiking up to the mountain near the school or jogging around the park, and they[328] also have some in door[329] activities like play[330] chess or ping pong for[331] the[332] rainy days, but the activity the women like most[333] is the Zuen Chia Mua.[334] This is a kind of dancing with music and[335] a little bit faster than Tai Chi, so it is really easy to dance. The school is doing very well because the number of the[336] student[337] are increasing[338] every year; therefore, there are[339] more parents join[340] in[341] the morning exercise since they rarely have time to do[342] in[343] weekdays.

182 words (150-175 word limit). The title is misleading because the paragraph does not describe the school curriculum, teachers, or learning environment. In fact, it describes the activities to entertain parents while they wait for their children during their lessons; that is a suitable topic. The title and the topic sentence should be rewritten to reflect it. Many problems with verbs, prepositions, articles, word forms, singular vs plural, pronoun reference mar the sentences. Simple, compound, complex, compound-complex sentences are used, though with errors. Not one sentence is error-free. The writing lacks academic vocabulary. 4 days late (Due date: 11 pm Fri Oct 8). 12-4=8 Top

31.

Date: Wed Oct 20 2004 11:41 am

Author: Hassan, Mohamed <[email protected]>

Subject: Mission College Services

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Mission College provides  students many different services, such as library, tutoring, parking and instructors[344]. First of all[345], its library has  lot[346] of different materials, such as books, CDs, and types[347], which make it easy for them[348] to study, and it also provides special private study rooms for the students. It has the best system of tutoring compared[349] to other schools.  Students can find a tutor in any subject they want. They even can make[350] an appointment so that the tutor can work only with them[351]. It[352] has also plenty[353] parking spaces on the ground floor[354], so they[355] donπt have to worry about parking on streets or far[356] places. For example, one of my co-workers who attends at San Jose City College complains a bout the parking spaces on campus.[357] He told me that he got a parking violation ticket after he parked on the street because he couldnπt find a space.[358] Finally, There[359] are very talented and helpful instructors in[360] Mission College. They are always available to help students. They know how to teach and treat them[361] with respect.

183, including 43 words that should be deleted.

Posted to the wrong forum. Posted late to this forum.

The paragraph describes several positive attributes of Mission College and has examples to support the topic. The structure of simple, complex, compound-complex sentences is basically good, and the use of simple present tense is adequate. However, mentioning parking and instruction in the same sentence as if they were parallel trivializes the pursuit of knowledge. (triv∑i∑al∑ize vt. to treat something as, or make it appear, less important, significant, or valuable than it really is)

There are repeated errors of pronoun reference. Pronouns should clearly refer to a specific noun. See http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_pronuse.html

16

Marsha Chanπs home page

cvc.blackboard.com

---

[1] tns: pres perf, NOT habitual gen truth pres

[2] SVA

[3] Do the symptoms consist of or include the following?

[4] If they die, it is their only heart attack; they donπt have a second one.

[5] Paragraph development links: http://cctc.commnet.edu/grammar/paragraphs.htm

[6] punc: Donπt use a comma before a restrictive relative clause.

[7] wf: adj

[8] their

[9] ncn

[10] ww: proves

[11] wf: sg

[12] Omit this pair of commas and the one in the last sentence.

[13] wf: inf

[14] wf: compar adj

[15] wf: n

[16] wf: n

[17] word choice and wf: fall into two categories: acquaintances and intimate friends

[18] End this idea with a period.

[19] N1 of N2

[20] wf

[21] ww?

[22] word choice and wf: Is he your ideal friend?

[23] ww: live?

[24] ww: in

[25] punc: Do not hyphenate this. wf: adj

[26] wf: pl cn ≠ Is this the best word to use? Do you mean in two different (or faraway) countries?

[27] In English, never use a sub and cc in the same sentence.

[28] ww: Do you mean you care for (like) each other, or take care of each other?

[29] mod: sthg that makes ≠ rel adj cl

[30] wf: obj

[31] vt

[32] tns: pres

[33] ww: problem? dilemma? ???

[34] ww

[35] tns

[36] S + V?

[37] ww

[38] voice: active

[39] ww

[40] Title: Capitalize all main words (n, v, adj, adv). A title is usually a noun phrase. Do not use a period.

[41] near? surrounding?

[42] ww: a

[43] wf: sg

[44] Omit the when referring to this noun in the generic sense (as opposed to a specific case).

[45] wf: pl

[46] one of pl cn. ww: What does issue(s) refer to?

[47] of what?

[48] ww: This transition phrase should be used to connect a general concept with an example. What is the general concept?

[49] ww: identify?

[50] ww: pres

[51] voice: passive

[52] wf: pl

[53] tns: pres (gen truth/hab action)

[54] wf: the Discussion

[55] pl cn

[56] ww

[57] tns: Rethink this idea as a general truth concept, not a hypothetical condition.

[58] S+ V?

[59] ww: Both refers to two (people).

[60] wo: Always mention I after others.

[61] wf: pl cn.

[62] sp

[63] tns

[64] ww: is concerned about (BE + pp + prep)

[65] Leave a space after each comma and period and before an open quotation mark.

[66] cs

[67] sva

[68] ww: as soon as he gets up

[69] frag

[70] ww: of going to sleep early and getting up early

[71] hearing

[72] wf: n

[73] ww: Does he want you to improve your faults or avoid/correct them:?

[74] sp, ncn

[75] ww: Donπt use this transition phrase unless you need to show contrast.

[76] ww: Whenever

[77] sg/pl?

[78]

[79] Omit the last cl.

[80] tns: pres perf

[81] pl cn

[82] This word can be used only in contrast to something specific. A comparison is missing.

[83] ww: Use the most when comparing three or more things.

[84] ww: very common

[85] wf: n, not adj

[86] punc: Put parentheses around this phrase.

[87] ww: While

[88] Delete. All,not definite/specific.

[89] no cap: common n

[90] ww: become

[91] pl pron

[92] not necessarily: may be

[93] tns: pres

[94] sg/pl cn

[95] What does this clause mean? Pron reference. It = ? http://www.uottawa.ca/academic/arts/writcent/hypergrammar/pronref.html

[96] Redundant: Omit their homework or.

[97] pl cn

[98] cs

[99] ww: pp

[100] Do not use an article before an adj or adv. Omit it.

[101] punc; comma

[102] Pron reference. they = ?

[103] indef: a

[104] Omit cc

[105] wf: n

[106] Def art for a specific n: the ä area

[107] ww: for

[108] vi: ~ for

[109] vi: ~ into

[110] ww: This is vulgar slang. Please use an academic word.s

[111] wf: pl cn, not possessive

[112] indef art: a

[113] Delete sub

[114] Del subj. Make this a complex sent w/ rel adj cl, but w/o a time cl.

[115] ww: twice as likely to (verb)

[116] ww: createsäeffect

[117] punc: comma

[118] SPA

[119] wf

[120] ww: budgetingä from?

[121] ww: planning forä college OR fundingä education

[122] ww: necessary/essential/important

[123] ww: is an example of

[124] This idea does not support the point ≥complete practical tasks≤.

[125] adj + n

[126] wf: base form

[127] Omit. Do not use a prep. with an adv.

[128] wf: help/have/make/let + (obj) + base form

[129] +Subj

[130] Do you mean your own children, as opposed to children in general or children in a preschool¹⁴⁰?

[131] in the C.D. Department

[132] Capitalize names of specific courses, but do not capitalize kinds of courses.

[133] spacing problem

[134] Say ≥No≤ to peer pressure.

[135] ww: Finally is not a logical word choice. There is no beginning or end (finality) to the content of this paragraph. Overall, In general, In sum.

[136] Always capitalize the first person pronoun I .

[137] sp: one word

[138] Articles, Determiners, and Quantifiers http://cctc.commnet.edu/grammar/determiners/determiners.htm
Nouns, Articles, and Determiners http://www.gsu.edu/%7Eeslhpb/aegweb/chapters/chp9.html

[139] ww: at

[140] Capitalize proper nouns (e.g., names of specific places, books, movies, courses), but not common nouns.

[141] punc: omit hyphen

[142] prep

[143] This is probably a fact, not a belief!

[144] +BE verb

[145] There is no logical reason to join the last clause to the previous ones. It is not an example or explanation of the previous point.

[146] ww: This does not make sense. Do you mean Two hours before we open?

[147] ww. Avoid vague words like things, stuff. Use strong descriptive words.

[148] ww: to

[149] ww: ticket taker?

[150] ww: directs the patrons to?

[151] ww. Avoid vague words like things, stuff. Use strong descriptive words.

[152] punc: Omit comma

[153] punc: IC + comma + IC + period.

[154] No logical reason for these two clauses to be joined with and.

[155] Omit prep. Children grow up; plants grow.

[156] passive construction. have sthg done (pp): People should have smog checks done / People should have their automobiles checked for emissions that produce smog

[157] wf: should + base form

[158] ww/modification: people of different ages

[159] ww/modification: Is the program young? or is the program for young (the youngest) people?

[160] ww/modification: babies (who are) 10 to 18 months old

[161] ww/modification: Same problem. There are programs for seniors, such asä

[162] This ≥sentence≤ has DCs but no main verb; thus it is a fragment. Rewrite the whole sentence.

[163] ww: patrons, residents, participants

[164] wf: canπt

[165] for any reason?

[166] tns: habitual gen truth = simp pres

[167] a/an + sg cn

[168] ww: booklet

[169] modification: San Jose residents (= residents of SJ) ≠ not possessive

[170] wf: Donπt use comparative unless you compare two things.

[171] pron ref. See http://www.uottawa.ca/academic/arts/writcent/hypergrammar/pronref.html

[172] There is really no reason to insert ≥we≤ into this sentence. This sentence should not be about any person; it should focus on the topic of air pollution.

[173] Do you mean this as a future event or as a factual or habitual occurrence?

[174] ww: a rise in the~

[175] +verb

[176] omit

[177] sp, wf: adj

[178] ww. Use yet to show opposition or contrast. The second IC is an example to support the first IC.

[179] ww: Like yet, however is the wrong transition.

[180] All of the verbs and many other phrases in this sentence are incorrect. The purpose of this sentence appears to be to give advice or suggestions (see chapter 5 modals), not to describe factual or habitual actions or situations (ch 3 general truth). Rewrite the entire sentence.

[181] This conclusion is not suitable except for a paragraph giving advice.

[182] Inappropriate title.This paragraph is not about love. It is about jealousy, rage, and abuse.

[183] Faulty clause construction: I have a friend named Julie

[184] punc: Never use a comma after a sub.

[185] punc: DC + comma + IC + period

[186] wf: pp

[187] ww: looks or is?

[188] These clauses are illogically connected. The first and second clauses are not logical contrasts.

[189] ww: break up with

[190] omit; redundant

[191] past tns

[192] two words

[193] vi: ~ about

[194] ww: threatens

[195] ww: do

[196] wf

[197] This is not a verb! BE + adj

[198] What is the point of I remember that? It does not serve any purpose. Stick to the topic in the topic sentence.

[199] ww: Your profession is not Ilknur! What is it?

[200] one word

[201] omit repeated words

[202] ww: created? established? developed?

[203] the N1 of the N2

[204] wo

[205] the = every teacher. a special education teacher? a good teacher?

[206] ww: compliments

[207] ww: between A and B?

[208] ww: Savings (cap. n, v , adj,, adv in titles)

[209] wf. at a historic low.
his∑tor∑i∑cal∑ly adv. 1. according to or with reference to history or its course. 2. used to indicate that something has happened often in the past

Compare his∑tor∑ic adj. important in or affecting the course of history

[210] Omit prep. Donπt use prep+adv.

[211] No cap ≠ common n

[212] tns: fut

[213] ww

[214] wf: not only exists

[215] ww, is celebrated in

[216] wf: migration

[217] pl cn

[218] pl cn

[219] pl, sva

[220] ww

[221] sp

[222] spa

[223] ww

[224] ww

[225] pl

[226] vague title ≠ it does not tell the reader the topic

[227] sva

[228] ww

[229] part of my daily routine (sg) OR one of my daily activities (pl) OR an important daily activity (sg cn)

[230] punc: IC + comma + IC + period.

[231] punc: Donπt separate S and V with a comma.

[232] ww: house

[233] Use an action verb: wear

[234] ww

[235] pl cn

[236] All cn

[237] ww. Donπt use this transition unless you are emphasizing another reason. This is not a reason-result (cause-effect) paragraph.

[238] ro

[239] omit

[240] ww: Is there a choice between these actions?

[241] sg cn

[242] wf

[243] punc

[244] no ≥the≤ for generic n

[245] ww

[246] wf

[247] ww, wf. We would die if there werenπt any air (oxygen?)

[248] vt

[249] cs

[250] punc, frag

[251] ncn

[252] logic?

[253] ???

[254] pron ref?

[255] ww

[256] ww

[257] 1 wd

[258] no ≥the≤ for generic n

[259] ?? similar to what?

[260] +the

[261] +the

[262] pl cn

[263] ncn

[264] sva

[265] generic n

[266] ww

[267] wf: pl

[268] punc, frag

[269] sp

[270] cap

[271] ww, sva, vt: affects our health. (effect=n)

[272] punc: omit colon, use a comma before ≥such as≤

[273] or

[274] this phr lacks parallelism; put it in line by making it a n phr, such as insomnia

[275]+and: Use and before the last item.

[276] pl cn

[277] wf: adj

[278] ww: pp

[279] parallelism error: v phr

[280] Do you mean we all have a bad lifestyle that we all need to change?

[281] 1 wd

[282] Parallelism http://leo.stcloudstate.edu/grammar/parallelism.html
Parallel form http://cctc.commnet.edu/grammar/parallelism.htm

Parallel structure http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_parallel.html

[283] cap. The title is too general.

[284] punc: four-year-old (compound adj)

[285] punc: son, Vuk, (commas around an appositive)

[286] omit

[287] tns: pres perf

[288] ww: has gotten up. (risen.) OR has gotten out of bed.

[289] omit

[290] omit

[291] ww: helps me set the table

[292] Give + IO + DO (no prep)

[293] Articles, Determiners, and Quantifiers http://cctc.commnet.edu/grammar/determiners/determiners.htm

[294] incorrect title

[295] ww

[296] sp

[297] ww

[298] common n

[299] common n

[300] Do you mean mathematics?

[301] This sentence is unclear and uses faulty vocabulary. principles, engineering, and faculties are used as synonyms even though they are neither synonymous nor subsets of one another.

[302] tns: pres perf, ww: has branched out/ enlarged its scope/diverged

[303] What is the point of this sentence? Focus on one topic ≠ aerospace engineering ≠ instead of distracting the reader with this list.

[304] This does not make sense: engineering is not a student! student = I

[305] ww: You cannot take a field. You can pursue/go into a field.

[306] dangling modifier.

[307] pron ref

[308] ncn

[309] the objects? what objects?

[310] ncn

[311] ww

[312] What does this past time phrase mean?

[313] Modifier Placement http://webster.commnet.edu/grammar/modifiers.htm

Dangling participials and misplaced modifiers. http://webster.commnet.edu/grammar/quizzes/niu/niu9.htm

[314] omit. There is not only one Chinese school; donπt use the definite article.

[315] the? Which? Whose son does this definite article indicate?

[316] vague word. Use a thesaurus to help you find more precise words.. http://thesaurus.reference.com/search?q=good

[317] pron ref? The only pl n you used before this is programs, but certainly they does not refer to programs.

[318] wf: ger

[319] pl? their children?

[320] in?

[321] pl? According to sentence 2, there are many activities.

[322] wf: adj = pp

[323] See previous comment.

[324] ww

[325] Omit. See previous comment.

[326] Pron ref: children? parents? Other people, not including you?

[327] ww? Do you mean to indicate frequency? or different activities? Someä othersä still others?

[328] pron ref: who?

[329] 1 wd

[330] wf: ger

[331] ww

[332] Omit. See previous comment.

[333] The superlative form requires the

[334] This sentence consists of 3 clauses in a compound relationship, but they are not coordinate ideas. Only connect ICs if the ideas are logically related.

[335] Instead of coordination, use subordination here: dancingä that is.. faster

[336] Omit. See previous comment.

[337] pl cn

[338] sva

[339] Omit there are; the subject should be parents.

[340] tns: pres prog

[341] omit

[342] vt

[343] ww

[344] ww: tutoring is a service, but instructors are people, not services. The word instruction makes the sentence parallel, but instruction is the main activity of a college; it is not a service. Rethink the presentation of ideas; find parallel items.

[345] Is this the most important thing?

[346] wf: a lot of OR lots of

[347] ww: tapes

[348] The pronoun referent is unclear. The previous plural nouns are materials, books, CDs, and tapes, but certainly they does not refer to those words. I believe you mean students.

[349] wf: Use the comparative adj: a better systemä compared to xxx OR the superlative: the best system of any school (college in the world, state, local area?)

[350] wo: can even make

[351] ww: with them privately, singly, alone, individually

[352] What is the pronoun referent? Look at the previous sg cns. If you donπt see it right before the pron, use a n.

[353] ww: plenty of

[354] There is no parking on any other floor, so this description is misleading. => near the classrooms OR surrounding the campus

[355] pron ref

[356] wf: adj: faraway

[357] This is an unnecessary digression. Delete it.

[358] This is unrelated to Mission. Delete it.

[359] no ap

[360] ww: at

[361] pron ref.