Skiing with My Family, v.2
by Marsha Chan
(revised to increase academic vocabulary and annotated with an analysis of sentence structure and verb tenses)
Skiing is one sport that our family has enjoyed since my two children were very young. My daughter's residence at distant UCLA has required us to make prior arrangements to ski together. Last month, Tiffany returned home to ski with us. However, we did not reach our target, for it was snowing too heavily, and driving on the mountain roads was dangerous. This past weekend, we pursued another trip. The meteorologists had predicted snow, but the roads were clear on Friday, so we departed eagerly. When we started skiing on Saturday morning, the temperature was warm, and the sky was clear. After we had skied just a few runs down the slopes, the temperature dropped suddenly, and it began to snow. The weather forecasters had been accurate. Still, we continued skiing through the wet snow until our clothes became soaked and our fingers numb. Despite the poor weather, at the end of the weekend, we concluded that our trip had been worthwhile, and we had achieved our goal of skiing as a family.
(173 words, 11 sentences)
skiing is one sport that our family has enjoyed since my two children were very young my daughter residence at distant ucla has required us to make prior arrangements to ski together last month tiffany returned home to ski with us however we did not reach our target for it was snowing too heavily and driving on the mountain roads was dangerous this past weekend we pursued another trip the meteorologists had predicted snow but the roads were clear on friday so we departed eagerly when we started skiing on saturday morning the temperature was warm and the sky was clear after we had skied just a few runs down the slopes the temperature dropped suddenly and it began to snow the weather forecasters had been accurate still we continued skiing through the wet snow until our clothes became soaked and our fingers numb despite the poor weather at the end of the weekend we concluded that our trip had been worthwhile and we had achieved our goal of skiing as a family
AWL [11:11:11] accurate achieved concluded despite goal predicted prior pursued required residence target
]
Notice in this revision, that many ideas have been rephrased to utilize AWL vocabulary without changing the intent of the sentences. Version 2 employs 11 different academic words, each one time, whereas Version 1 used no words from the AWL. To see a color-coded analysis of the sentence structure and verb usage, sentence by sentence, click the link below
notice in this revision that many ideas have been rephrased to utilize awl vocabulary without changing the intent of the sentences version number employs number different academic words each one time whereas version number used no words from the awl below is a color coded analysis of the sentence structure and verb usage sentence by sentence